Parents of preteen boys--please help me!?

Question

My 11 year old twins have been playing in a hyper-competitive football league and want to quit. They are screamed at, cussed at and treated like they are worthless by the coaches and it seems to be hurting their confidence. They have played for 5 years and we have always made them see things through that they start. The problem is, their treatment has been putting stress on me as well and in turn the whole family (boys, me & husband). My question is, how much do we take and how miserable do we all have to be in order to teach them a lesson that you don't just quit because it gets tough? I am afraid that while teaching the lesson to see things through, I am inadvertently allowing their self-respect to plummet because of these ridiculous coaches. The league is not for the children anymore, it is for the coaches who are competing amongst eachother at the expense of the little guys.

What would you do? I am miserable and so are my boys. I just sent them to a game crying.

At the same time, I don't want them spending the next few months just playing video games after school.

Also, the boys decided to play at the beginning of the year. It was their decision.

Thank you so much everyone. There is no other league and it will be these coaches who will have control over any major sport through to high school. So if they quit, believe it or not, they hurt their opportunities to play any sport in middle school/high school. Yes, it is that ridiculous. Also, they think if you complain, then you are babying your son and they are looked down upon.

Answer 1

Do you know any of the other parents? The behaviour of the coaches is unacceptable, and you need to band together with other parents and tell them so, in no uncertain terms.
I'm sure your boys are not the only ones suffering. Ask around, a group of disgruntled parents can be quite formidable.

Answer 2

Have you talked to the other parents on the team? I would talk to a few and see if you are getting the same feelings as they are. If others are just as unhappy as you and your boys then you need to schedule a meeting with the coaches and maturely express your concerns without getting all mean and defensive. If you don't get the results you want then go directly to the top of the league.
If other parents are not feeling the same as you then maybe you are being too sensitive. Some fathers may not see it the same as some mothers.
My son has been in travel hockey since he was 6.( he's 15) we have had some great and some awful coaches. If enough parents voice their concern the league will listen. If my son ever stated that he was unhappy and that the coaches were inappropriate I would observe quietly on my own and if I saw something that I was uncomfortable with then I would NEVER make him go back until the board was notified. There is too much at stake to ignore when you are dealing with kids.
If all else fails it may be time to find a new activity for your boys.
We had a coach who was an older man ( late 50's) who had been coaching for over 30 years. He was good at the sport but had a tough personality. He used threats, swear words and anger to try to control the team. I did not like him but since he was an expirenced coach that had been around for years I bit my tongue. Last year they placed him on a team with 7 & 8 year olds when he usually coached teens & HS. The team parents went to the board and had him removed as coach because of his treatment of the little kids. This summer he was arrested for an "inappropriate" relationship with a 17 year old female student of his ( he was a HS drivers ed teacher) and is now facing chanrges.

Your children's safety and well being are the most important thing here. I understand that you are trying to teach them to stick it out but what are you teaching them if you feel that they are being treated unfairly and they are forced to comply? I think as a mom it is more important to teach them that no matter what happens - you believe in them and you will protect them from harm.

Answer 3

At what point will you start teaching them to have a sense of self worth?

Would you put up with being treated like a shitty nothing while trying to enjoy your favorite past time? School is work for kids, sports are recreation, and it should stay that way.

I should hope that you would never put up with people treating you or your children like they are less than and worthless.

You need to first go to the parents of the rest of the team, ask them if they have noticed this behavior from the coaches towards their children or the team in general, and see who is willing to do something about it.

Remove your children from the team, and then do something about it. Teach them how to be leaders and not followers. You dont just quit because its bad and then go away from it. You stop, and try to change things. Its people who do nothing who allow these coaches to go on behaving in this way.

Go to the school board, go to the parents, go to the coaches themselves. If all else fails, you'd be suprised how much good a call to the local news channel can do for your cause.

Have some common sense and wisdom. You dont allow children to be mistreated, thats not how they learn. Following through means doing all you can. In this case, it means exposing these coaches for who they are, and trying to make it so children can enjoy the game again.

Answer 4

First off - who are the coaches - school associated or just jumped up numbnuts out for a weekend thrill.

Whatever the source of the coaching - at that age it is verbal abuse and intimidation and needs to be reported to the league body in charge of that side of the game.

At that age they should not be subjected to this and if it is actual threats or intimidation using foul or abusive langauge - get the police involved.

Also, get the views of other parents and see if it is acceptable to them and if not - confront the coaches all together - you will probably find that many of the parents have the same fears and concerns but feel like they are alone.

Strength in numbers against these coach bullies is all you can use

Answer 5

Well, I'm not a parent, but can I offer some advice? My sister used to play soccer. She'd always get really excited about soccer season and would hate when it ended. When she was about nine, she had a coach like the one you described. My parents have always made us stick through things until the end and have never let us quit when things got rough, but in this case they made an exception. No kid should be cussed and screamed at, especially at that young. The sport should be about fun at their age, not winning. My sister cried after games a lot, too, and they could tell that it was going to mess her self-esteem up if she continued. She ended up playing again the next season with a request that she didn't have that coach, and it worked out fine.

Answer 6

I'm not a parent, but I can give advice to you about this. Of course I was 11 at a time. I remember what it was like. If someoen was constantly cussing and screaming at me I would've been the same way. 11 year olds really need self esteem. Especially with everone at school changing. People start dating and such. When you're that age and people are verbally abusing you like that everything seems worthless to you. Your grades drop, you stop trying because you feel worthless. Eventually you will go into a deep depression. Trust me, I'd know. I hope this helps. I'm kinda out of it today, so this might not make sense, but this is just what Ifelt like writing.

Answer 7

I know exactly where you are coming from. I raised three football players. The problem is that non of these volunteer coaches have any training or guidance when dealing with our children.

If I were you, and had to make a choice, I would probably let them quit. It is like making the least bad of two choices. I understand the concept of not being a quieter, but I would tell my child that I don't like the way that these adults are treating you and I would prefer to have you play for a coach who is a good role model.

WOULDN'T IT BE WORSE FOR YOU CHILD TO GROW UP THINKING IT IS OKAY FOR AN ADULT TO ACT SO POORLY?

Answer 8

The coaches have no right to cuss at them. I can see how the boys are getting less confident. Maybe, you could research some other leagues in the area, so if you decided to take them out of the one they are in, they wouldn't be inside all afternoon.

Answer 9

Ask the coaches what the problem is dont let anyone abuse your children it makes them feel worthless is there another club they could join??????
Or maybe take up competative swimming they need to do something to give them action
dont let them go out crying get them out of there

Answer 10

They should not at 11 years old being treated by the coach this way, report them, or speak to them surely you can not agree wtiht the way they are spoken to by these bullies, if nothing changes you should not force your boys to go there is plenty of other sports they can try