New poem, what do you think?

Question

Lying awake
Bitter at all stakes
Wondering why you
And figuring on what to do

You seem to blame everyone and everything
For every problem that seems to spring
Even though the one to blame
Is the one who points fingers; the very same

The realization hits you like a ton of bricks
After you’ve been beaten with burdening sticks
Beaten and broken
Blood dried and sweat soaking

You cant even feel your body anymore
And you wonder if it’s even sore
The way you imagined it’d be
If you’d ever drown in the snaring sea

You wonder why you put so much on yourself
Why love for you is something you’ve never felt
Why you seem to hate on the one you call “me”
Why anyone who loves you, you cant see

So you fight and you hide
And push anyone away who dares to find
They’ll search for things you don’t know
Things inside your very soul

(more to be added)

And ..
Even though you love them
You’re going on a whim
Because you know they’ll be hurt in the end
The way you are isn’t something you can bend

You want to love yourself like they seem to do
But in truth you don’t see what they see in you
You’re afraid of the good
And that is something you’ve never understood
You seem to look at only the bad
And how perfection is something you wish you had

How there will always be someone ahead
And how you weren’t the fastest tread
You know you love her, yeah you know you do
But even with her you wont be number one or number two
It’s all enough to cause you pain
So here you are alone in the bed you have lain

And you realize as you write this out
That you have no reason to scream and shout
And you see just how selfish you are
And that’s another imperfection that seems to drive far..

Answer 1

It appears to be entirely focused on the rhymes. It has a totally random meter and says very little that is poetic.

Answer 2

Terrific work. I really enjoyed reading this poem because it's got raw and real emotion in it. This poem speaks to me, and truthfully points out some of the issues I'm going through. You helped me learn something about myself and I can't thank you enough. I hope to read more of your work because this is great writing that should be shared with the world. Your brilliance and talent really shows through your work. I'm proud that I got the chance to read the gem you've created. Keep on writing and keep your head up. I believe in you and think you'll go on to do amazing things.

Answer 3

This is beat/rap poetry. It doesn't work unless you rattle it off like rap, disregarding any normal phrase beats and adding a heavy accent on the rhyming words. You could put this to a rap beat and pull it off...you could recite it at a meeting of youth who enjoy rapp as long as you read it in that context. Most poets will not see this as poetry, but the truth is that it is accepted as such more and more. It's not my favorite form, but it does work.

keep writing

Answer 4

For me a poem has to have rhythm. It does not always have got to rhyme nevertheless it demands to hit my feelings. I feel readability of expression is major as good. I do not love to moment wager what I'm studying approximately. I continually seem for what I time period "poetic gem stones"within the textual content.

Answer 5

Gorilla,
This is a poem of emotions
and strong feelings
because there is much blame
along with fighting and hiding
you taught me another word to rhyme is whim
and I often use poem.

Answer 6

Not a poem. Tell her. Maybe after you have the actual conversation with her, you can write "the poem."

Answer 7

You are amazing!!