Can YOU read this without tears of LAUGHTER?

Question

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to
town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:


(be back with more details)

*****Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili****
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili****
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.


(brb again)

*****Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili****
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
all of the beer.
*****Chili #4 Bubba's Black Magic****
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ***** is
starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. I

Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover****
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
Ican no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my
lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

*****Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety****
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

*****Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili****
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me.
I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili****
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really
hot chili.

Answer 1

Oh MY GOD! I laughed 'til I cried. Really. F***ing funny!

: )

Answer 2

He died four years ago. He was a hard working guy (a builder by trade) with many talents that went unrecognized. Including the ability to connect with animals. Writing songs, playing almost any instrument Without lessons. The ability to read music as well as having a real nutty sense of humour. Do you think I made him proud? I now intend to have it engraved on a plaque attached to a rock to put on his grave. (He had a crow with a broken wing that he saved when he was just a teenager it was one of many creatures which he helped. The crow would hop down the field to him as soon as Dad called it's name). Dad was a 6' 4" tall and was always laughing and joking. He was a dreadful business man mind later on in his life he set up a machine hire service and would often not collect money owed to him as he felt the person may not be able to afford it. A poem about your Dad, by you.

Answer 3

Omg, this is funny. It's too long to be the "killing joke" of Monty Python, but the effect is almost the same. I needed paramedics myself.

Answer 4

1

Answer 5

Umm I dont think its that funny? Its kinda whack actually. Maybe you hafta be from Texas to laugh?

Answer 6

That is the funniest joke I have read in years! About halfway down the page, I had to start wiping my eyes so I could read the rest of it. Thanks for a great start to my day.

Answer 7

That's funny, I'll be laughing about it all day.

Answer 8

That was real funny. It made me laugh.

Answer 9

It's really funny!

Answer 10

Oh that was funny. I'm saving that one.