Please give your opinion on "Sunny"?

Question

This poem sounds better to me when read out loud than it does on paper, but I wanted some more opinions. The places in quotations are to read as if they are an echo. Let me know what you think.

Sunny

She heard the whispers in her mind,
Calling her name all the time.
"Sunny....Sunny!"

She was coming to the end of the line,
Looking for just a single person to be kind.
"Isn't it funny.....funny?"

So much lost, that she will never find.
She prays to God for one last sign.
"Bloody....Bloody!"

When the rain comes, half past nine,
she thinks,"an end will come and this is mine."
"Muddy....Muddy!"

And as the rain washed away her mind,
She closed her eyes for the final time.
"And it was sunny....sunny."

Answer 1

I'm no poet, but I like it. I think it would make a good song, and it is a good poem, in my opinion. Keep up the good work :)

Answer 2

A few things. First, if you want the "echo", then only put the echoed word in quotes, not the entire line. You need to have someone read this out loud to you so you'll hear the extended lines (too many beats) and faulty meter (hard spots) of some lines. Your eye lies to your brain and makes lines that need to be shortened sound right...that's why you need an unbiased eye to read them to you so you can hear these hard spots. You've got the talent to fix them, you just need to hear them first.

keep writing

Answer 3

I like it. Although it's completly different the idea reminds of the Bells bells bells by Edgar Allen Poe. If you ever get the chance to hear this read aloud please check out and perahps you'll see what I mean.