whatdo you thik of this story?

Question

I'm lying on the side of a road freezing probably to death if I could die that is I wish I could I dont deserve to live after what I did what ive become A car comes I don't even flinch but then it stops Im very surprised cars have been driving by all night and this is the first to stop Someone picks me up I don't protest I'm to tired then I lose consiousness When I wake up Im in a very bright room and I'm very warm At first I think it's heaven but I'm in to much pain for that A woman enters the room i quickly turn away before she can see my eyes I don't want to scare her She asks me something I don't hear its good that I didnt I wouldnt know how to respond I need to leave its not safe for me to be around anybody I could get to angry then I would never be able to control it.April,she calls me By instinct and shock my head quickly turns toward her and her eys turn wide with shock shes seen my eyes I speak for the first time in 8 months"Sorry"Tell me" she says and to my own amazement I do

I know there are lot of errors but I couldn't fit it all so I had to take out the periods and stuff!!!

Answer 1

I think it is okay, but there are quite a few errors and periods are needed everywhere so the reader will know when to stop. Other than that it was a sad and great story. =)

Answer 2

Your writing skills need vast improvement. You run sentences on. Your syntax at times is terrible. Words are just in the wrong order and that makes the sentences awkward. For instance why wouldn't you say "probably freezing to death" instead of "freezing probably do death." See the difference? Your words are out of order. Then punctuation. Punctuation is your friend. It helps readers pause for that tiny second to assimilate information.

I will offer you some advice. You have chosen a difficult style to write in. First person - present. That is extremaly limiting. That means as a narrator you can only report on things you are present for. If an event takes place in another location, your narrator can't discuss it. He or she doesn't know about it. You also cannot report on other people's thoughts. It can be done, but it is a tremendous challenge. That is why many writers choose third person omniscient. It is a much more open way to write.

You sound young. Try talking to a teacher. Show them some of your work and ask if they can mentor you. Ask them to help you especially with sentence structure and punctuation.

Your next step, now that you have introduced your story, is to start fleshing out your characters and giving them lives.

Good luck. Pax - C

Answer 3

There are no full-stops when needed, there is little punctuation actually, the story reads in a very choppy way, the vocabulary is little, no description, bad spelling, terrible format, vague and indeed weak imagery - but a good first few words - all in all, sorry - not good. But did you ask for my honest opinin or not? Cos that was my honest opinion.
However, well done for being so brave as to post it on here - this means that unlike some people you are prepared to accept criticism. This means that you are on your way to getting your pieces edited and improved. This means you are on your way to bevoming a serious (if not professional) writer. Congratulations. The storyplot may be good but its your writing skills you need to improve. Read the books you like once more, check their format and the vast vocabulary they use. Find a thesaurus and start playing with words. At least you have started on your journey to becoming an Author... Good Luck and God Bless!

Answer 4

it's kinda sad....but its still good. good job...except it was kind of hard for me to read it because some of it didn't have periods and commas and stuff....so add some punctuation

Answer 5

It`z alittle sad but it`z good

Answer 6

"tell me" what the question is, but I like your writing style