~None Shall Stand But I ~ please read and comment?

Question

None shall stand but I
Upon the stony brink;
Above the swirling, swallowing waves
Who beg for me to sink.

None shall stand, but I,
When sorrows promise me to cease;
When all that has been, seems a dream,
Of artificial peace.

None shall know, but I
As I gently onward tread
The final step, before my death,
What surprise is mine, what dread.

None shall hold the lifeless hand
That slowly sinks to Hell;
This soul hears not the whisper:
"My child, all is well."

These my speculations are,
As I think, so solitarily here;
Were I to die, what would be lost,
Except, perhaps, this fear?

Oh! Look I now beside me:
Another form stands
In white, with radiance about,
But dark scars in His hands.

"You are going to jump?" says He to me;
"No, my lord, are You?"
"Yes, I am, for you have lied,
You will jump, so I will, too."

In fear I lept then of the ledge,
And thought I wished to die;
But I found myself in loving arms,
And was given back my life.

This is my darkest poem yet, and I wasn't sure whether to post it or not.

Anyway, I would be honored with your comments! Thanks in advance.

Thank you all for your comments--I do realize it could use some work.

Keep 'em coming :-)

Answer 1

It is dark, but it's good. You're talented. A couple of things: First of all, you might want to edit it again, a couple of typos, and a couple of places you could word it a little better.
Secondly, I question the word "fear" in the first line of the last stanza. Is fear really what the subject is feeling at this point?

Altogether, though, very good.

Answer 2

Good ballad stanza. You've got rhyme and metre down well. Cleaning it up with better proofing and a few cuts should yield a great poem. Oh! Look I now beside me: is awkward and stilted, try cutting the Oh and I. Look now beside me is direct discourse. Similarly, Are you jumping? He says to me, No my Lord, are you? I am,for you lied, As you jump, I shall, too.
With fear I leapt from the ledge, To die and end my strife; But found myself in loving arms, Given back my life. Why are your first lines convoluted? Direct statements and simple tenses work and engage your reader equally well.

Answer 3

Your poem is very good and well worth working on.

Now I look beside me,
Where another stands.
In white, he generates some light,
Though dark scars on His hands.

Answer 4

Not bad, not bad at all. Talent abounds, keep up the good work. work on the cadence, it strays a little, but not so bad that I'll actually complain. have a star for effect.

Answer 5

I love ur poem. i would give it a 100/100! u r great with great imagination! i recommend entering it in a contest, i bet u, u would win!
*Best of luck*

From Animal_lover

Answer 6

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. This poem should've been titled "leggo my death!".

Answer 7

You are a brilliant poet.

Answer 8

That was pretty depressing... but still good... check my song out please.. I've been trying to get opinions but no one will help me out

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