Eyes opened and scowl upon his face
Greets with blinded eyes and fallen grace
Not a kind word is shared or spoken
His life is hollow, black, and broken
To strangers that he happens to meet
Smiles appear and courtesies are sweet
There is no hint of the man within
He who growls every word to his kin
Surviving onslaught of aimed anger
Is penance for past misbehavior
Help me one who lives under the bed
To endure a life that I now dread
2007-08-24 21:38:20 · 6 answers · asked by Marguerite 7 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Marguerite,
Thanks for posting this. I like it. It works very well and your choice of language supports the idea you wish to transmit. (I wish others who post here would learn this 'golden rule' from you too!)
As for the structure, I have to say it loses its rhythm a little in the middle part. Instead of saying 'are sweet', drop the 'are' and it will 'sing' better. Also, try this - instead of, 'He who growls every word to his kin' (it's a bit clumsy, no?), write 'Growling words to his kin'. Also, 'Help me one who lives under the bed', try 'Help me YOU who lives under the bed'. It seems (to me anyhow) that you would then be writing to a figure you know exists.
Overall though M, I like it. Work on it a wee bit more and I am sure you will see it take the form you wish it to take.
Thanks again for posting. Your friend, Jim
2007-08-24 23:54:31 · answer #1 · answered by Superdog 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Last stanza is very awkward...meter makes it difficult to read...I want to see "surviving an onslaught" or "of unaimed anger", because it falters there...and "Is penance..." couldn't you say, "Is his penance" or "Is my penance"? Then "Help me one who lives..." you need commas, and it might be clearer if you said, "Help me, he-who-lives-under-my-bed" Finally, the last line could flow better...maybe, "Endure a life that is filled with such dread"? I'm not sure...it's just that the current form seems awkward.
Otherwise it was a very good poem...nicely done.
keep writing
2007-08-26 20:08:45 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When I first start to read the poem seems a little off center but as I read on I understood. Very good. This is the best. The last two lines I don't understand, I know it has meaning to you but as I read I don't.
2007-08-25 07:34:33 · answer #3 · answered by Coop 366 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello Marguerite,
Very nice flow. Very soft texture to your word choices. I agree with Jim on that one word change in S2 L2 dropping "are" sounds smoother to me also.
I enjoy how your poetry sounds when I read it out loud. There is a very pleasing cadence to it.
As always, nice work. Thank you for sharing it.
2007-08-28 10:16:21 · answer #4 · answered by Todd 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, i'm no critic but i find the poem to be very charming and clear enough to be understood when i read it the first time, which is rare for me. I like it. I was moved by the last two lines. I write poems too sometimes , but only very bad poems .haha...
:)) Thanks for adding me to your list of contacts, am truly flattered.
2007-08-25 12:57:17 · answer #5 · answered by I Need Oxygen 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this reminds me of a poem by Edgar Allan Poe called the raven
2007-08-26 20:05:17 · answer #6 · answered by smart person 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋