Doomed sexless Marriage?

Question

My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for three. In the 2 years we have been married we have only had sex a handfull of times. A week before we married she accused me of cheating on her(not true) and she almost called the marriage off.
We went ahead anyway with the wedding, she thought getting married would help her get past her newfound issues. We now entered into a sexless marriage. In 2 years I think we have only been intimate 6 times. She wants nothing to do with sex or touching or anything. It makes me a very frustrated, angry, depressed man.
I have sunk into a disgusting world of pornography and masterbating. I feel like scum doing this teenage habit. We have went to counseling both solo and couple, and the Dr, pretty much told her to get a grip and put this issues in the past and move on. She did not like this at all and became even more frigid. I am ready to end this and regain my confidence and manhood back. Any suggestions? Thanks. I am 27 and she is 29

Answer 1

I am not someone who advocates divorce, despite my own divorce after 20 years of marriage. Still, when two people are clearly miserable in a marriage, and counseling has not worked, then divorce is sometimes the best options. Clearly your wife has issues that she blames you for and that she refuses to deal with, even when a counselor pretty much laid it on the line for her that the issue is hers, not yours. If you are in a marriage where your wife is cool toward you and you have only had sex about 6 times in 2 years, then this is unfair to you. It is NOT selfish for you to want more from a marriage than that. You've done your part. You've tried to reassure your wife and you've gone to counseling. Your wife has indicated, by her stubborn refusal to take the counselor's advice, that she does not place a high value on your feelings and needs and is more preoccupied with holding a grudge for something she has mistakenly perceived to be true BEFORE you even married. Clearly, she should not have married you if these issues were a problem.

You are still plenty young. You should not be feeling like scum because you have to satisfy yourself because your wife is refusing sex. I would take this as a lesson learned, that before you marry again, any serious issues that could crop up are dealt with beforehand. Then I would file for divorce and move out or ask her to move out (why should the man always have to leave - it's his home too?). I would tell her that the coldness in the marriage and the lack of intimacy is hurting you and that you need more from a marriage than that. Your wife sounds like she needs some pretty heavy duty counseling of some sort before she will be able to move past these issues. Clearly you are willing and she is not. You deserve to be happy and are still plenty young to pursue a healthy marriage relationship with someone else. Your wife also deserves to be happy and she clearly is not happy, or this would not be an issue. The fact that this is eroding at your confidence and manhood makes me sad. My husband tells me that I make him feel like a man. That statement in itself, makes me feel like a woman. For a woman to reject her husband in such a way that he feels emasculated, is not right. The problem is not you - it's her and you deserve to get your self-confidence back. Life's too short to spend it being miserable.

Answer 2

You are right, the marriage will be doomed eventually when one person feels so strongly the lack of physical affection. There is no such thing as just YOUR problem, you are married and you are unhappy so it is a problem for the both of you. Now as far as your relationship with this woman outside of the bedroom, is it making you both happy? I think you have to think about what is important to you and if you are willing to address any issues on your part (weight, cleanliness, kindness all confuse sex issues) if that is not the issue, then you may need another counselor, and some time with her where you bluntly tell her that you need more physical contact in your relationship and ask her how you can move towards that in a way where both of you are content.
There is nothing wrong with masturbating and it is a good idea when one partner feels more sexual than the other but porn is a little different for you are setting a standard she can never measure up to. Try the rule of three, 3 times a day a non sexual touch, compliment and chore. Feeling Love makes people want to express it.

Answer 3

This is my suggestion. To pull your marriage together you should try to be the best husband you can possibly be.It doesn't sound very exciting but that's what keeps things nice and happy, and can make her feel happier which may take your mind of being depressed. Do nice things for her. Clean the house, buy her flowers, talk to her about starting fresh. Tell her you want to be there for her through whatever she wants. Eventually she might want to get physical. But it's not just her that's the problem. Just think about it... You have to put issues in the past and move on also. What does she want? What is making her feel upset with sex? Is it something that happens every time you do it that makes her uncomfortable? You need to communicate these thing to her as best you can to understand where she's coming from. And don't feel discusting about masturbating cause that's normal, but stop the porno ok? It's not healthy for your situation cause it'll just make you feel more miserable. Just try to have a little Empathy for her, then maybe she'll show some empathy to you and your wants. Good luck.

Answer 4

I am pretty much in the same situation as you. I am glad that you brought this up, as I thought I was the only husband...that it was just me, getting extremely frustrated ,angry and depressed. I never thought that SEX in general could destroy a marriage relationship. Now I see why! This really sucks! Because of this! I have already warn my wife several times, that if I find a better woman, to take good care of me, than I am leaving her. I also don't want to cheat on my wife, but this is just too much for me too handle and too unbearable. Living a sexless marriage just drives me extremely crazy up the wall at times. Its not just the sex issues with my marriage but other things, from my wife that is hurting our relationship as well.

Answer 5

I am sorry to hear this. It is really sad you can't be intimate with your wife. Hearing that she almost called the wedding off leads me to believe that was her only way to try and not marry you. Seems like you have tried everything, the only thing left to do is ask her what she wants. If neither of you are happy you owe it to yourselves to find happiness. Good thing there are no kids involved, it sounds like if she wants a divorce then you can both leave with no strings attached. It sucks that it might come down to divorce, but you both are still young and can find happiness. Talk to her, tell her to follow her heart and tell you what she really wants. Let her know you want the truth and go from there. Hope this helps...

Answer 6

I think you answered your own questions. I was in a similiar situation, just never married. Dated a man for 2 years and the sex was probably less than what you have. Otherwise he was very affectionate. He has a problem with things in his past effected him so deeply that it is his ability to perfrom and he is not willing to talk about it. I loved him uncondionally and figured that when the time came and he wanted to deal with it we would. Instead he broke off the relationship. Everyone has different priorities in a relationship. If you are feeling beyond help and the sex is important to you. I think your choice is a valid one.

Answer 7

I was in almost the same situation. I did go threw the marriage but quickly realized that things dont change because of that. We separated and had the marriage dissolved rather quickly. I have since then met a wonderful woman and am very happy. My advice its time to move on. You and her have issues that cant be moved past then its time to do something about it. Do you want to live like this till you die? I dont think so.

Answer 8

When did you find out she was frigid? If you knew this coming in why did you still marry her...

Married two years.. not alot of property accumulated I presume so it should be an easy split. It will still be ugly but it's nice to go through a horrible divorce now than proceed with a horrible marriage.

Answer 9

I am very sad for you. Perhaps your wife grew up with the mentality that sex is dirty so to begin with the marriage, she tolerated it then stopped. How can she be so unfeeling? She seems to enjoy making you miserable.
I have a male friend who went the same route as you with porno joints and masterbation. We talked on the phone for months. He was divorced and single. He was scared to recommit. It is not so different from your lonely situation. Finally, he took the step he needed and got remarried. He is a different person today. His life is so fulfilling. Quit robbing yourself in a dead relationship. Move on and live!

Answer 10

Try a seperation, not necessarily a divorce. She needs to snap out of it. It's like she's pushing you towards infidelity so that her accusations and actions are justified. Don't let her win. Physically remove yourself from the house and give her a couple of months, if she still doesn't come around then end the relationship.