i smile on the outside;
i make them think that i'm okay.
it seems i'd be a great actor,
i put on a great show every day.
they always are oblivious.
they think that i am fine...
they cannot see the truth,
All of the pain that lays inside.
i make them think im happy,
i give them what they want...
the "nothing much..."; the, "fine and you?"
i know they dont care fo the truth
~
in bed at night, i struggle...
i fight the demon's taunting me.
the truth they say is agonizing,
knowing what i'll never be...
i never will be perfect.
i was born with all these flaws;
never will somebody love me,
i will remain just a lost cause.
breaking every second,
i realize i can't revive...
dead, batered, and broken.
i still smile on the outside...
~
2007-08-25 03:54:52 · 13 answers · asked by ? 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
plz star if u like it!!
2007-08-25 03:59:07 · update #1
foodboy im not emo so stop being sterotypical....u dont know me therefore u have no right to judge me.....this poem is old ne way so back off man!
2007-08-25 04:08:01 · update #2
Bah, you don't need help. You seem perfectly fine expressing yourself. This type of writing is fairly common among younger poets, particularly in the teen years. A few lines are really fluid ( like "dead, batterd, and broken") some could use a little polish ( like "i know they dont care fo the truth"). I particularly like the fact that you chose not to capitalize the "i" in your poem. I'd try to work more visually by asking yourself, "What is the reader going to picture when reading this?" All-in-all I think it was put together well, keep up the good work!
2007-08-25 04:13:45 · answer #1 · answered by Mr. Know-it-all 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
overall, I like it, though your double-spacing drives me a little crazy and stretches it out unnecessarily. You chose to do slant rhyme, but you lose it in a few places, such as fine/inside, want/truth, revive/outside. fine/inside almost works, the same goes for revive/outside, but they're still a bit of a stretch...the vowels aren't strong enough to pull them off. want/truth is just wrong...but you have a good voice, so you should be able to correct that stanza so it works. Another thing I would suggest is that you consider contractions like "I'm" instead of "I am". Your poem is very informal (by its nature) and it doesn't sound natural when you don't use the contractions. It will, however, mean that you'll need to go back and rework lines so the beats are on track after the changes. Also, please use capitalization...yes, it matters and the self-depricating "i" is the ultimate cliche.
You have a good draft of a poem...keep working on it, it will only getting better
keep writing
2007-08-26 13:29:15 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All in all, not bad, was enjoyable to read and it flowed well. My onlt question... Why double, triple and quadruple space the lines. I never did understand the significance of doing that. It made it a little harder to read due to the fact that I had to keep scrolling down, and I can't tell that it added anything to the poem. Do more.
2007-08-25 05:38:42 · answer #3 · answered by Dondi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really like it. You made a very common topic worth reading about. Keep up the good work, and if you wouldn't mind, take a look at mine and let me know what you think. Its still open in the questions section of my profile
2007-08-25 05:53:46 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
OOOH! your poem is a bit scary. But I enjoyed it. You have written exactly what you want.I think it has some sort of a deep meaning. But I can't get it. Keep doing!
2007-08-25 05:56:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
UHHHH!!! i wish i could write like you!!!1 even your old stuff is freakin AMAZING!!!!! man y do people have to be stereotypical!!!! i hate people like that... especially with all the emo stuff!!! like WTF!!! u got nothin better to do then make fun of an call people emo based on tehir actions and what they say!!!...srry had to get that out!!!1
luv your poems!!!!! STARS for you!!!!!
2007-08-25 08:38:21 · answer #6 · answered by myipodmylife 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i love it you have a dark soul keep on writing it is good to voice your inner struggles and come to terms with them
2007-08-25 04:07:04 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i love it hardcore, b3cuz i have been there myself.
from one hardcore, to an alternative rock badd @ss,
it kicks! lol.
thanks, now i dont feel so alone :]
2007-08-25 11:05:00 · answer #8 · answered by b3cuz of iT 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Um no. Emo's write the most horrific poetry.
2007-08-25 04:05:42 · answer #9 · answered by foodboy1993 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
I've felt most of those feelings before.....
2007-08-25 06:14:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋