what do you think about my song
One thirty in the morning and I can't sleep
Life is so boring, so full of deceit
I'll stay awake and try to watch the sun rise
I tried to sleep so I could live my life
Another day has come and gone
So many years that were spent so wrong
I go to work, and then I come home
And then remember that I am so alone
Another sleepless night spent all by myself
This can't be, at all, good for my health
Another day has come and gone
So many years that were spent so wrong
I go to work, and then I come home
Now I remember I'm no longer alone
Life is good, I've got the best of friends
I guess this is where my journey begins
I guess this is where my journey begins
-Early Morning Epiphany
2007-08-24 14:47:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
To Kevin s: If you're referring to the lines "Another sleepless night spent all by myself
This can't be, at all, good for my health"
yes this is my bridge
2007-08-26 15:44:42 · update #1
Tough to properly review without hearing the music, but a few things catch my eye. First, the rhymes are partial in most cases, but reasonably effective because they're vowel rhymes...a little strained on myself/health, but close enough if combined with music. The other thing I noticed is that you have a couplet in the middle of the song where I'd expect a pair of couplets...is this your bridge? If not, you'll need another pair of lines perhaps. Otherwise, it's not bad, and actually poetically sound because you did NOT use full end stopped rhymes.
2007-08-26 12:41:57 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love it. It's very traditional, yet original because I could feel that it came from a certain person. I don;t know how to explain it, but I felt that I knew somehow it had a 'happy ending' because ... It felt good to read it. It is a comfort song. That things in life can't be fine and dandy all the time and you just ahve to wiat fo the good stuff, like in yor song. You just have to wait for that epiphany.
:) *calm, peaceful smile*
Thanks
⥠Peace
2007-08-24 22:24:57 · answer #2 · answered by ♫musicLIFE love ♥ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm.....well, it isn't very orginal, but it was good to see real rhythm in something posted here.....we don't get that too much. :-)
I guess I wouldn't change it too much, but in future writing, maybe try to find a new way of expressing a common feeling.
And thank you for your comment I my poem!
2007-08-25 09:52:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds good. I like it.
2007-08-25 03:18:00 · answer #4 · answered by birdtennis 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its good! makes you think! about how we all do the same thing everyday
2007-08-24 22:23:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋