Serious question ADULTS only?

Question

My fiance and I have lived together for 12 years and have a wedding date set for next July. Just recently I caught him smoking crack on the back porch of our apartment. We both come from middle class families in New York and until that point I had never known anyone or been around anyone who has smoked it before. We have a 4 year old son and both of my fiances parents died before my fiance turned 2. His granmother raised him and she passed away 4 years ago. I know most of you are probably going to say leave him. but you have to understand that besides this he is the man of my dreams and I have never heard him raise his voice at anyone in the 12 years we have been together. He does not abuse my son or I in any way and I am just at a loss of how to help him. I caught him in a slip with it last week. I do not want to throw him out when he really has noone we are his family. Please give me some advice on what to do? my family is aware of the situation and everyone is devastated by this.

just so everyone realizes he is the father of my son and he has been doing it for a year and started doing it at a job he does not work at anymore he is at a new job. And for those who think that I am not a good mother or intelligent I know you are not going through or have gone through something similar although I probably would think the same thing had it not been me in this situation. Circumstances always change when it affects you directly. My sons safety always come first and him and i have a way out I dont want to turn my back on my best friend and leave him for dead on the street.

Answer 1

You can hear how much you love him. He's a lucky man to have found you.

You've waited 12 years, you can wait for as long as it takes for him to get clean. He's so hard fixing someone else's problems. You both need counseling to ensure you're not enabling him in any way. If you're right, and you're catching this early - what a blessing!

He has to stop. You can't waiver on that. If need be, take your son and live with your parents. He'll know you're not kidding. It may help to shock him into realizing he has a problem. Don't hesitate to take care of your son and yourself. Although he doesn't have anyone, your son is relying on your to keep him safe. Please don't forget that.

If he doesn't get help, suddenly money is going to be missing, strange people will be hanging around. You're not going to fell it is safe to leave your son in his care. Scary sounding stuff isn't it? It's reality. I'm sorry.

God bless.

Answer 2

If you are willing to stick it through a serious addiction it is a dign of good things and bad things. The good being is that your marriag and devotion is going to be very strong. The bad being you might choose not to see his faults when they get worse (and they probably will).

You can't have a father that smokes crack. Period. You cannot allow it to go on with YOUR child in the house. I have a child too, I know that I would do anything to protect her... you have to sit down and tell him to stop for your future as a family.

I think that you should stay by his side if he choses rehab. It will still be pretty hard, especially because he will have a few relapses and it will hurt a lot (just remember it is hard to go cold-turkey!!). If he does not want to change you will have to leave him for your child's sake. Once he hits bottom and realizes what is really important, you will be there when he trys to change.

Good Luck and I do hope he recovers.

Remember, even if he isn't violent there are far worse things that getting beaten by your husband. Your child WILL be taken away when he is caught, and YOU will be thrown in jail for child endangerment.

I would never wish those consequences on anyone, but I hope you and your husband realize how serious the situation is and will be if he continues with the drugs.

Answer 3

You said that you caught him smoking crack. If this is the only time that you have caught him, or is he doing it somewhere else? I really suggest that you sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. See if you can find out why he is using that stuff after all the years you both have been together. Your son will be totally affected by his Dad. You need to protect him, and he must be your priority. You must insist that he goes for help to stop this before he gets addicted to the drug. He could ruin your whole life if he doesn't stop. You must be firm about this mess. Your life needs to be put on hold until this situation is corrected. You have to tell him why you can't marry him this July. I don't think you should throw him out either, but he has to be put on notice that you won't be together if he doesn't stop using drugs of any kind. You Love him and you need to tell him that. He needs to be encouraged by you, so that he can regain his self esteem. That for some reason is one of the causes of self indulgence with drugs. You are the only person that will have any influence with him, and you can be of a great deal of support for him. If I were you, I would talk to someone in the city rehab program for drugs, and see what criteria they have and get some guide from them before you approach your guy. Good Luck, but don't try to handle this by yourself. There is just too much at risk for you to attempt to handle this alone. God Bless You and your family, I wish you the very best.

Answer 4

He hasn't raised his voice....... yet. If he is smoking crack, you can bet the voice will not only raise but he will eventually become abusive and may end up hurting you or your son or killing one or both.

He has no family. THAT is not your problem if he chooses to continue course in his life. Your first obligation is to protect your son, NOT a grown man.

I think you should go seek some counseling and find out what to expect from this. Find a place where they counsel drug addicts and talk with some of them and get a better picture of what is to come.

Another thing you need to do is contact a detective (you don't have to tell them who but you do need advice) and get some feedback about what they deal with and what crack addicts do. Let them share some horror stories with you so just maybe you will wake up. Knowledge is power and you might be able to really educate yourself so you will make wiser decisions ~ right now you sure are not.

You have a huge red flag being waved at you and you are totalling ignoring it. You are not a wise mother at this point and I fear for your son's safety. I hope you will think 100 times over about your decision in all this.

Answer 5

Crack is a serious and very addictive drug. You need to have a long talk with your fiance. More than likely he needs some sort of treatment plan to stop. It is very dangerous for this type of drug to be around where a small child could get it.

If you have been living together for 12 years and this is the first time you have seen him do this, it may be a recent habit. If so, his personality and his demeanor may change and not be the man that you have known. Until you know more, I would definitely not leave my son alone with him.

You don't just slip with crack.

Be careful.

Answer 6

If he won't get help now, leave. And tell him you will leave so he knows you mean business. I work at a Post Office in Atlanta and I have seen too many GOOD men fall apart with this. I know personnally of 3 that left one day from work, went to a friends house, smoked a little and no one heard from them for weeks. They did rehab, came back to work, and then did it again. This cycle repeated until they were fired at work (yeah, it will get you fired at the post office) divorced and somewhere unknown until they died. All three are now dead before they turned 50. One died before 40. These were not teenagers but grown mature men with kids and grandkids, Dead because of crack. They were not abusive, and they were good providers until the crack. And they could not shake the habit. Once they started smoking, that was all they could think about.

Get Out Now!!!

Answer 7

I'm not going to answer your question but ask a question that's something to think about.


What did he say when you caught him? Is he offering to go get help on his own?

You should remember drug addicts are some of the best actors on earth.

The other you have to think about is not leaving your 4 year old alone with him. While he may have done anything crazy at this point drugs can make people less thoughtful and responsible than they would usually be. He could be high and your son could get hurt or wander off.

Go to someplace like al-anon to speak with other people who have addicted family members

visit Narcotics anoymous for suggestions
http://www.na.org/

Be realistic don't try to make excuses for him when you make excuses for him you enable his habit. As he no doubt has been making excuses for a long time. This is a no-nonsense matter.

Answer 8

Try to give him time by showering him with more love and care.
Then voice this issue out to him and tell him a suggestion you've thought of then just telling him its not right to do so and no resolution suggested to him.
If using love, care and concern doesnt helps, then you gotta revise this whole matter over again.
Dont leave him at this moment because marriage or a relationship for 12years, both must go through thick and thins so as to attain a ideal marriage.
By leaving him and listening to others unhealthy suggestion might be wrong because a relationship only consist of a world between you n him. Others can only give you advise that might be unhealthy.
Follow your heart, educate him, give him chance and time, if it doesnt work out to be what you want, then prepare for the worst decision that you might already have now. At least you did try before you make up the worst decision on him.
Good luck.

Answer 9

Ask him if he's willing to talk to a counselor which can potentially lead to an in-patient rehab. That's a very serious drug and can really ruin his life, yours, and more importantly your son's life. Eventually the child will grow up and realize what is going on and it will effect him. Ask him to see a counselor and offer to go together. Try to steer him to a treatment program and most importantly postpone the wedding. Tell him you refuse to marry him until he seeks treatment and that you fully support his recovery. Give it your best effort but at the end of the day he has to WANT help. You can't force it on someone.

Don't be afraid to leave if you exhaust all outlets. Think about your son first and what environment you want him to grow up in. Don't stay because of guilt of him lacking a lot of family. Stay strong.

Good luck

Answer 10

First of all dear why in the heck has it taken 12 years for you 2 to set a wedding date? that to me just strikes me as very odd..but anyways, have you discussed this with him? how did it make you feel when you caught him? My boyfriend in the 3 years we have been together was addicted to that crap before we hooked up and slipped just once since because I told him straight up I WILL not deal with that.. I grew up pretty much the same way you did girl, and it seems that this "man of your dreams" may not be all you think he is.. obviously this has been something he's been doing..and hiding from you, so you gotta talk to him.. ask him why he does it? how long he's been doing it..this is a very hard question to answer because so many people have so many different reactions..I am just afraid that you are being too easy on him about this and its a very serious situation that needs help, I wouldn't allow my child to be brought up with someone who has a habit of that nature..and just the simple fact of you being with him this long and you never knowing shows that he is deceiving in ways...I feel bad for ya dear..I hope you guys can work it out, its gonna take some hard work on his part for sure! GOOD LUCK! XOXOXO