i want to leave my husband?

Question

i want to leave my husband of 6 years, 2 kids he is controlling and verbally abusive he cheats aswell. I start working in a few weeks cause i was laid off from my job 6 months ago, i have no money now so i am thinking in about 6 months i should have saved enough to get another place, i want to do this carefully and be smart about it. how should i act towards him in the meanwhile meaning sex, talking to him, when he doesent come home for 2 days, should i just not care anymore?

Answer 1

If this man is as controlling and verbally abusive as you say he is, and you have decided that leaving him is the best thing for you to do, then I would advise you to plan it out carefully, just as you stated in your question. It's good that you have a new job. I would open up a bank account in your own name and request to have online statements, instead of the paper statements that are sent to your home. I would only open up a savings account to start with so that no box of checks gets sent to your home and tips off your husband. This way, when you get your paychecks, you can put as much as you think you safely deposit without arousing suspicion, into your savings account, to accumulate so that you will have enough money to put down on a place of your own in 6 months.

As far as how you should act, I would try your best to get along with him, whatever that takes. None of us know your homelife and what pushes his buttons or triggers him to be verbally abusive toward you. If it means having sex with him or withholding it, do what you feel helps you to be able to hang in there for the 6 months while you are trying to plan your way out. If he doesn't come home for 2 days, I wouldn't sweat it. Just consider that he's being a jerk and he's going to learn the hard way in 6 months that he can only continue for so long before his cheating is going to bite him in the butt.

Meanwhile, you have 2 children who need a responsible parent. Because you plan to leave your husband and because you are trying to do it carefully, as well as because he is controlling and verbally abusive, you are going to need a competent attorney to help you. I divorced my controlling and verbally abusive husband of 20 years (I've since remarried a wonderful guy). Because he IS so controlling, he was vicious during our divorce & tried his best to make sure he had full custody of both kids and tried his best to portray me as an unfit, unstable mother. His efforts failed & I have full custody of my kids. Controlling, abusive men will do that. Your husband will likely try to do that to you as well. An attorney will help you show the court that you deserve full custody because your husband is unfaithful, he is abusive, he is cruel and he is controlling. If he is not harmful in any way to your children, then the court may award joint custody. Either way, you are in for a battle if your husband is the sort of guy who will try to punish you for leaving him by trying to deny you your rights for 50% of joint assets/property, appropriate custody/visitation for your children, and adequate child support.

I would advise you to contact a lawyer referral service in your area (you can google "lawyer referral service" for your city) or go to your county courthouse and speak to someone in the Family Law division. They can advise you and can give you some resources you can contact for free legal aid or legal aid that is on a sliding scale. Since you know you are leaving him and he doesn't, and since you are trying to do this carefully, you should think ahead and consult an attorney ASAP because they will likely advise you to do things a certain way and/or to document certain things. They are best equipped to help you do things in a way which most benefits your children and does the least harm to you. I think you should also contact your domestic violence hotline in your area, even though you are not experiencing violence, because verbal abuse is still abuse and can lead to physical abuse. They can help guide you through the leaving process & can tell you things to look out for. They can also put you in touch with resources to help you get out on your own. Best wishes to you. I'm sorry you are going through this, but am so glad you are doing this for you and your kids after 6 years, instead of waiting 20 years like I did!!

Answer 2

Well the good thing is that you have realized you are in an abusive relationship and want to leave. And you should not be embarrassed that your marriage failed because the man you married ended up not being a man after all, cause there is no excuse to abuse a woman. Your plan seems ok but first I think you should find a place of where you are going. Look for a job there before you arrive so you can have something set. Look for apartments there so you wont end up in a town where rent is outrageous. Do your research and have numbers and address available before you leave. Pack some snack packs for you and your kiddo and have cash ready at hand for the road. Just know where you are going so you can have a destination and have things set up for when you get there. Should you need any help I am more than willing to be there for you. I was once in an abusive relationship so I know how hard it can be. Please let me know if I can do anything for you. God bless you!

Answer 3

I think that you need to be very careful on how you handle this situation. Sometimes when a woman is leaving a controlling and abusive man, pressure escalates into violence. Even cheaters feel a sense of ownership towards the woman they marry. However, I would like to gently stress, at this point you are not leaving and you are living in this home with him with your children. Your actions and behavior should be consistent with a wife. The relationship is still in effect and so is your marriage. I would take this opportunity to look at it as "for the next six months I am going to try to see if we can find what we used to like about each other and be a family again" I would ask for counseling, offer suggestions to him on what you need, ask him to try again, please come home, respect your vows and make every effort to work things out. In six months, when I had some security and confidence, I would assess how well things were going, if any changes had taken place and then make my decision to leave safely and quickly.
I think if you are in the mind set right now I am leaving I am done, you should leave for your safety. However, if you need to stay for reasons people don't always immediately understand on here, then approach it mentally as I am giving it one last try to be a marriage of faithfulness and respect. If we can't move towards that in 6 months, I may need to do something else for my own mental health and safety. I think if you don't approach it as such, you will blurt those words out in justifiable anger and then be in a dangerous position.
Best of luck and above all, be careful.

Answer 4

Right. Focus on the things you can control and dump the rest. Focus on increasing you and your kids quality of life. Be polite. Be respectful. Let him live his life. You can of course lay some boundaries down about what you will tolerate. I would not tolerate another six months of verbal abuse. Your kids don't need the drama and you need to be treated decently.What worked for my husband, was my saying I was willing to hear about or negotiate a problem but was not going to take the yelling, swearing intiimidation tactics, so when he was calm, I would be glad to sit down and work something out. Then I called the cops on him. Then I left or vacated the building or room immediately. Do not defend, deny etc. Just don't stand around and let someone yell and act like a jerk. He is supposed to be your friend. He has no respect for himself, his family or his wife. It is not your fault and you shouldn't have to take it. Call a family law attorney and make sure you know your options, and your rights. I think he could be kicked to the curb now and have to help support you and the kids until you get on your feet. There may be help available in your local area as well.
I know you are in a tough situation. I admire you for taking care of yourself and your kids. Call around and see if there is some help for you. In the meantime, live and go get happy. Find out what sparks you and give it to yourself. Good luck.

Answer 5

First seek advise from your heavenly Father-Jesus Christ. Second you most defiantly need to sit down with your thoughs and set a plan in motion. I.E. Save a percentage of your check so you won't get questioned about where your entire paycheck is going. Try hard to act as if all is well, you don't mind or care that he doesn't come home casue he's with his whore(s), try to reply to any negativity he spits your way with kindness, I know that sounds crazy but it will hopefully cut the conversations short. Second research where it is you want to move, I.E.-kids school, cost of living, 24-hour pharmacey for kids emergencies, closest market, luandry mat, etc. go look a few apartments/houses, make sure you can have utlities turned on in your name if not make sure you pay off old back bills so there's a smooth transition ( if time permits check your credit too, make sure there's nothing on there that will block you from renting if need be), also figure out what to do about furniture, will you be able to take what you have in your present home, or will you have to thug it out and buy a few cheap pieces from a thrift store just to make your kids as comfortable as possible during a confussing time. Make your kids teacher(s) and school aware of your plans and inform them they are to not release your children to your estranged husbands custody under any circumstance ( if that's how you want it-none the less they should know your plans), and also seek full parental custody of yoru kids, men will act a plum fool when desperate to hold on to there door-mat aka wife that they's rather hurt and abuse vs. love and cherish. Also start buying boxes and tape and hide them someplace safe, start going thru you and your kids stuff to determine trash, and must keeps.

Good luck sister, I'll pray for you and your children's safety.

Answer 6

nofx when someone is leaving an abusive partner, they have to be sure they are financially sound. Men who are controlling and verbally abusive will use any means necessary to keep control of the people they view as their posessions. How can you sarcastically call HER a "class act" when she is the one being abused and cheated on? it has nothing to do with "using" him, and everything to do with making sure she is financially stable enough to care for her children. This is esp. important in cases of controlling partners because he may use any financial instability as a means to attempt taking the children away. Not because he loves or cares what happens to them, but because he is using them to control her.


Now to the asker, I was exactly where you are a year ago. Luckily my ex offered to leave the house when I told him I was moving out, so that made things easier. I think your plan sounds like a good one, but I will offer this one caveat. If you ever feel like you or your children are unsafe LEAVE! I had arranged with a couple of trusted friends who knew my situation to come to them with my kids if the need arose. If there isn't anyone like that for you, find your nearest shelter. My ex had been violent with me in the past. I don't know if your husband has been violent, but if he was and you didn't report it, make sure you report it if it happens again. Why? if he tries to take the kids away you have evidence of abuse. Also, do not leave without the children ever. You may have trouble getting them back, again he will use them to control you.
I could go on but won't. good luck, and send me an email if you need to talk.

Answer 7

Let him know how serious this is for you, something it's that last string of hope that will change a person. Discuss the problems that exist, but also find ways to solve them. Work on them for a few months, if there really is no change in your situation, follow through with your plan. At least you tried. And if you don't feel like being intimate with him, don't. That's your personal choice.

Answer 8

don't wait 6 months, you DO have money to get out now. It's called "marital assets" you are allowed 1/2 of whatever there is in the bank accounts, also YOU are entitled to the house if you have children. You can either withdraw money to get yourself a place to live with your kids or you can tell him you're going to file for divorce and ask him to leave.

Answer 9

You need to find someone who can take you in RIGHT NOW! There is no place for verbal or physical abuse. You need to have your mail sent to another address and if you have a cell phone, you will need to change it as soon as you make the move. Open a bank account and start getting money in it.

Answer 10

Sounds like a plan. Make sure you save enough before moving out. It is a tough life out there with you and two kids.

Have you thought about kicking him out and taking the place? Just a thought.

I think you should still do your daily routine without making him suspicious. If you don't care for him anymore, it doesn't matter if he doesn't come home for days...more time for you and the kids!

Answer 11

If he is cheating and you are sure of this, then there is no way in the world you should have sex with him. Who knows what disease he could have. If he is verbally abusive he is capable of being physically abusive as well. If there is anyway you can get out now that is what I would do.