How do I get my marriage to be more "american"?

Question

things im expected to do for my husband (from my culture and upbringing)
-walk 3 steps behind him
-not speak until spoken to
-not address him by his first name
-do all the cooking and cleaning (we both work fulltime)
-serve him dinner
-give him his evening bath. not as fun as it sounds with me outside the tub.

ive never questioned this its completely normal to me but i just wish sometimes the roles were switched around a bit and he could cater to me for a while. i dont know..we live in america so i dont understand why everything has to be so "olden days". sometimes i just want to be playful and have a friend and not have my husband boss me around all the time!!!

Answer 1

if hes american shame on him you just stop right there. first of all the rules don't apply here. you dont' walk 4 steps behind you walk beside him. you talk to him any time you want to and you call hiim honey or whatever you want. you can both help do the cleaning because you both work you can make it he can clean up or help.
bath he can do it himself. there you are american and start now and tell himthat. you are done with it.

Answer 2

I'm sure you're getting tons of smart & probably very emotional American advice here so whichever you decide, make sure you're willing to realize the fact that he is a proud man, whatever culture, and he will maintain his position. Although I do not claim to fully understand your culture, I respect it. If I could, I would direct my response to your husband: "Why do you want to live amongst other cultures that's abundant with expansive differences, changes & growth without accepting the fact that some of these differences may be a tempting influence to your household? Can you really live here comfortably without your family experiencing these changes? Will you permit your family or yourself to be a little more receptive?" Does that fact that your wife desires to conform to be more flexible with her/your lifestyle, comprimise your manhood or your religion?

Answer 3

holy crap, this does sound like the olden days, if you dont mind my asking what the freak culture is this, my grandma was born in 1918 and married when she was 18 and my grandpa didnt treat her like that, and that was before the women liberated, im so sorry for you, i dont think as long as your husband makes you feel like his maid then i dont think it will change, this is in any other relationship in america and probably other countrys too considered spousal abuse, if you want to change it and it bothers you this much which culture aside it should bother you, call your local safe haven even just for counciling, and go from there, i wish you the best of luck, from the woman that sometimes doesnt cook for husband, speaks too much, has a cluttered house most days, walks with or ahead of husband, husband likes to wash himself and sometimes me too. id kick his *** if he even asked me to do these things, without joking, best of luck to you

Answer 4

i can sympathize with you a bit. i am american my husband is kenyan. i have had to go through alot of cultural differences with him in our 3 yr marriage. i can only tell you that if you continue to do it nothing will change. you said you are used to it (which i certainly wasnt) which was also my way out. i would have to tell you that the only way of changing it even a little is come to some type of compromise. explain you really dont mind doing some of the things but that the rest our outdated and direspectful to you. if he loves you and values you he will see that change is good.

Answer 5

Tough one. I wouldn't like it either. I would lose my mind.

I can't think of one helpful thing to say other than this is actually America and you get to decide how you want to be treated, how you will treat others, and how to live your life, so it is up to you really to decide.

Have you guys discussed this at all? I imagine since he is the one who would have to step up and who would lose the benefits, he may not be real keen on changing things.

I think this will be your decision. It may not be a popular one with him, but regardless, we all have a right to happiness and autonomy.

Answer 6

I don't blame you. It shouldn't be that way. He should help around the house if you work full time too. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Be prepared, he might not agree. He has it made right now, why would he want things to change?

Answer 7

That would drive me crazy!!!! Just tell him in America, those rules don't apply. I think that in America it actually looked down on if men do that. Just stop doing it for him. Your marriage should be as equal as possible.

Answer 8

That doesn't sound like a marriage to me it sounds like slavery... Just because you are married doesn't mean you have to cater to his every whim... I think you need to stand up for yourself.... I don't understand what the walking 3steps behind him is for... You are equal to him and he needs to treat you that way..... I hope you start to stand up for yourself and start to have a life outside of your marriage.. It doesn't sound like a life that will be happy....

Answer 9

You need to communicate these feelings to your husband. If he doesn't wish for things to change, then you must decide whether you wish to stay under his conditions, or leave. It is up to you!

Answer 10

wow, i couldn't do it! but that's because i m not used to that way of being. the american way for some is fifty fifty rule. you do for me i do for you. but that doesn't work all the time. maybe discuss to your husband that things need to change. and let him know whats' on ya mind.