Confused... separation..?

Question

I am confused... my relationship is pretty good as of now.... today was great... but sometimes... it gets bad... pretty bad where we say we want to end this... I really am scared of it getting bad again and then it might be too late. Should I leave sooner or later? and is it fare for the kids... ?? am I being selfish... oh yeah... there is a lot of verbal mental abuse going on...

Answer 1

You have many questions, as anyone would in your situation. I'll try to answer them to the best of my ability.

" . . . pretty bad where we say we want to end this . . . I'm really scared of it getting bad again and then it might be too late." Ok, let me get my arm-chair-psychology out of the way :) I always say that a couple should NEVER mention words like, "divorce", "separation", or "break" for many reasons. One reason is that once those words are spoken, we can never take them back and they create more damage than imaginable. Look at your sentence. Things are going well now, you say, yet you are already fearing when it will end. You and your husband have put those words out there which has made it an option. I have been with my boyfriend (now fiance) for 7 years now. We have had our rough times like all relationships, but we have never split up. We also have never uttered the words because then one or both of us may realize that we CAN split up, that we CAN always quit if we get tired of trying . . . but in our relationship, it is not an option. The only option we give ourselves is to work through the rough times. So, first and foremost, take those thoughts and words out of yours and your husband's vocabulary.

"Is it fair for the kids?" Short and simple answer is no, it's not fair for the kids. Not even considering the verbal and mental abuse that is going on, which I'll come back to in a moment, it is not fair for the kids. I don't mean to be harsh, though with only words it may seem that way, but you and your husband need to realize that you are quite possibly damaging your children. Believe it or not, your children should not be your number one priorty. . . you know who should be your first priority? YOU! I'll tell you why. If you work on yourself, do things to make yourself smile (if you don't have time, MAKE time), then your husband will find it eaiser to love you. The same goes for him, but the fact remains that we cannot change other people. . . he has to do his part and you can't worry about what he is/isn't doing. So, yourself is number one. Number two is the relationship with your husband. Notice I said "relationship" not "husband". If you are your first priority, you will be a happy person. If you are a happy person, it will be 100 times easier to create a happy relationship. Number three is finally your children. Your children fall at the bottom for multiple reasons. One, if you are happy, and your relationship is happy, your kids will be happy . . . it just falls into place. Second, if you and your relationship aren't happy, then you have created an unhealthy environment for your children. When it goes to that level, it doesn't matter if your kids are your first priority or now because they're already being hurt. Understand my point?

Now with the verbal/mental abuse. I am sorry to hear that this is happening. I am very fortunate to have a fiance who is as willing to keep our relationship healthy as I am. Sometimes I make the mistake of assuming that all men are like that, but I know they're not. My best advice to you regarding this is two things. One, reminding you that we cannot change other people, we can only change how we react to other people . . . so make sure you're doing your part. Two, you are the only one here who knows in your heart if the abuse is at the point of no return, or if it's salvagable. I truly believe you already know the answer on wether you two will make it happily or not. I rarely suggest separating or even divorcing, but there is no way I can ever know the degree of the abuse, or the man you are married to. Is he the kind of person who will be willing to work on the relationship no matter what he has to do? Will he go to counseling if you think it will work? Will he read a book for advice? Will you do these things? If he is willing to try these things, then I say go for it! One thing you have to stop is assuming the relationship will go back to "bad" again. That may actually be part of the problem. . . if we create problems before they happen, we could actually be creating the problems ourselves.

If I were you, I would buy the book "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil McGraw. It is a great book, but you have to be open minded and truly honest about yourself, your husband, and your relationship. Encourage your husband to read it and participate in the activities as well. However, even if he refuses, just remember that you can still try to do your part.

Best of luck, and I'm sorry if this was ridiculously long. :)

*Wow, I just read Aroundtheworld's answer. Read her last sentence again! It is better to be happy than right!*

Answer 2

The thing about relationships is once you say ugly things "out loud" you cannot take them back and you cannot forget them no matter how much you try. Both of you have crossed some serious lines in this relationship and it will be hard to heal without counseling. One day good, one day bad is not going to cut it. Your kids are going to think that this is the way it should be. Its only a matter of time before it gets bad again. Leave now with dignity before its too late.

Answer 3

I take it that you are married. Since there is a lot of verbal an mental abuse going on....I would suggest counseling....If your partner refuses then I would say that divorce would be an option...fair to the kids? No it isn't fair to the kids for you to stay in an abusive relationship. They are being harmed more than you can even imagine....precisely why you need to end the relationship if there is refusal to seek counseling.

Answer 4

The verbal and mental abuse is every bit as bad as the physical abuse... and it is usually the precursor to the physical abuse. The situation probably will not improve with time. if there is alcohol or drugs involved, it will escalate faster.

There is a typical set of stages in the abusive relationship. It typically starts with "Prince Charming" sweeping the woman off her feet... they love to pick on women who have no prior history of abuse and won't see it coming. Whirlwind courtship and wedding. Then he starts with little snipes and put-downs as he slowly separates her from all her support systems: credit rating, car, job, family, friends, church, money. They often like to get the girl pregnant quickly to keep her grounded. As the support systems go, the verbal abuse escalates, then the verbal abuse turns to physical abuse, which increases in intensity and injury with each episode, with a "make-up" honeymoon in between. Most women will not leave an abusive relationship until they have to bolt in fear of losing their lives.

Answer 5

You should probably try to work it out for the kids. And no, I don't think it's fair for them. They do not need to go through all that. Talk it over and give it some time, but make sure you do give it time. If by the time is up, your situation does not improve, you should maybe leave. Your kids safety come first, and yours too of course. You never know, first comes the verbal abuse, and maybe eventually the pushing and finally the hitting and beating and all that. Take care and good luck !!!!!

Answer 6

You answered your own question by indicating abuse of any kind. It is one thing for you to allow yourself to be a victim, but it isn't fair to the kids. They are not able to chose for themselves and witnessing a marriage where a woman is abused in any manner simply helps to progress the cycle of abuse. Male children learn that is acceptable and normal for men to abuse women, and female children grow up thinking it's all okay, that women are supposed to take this abuse. Do you want your children to turn out like that...trust me...I tried to fix a broken marriage, and the abuser didn't change, no matter how many times he promised he would. In the end, I didn't want my little girl to believe that was what a marriage was supposed to be like. The best thing I ever did for her and myself was get out!!! Not saying it was easy...but with time comes healing, and also strength.

Answer 7

The only thing fair for your kids is for them not having to deal with the stress of all the verbal abuse! I was married to a guy like that....I got out...best thing I ever did!!! Didn't want my kids growing up thinking it's ok for a man to disrespect women like that!

Answer 8

I grew up in a situation like that,believe me the kids know whats going on forget the counseling that's bull get out know,save the kids a lot of stress.

Answer 9

you have to decide if you want to live your life that way forever.. the kids is the best reason not to stay.. they dont need to hear all this.. it will hurt them in the end and they will be brought up to think that its ok for a man to treat a women that way..and its not.. verbal abuse if worse then anything it stays with you for years. good luck

Answer 10

i really don't think it has to do with the kids. kids can make you work harder on the marriage. but ultimately you can't stay in an unhappy marriage just for the kid. in your case, i think you should communicate batter. stop the verbal argue or game, it's more important to be happy than right.