Am I wrong about friendship with ex?

Question

I have been committed to my newly ex-GF for two years, we've been living together the entire time. My ex-wife (of ten) years and I have maintained somewhat of a friendship mostly phone calls. Initially we had more contact, she would call when she needed help, and I have no problem with that. I also attended one pre-Christmas get-together with some of her immediate family, GF not invited due to her sensitivity on the friendship.
I am fully aware of my GF's insecurity over this matter, and feel like she considers her feelings more important than mine. At first, I'd take calls in front of her, she wasn't feeling it so the ex stopped calling when I was home, I don't spend time with family I've known and loved for ten plus years.
Also how bad would it be to maybe once every two months to have lunch in public with my ex?

I should say that I was completely up-front with wanting to maintain a friendship. Ex and I broke up because she was growing in a different direction , no animosity. Would you really throw away ten years of history with someone? To me that's like new GF's who want you to get rid of your old pics etc. because they feel insecure.

It's interesting most seem polarized, I'm hearing "choose", but I'm not trying to have two GFs. Not discounting anyone's answers, it's good to see the spectrum. I do wonder though about responders ages, I get the feeling that ten years ago some were preteens, and probably can't conceptualise TEN years. The romantic relationship with ex is in the past, not interested in rekindling that part.

Answer 1

Anything that involves women is a tough situation. you need to sit down with each of them and explain to them the status of your relationships.

Answer 2

Your not wrong for having a friendship with your ex. It's good that you still have good terms. You have to remember that you are divorced for a reason. How would you like it if you GF brought baggage along with her to your new relationship. You got a divorce and that is when all the visitation should have stopped, unless you have children. You are starting a new life and it can't start if your caring your ex-wife with you. Tell your ex that it is ok to talk every once in a while but going to christmas parties and see the family makes your new girlfriend feel uncomfortable then you should only be worried about her feelings. Do the right thing and give your new girlfriend all of your attention because she didn't come into the relationship looking to be second in your life.

Answer 3

No problem at all. Period. I am very good friends with my ex and her husband. I count them as two of my closest friends. If the g/f can't handle it, then she may need to move on. I'm not sure if you have kids with the ex or not, but if you do have kids then your contacts will never end anyway.

My second wife fully accepted that I had contact with my ex. When my wife died from cancer last year, both my ex and her husband attended the funeral and have been supportive all along (during illness and death).

Lunch in public with the ex? Of course it is all right. I have had dinner with my ex and her husband twice in the past three months or so. I also stop by their house after work and hang with her husband for a while before going home (ex is still at work).

I have to tell you that it is a lot healthier to have a good relationship than a mean spirited relationship.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Sounds like the newly EX GF has some insecurity issues.

My ex and I get along better now then when we were married. When I get into a serious relationship, it becomes clear that I will not choose between my GF and my friends (friends INCLUDES my ex-wife).

I have to admit though, the attending of the Christmas get together with the ex inlaws, without the GF, was probably a bit of a strain.

Good friends don't come along every day, keep them, regardless of your history with them.

Answer 5

hmmm why didnt you 2 just stay married? Your girlfriend is that for a reason..If you have gotten divoced and have no children together you should have ended it at the divorce...Just because you like her family dosnt mean you should attend a pre-christmas party (leaving the current GF home) with the ex?? I wouldnt put up with it for a minute no way....So if you plan on keeping the current GF you need to let the ex wife go or at least stop doing the pre parties an calling...

Answer 6

Sounds like you are hung up on your ex wife. And your exGF knew that.And because you continued in a relationship with the ex wife, she was uncomfortable. Im sorry, but that would make me uncomfortable too. So, any relationship with the exwife would probably be just as devastating to any future relationship with any GF. By having lunch with the ex wife in public, it looks like a date. You have a connection- you were married. Maybe you should consider getting back together with the exwife.... As for the newly ex GF- she is better off with someone who can respect her feelings and devote himself completely to her.

Answer 7

It sounds like you have a very lovely relationship with your ex. I think that's the way it should be! I wish more people could be as kind and mature about their situation, as you seem with yours. It's very admirable. :)

I do feel bad for your girlfriend though.. Not because of your friendship with your ex, but because of whatever issues she has herself, that are causing her to feel so insecure. It's not like you and your ex are trying to get back together or something. She has no reason to be worried.. If anything, she should be proud that she is with someone who is so kind and loving. I think that speaks volumes of your character, and it's something she should be proud of, not upset about.

Maybe if your girlfriend spent some time with you and your ex together, so she could see for herself that your friendship is perfectly harmless.. that would ease her mind some.

I hope everything works out for you! :)

Answer 8

I had to deal with this when my husband and I first started dating. He would not let go of his ex and it drove me nuts.
I told him that it was either her or me. If you can't stay away from your ex, at least tell your girlfriend the truth and give her a chance to tell you to "hit the road".

You can't have your cake & eat it too. Not many females will put up with their man still having a friendship with his ex-wife. I wouldn't stand for it, if I was your GF.

I have been happily for 21 years and I STILL wouldn't tolerate my husband having any contact, whatsoever, with any of his ex-girlfriends (or wife, if he had been married before).

Being in a committed relationship has rules. If you love your new GF enough, you will respect her insecurity.

Having lunch with your ex is only something you can do if you don't have a GF. sorry...... you only get one woman at a time.

Answer 9

Bad. Either commit to the new girlfriend or be honest enough to say you can't. If your girlfriend was hanging out with her ex, his family, and talking to him on the phone, would you love it? Come on. If you are in a committed relationship then they are your priority and you don't do things that look bad whether they actually are bad or not. If your girlfriend does not feel she is important to you, then she will find someone who treats her like she is.

Answer 10

Not bad at all. You don't want to just entirely leave behind a family meaning so much to you.

Answer 11

I think that if you do this it is going to ruin what you have with your girlfriend. i think you need to let her know what you are feeling. I went through the same thing with my husband and my ex and i felt it to be best to leave the ex alone so that my husband would feel secure with what we have.