Is my ex-husband right?

Question

My ex-husband keeps saying and writing in e-mails that I am a rebel and do not do things on a timely basis to show commitment.

We were thinking of reuniting and I would have had to empty out my items in storage, close my bank account, ship my car and book a ticket per him.

He does not want any of my things left in the state that I live. He is insecure and feels that I will leave him if I do.

I make plans to go back - arrange to donate my items, book tickets and then change my mind.

I feel sad because maybe if I would work with my ex-husband, things would work have worked out.

Then, when I think of the life that I lived with him - constantly walking on eggshells because he was verbally abusive and controlling, I feel scared to step back into life with him.

Maybe the problem is me and I am not committed enough?

Answer 1

Maybe the problem is that he is controlling and abusive and that is why you left him to begin with...men don't change...they only get worse. Issues that were there before will be again..he is already acting insecure...you got out for a reason...probably to be happy.

Answer 2

Hold the phone here - stop this kind of thinking.

First of all, this guy is your ex and, as you said, he is your ex for a reason. Don't get starry eyed over him now that you have some time and space to make you forget why things ended in the first place. Remember: verbally abusive and controlling. It didn't work and therefore ended.

Second, what's with the " you can't leave any stuff in your state in case you leave me" bit? Do you see that you were the person in that situation taking all the risks and doing all the work to get to him? I can't say how happy I was to read that you changed your mind. Good for you! You just saved yourself round 2 of heartache.

Finally, feeling sad is normal because you were so hopeful about having something good with your ex. Plus, it means you are alone and that can be very lonely.

But here's the thing: You totally did the right thing for you. When the right guy comes, you will know and you will do what needs to be done to demonstrate your commitment. Don't let your ex tear you down. You saved yourself!

Answer 3

No dear the problem is not you at all. He is an ex for a reason, he is trying to control you now wanting you to let everything go to be with him if he wants you so bad why don't he let his things go and come back. Were he is the marriage laws maybe be different you may just want to follow ur heart and stay were you are he say he has changed do not believe it at all. HE trying to get you outta the state why should you leave and sacrifice all GOD has blessed you with just to be with him he can still be the same person he was before you never know. Follow your heart do not let his emails or down talking call your bluff on the way you feel about him. The pass is the pass let it go find you someone who will meet you half ways in any descisions being made. If he really want you back then why did he leave in the first place? Think about it go with the way you feel it is GOD speaking to you tellling you not to go and step back into something you all ready know about and been thru. There are more guys out there who will treat you like the queen that you are block his emails if you no longer want to talk to him the more you communicate with him you will not be able to move on with your life at all he still trying to hold on to you and control you open your eyes hun do not fall back into that again.

Answer 4

Theres nothing wrong with self protecting.. and thats what ur doing.. if i were u id lie to him and tell him that u got rid of ur things and just keep them in storage.. possibly pay several months in advance on the storage before u leave.. , If he was verbally abusive and controlling then all he's trying to do is control u now , i personally think this isnt the guy u should be with, because men like this are very manipulative and will say what they need to say to get u back whether its by being super sweet , scaring u, or making u feel guilty.. If he truely loves u and wants this to work, he should be the one proving to u that he's worthy of being with u not the other way around.. u should take a stand, and if he doesnt want to play by ur rules then he doesnt love u enough to be with u .. u shouldnt have to change to suit his needs.. he's trying to get rid of everything, so that u wont have anything so he can trap u again, dont go back, trust me, ive been down this road before..

Answer 5

If you left because of being controlled, verbally abused & you constantly walked on egg shells, the situation STILL does exhist. First red flag, he's a controller & is very insecure. That's the reason he TOLD YOU to stop all contact w/where you presently are! He's told you in that statement that he HAS NOT CHANGED! Everything he told you to do, would just simply put you BACK in the SAME position you walked out of!!! NO the problem is NOT YOU...He's trying to make you think it's you. Don't for a minute fall for it again. IF you want to walk back into just what you walked out of, then by all means go back w/him! He is nothing but a CONTROLLING person trying to make you second guess yourself. You're the one who is right! He's waving that red flag in your face. Run the other way. AND, if you can, the best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of his life COMPLETELY once & for all. You can start over. You already have. Go forward, NOT backward. PLEASE read over all that you just wrote! Put your head up & continue going forward! That door is shut, another one WILL open. Just give it/yourself a fair chance. Don't make the mistakes I did, learn from them instead! Good luck...You CAN do it.....DO IT....

Answer 6

So basically he's saying if you're going to get back with him again, he wants you to give up your independence on his schedule. What kind of way is that to win someone back? Tell him if it's a doormat he wants, he can buy one for $5 at Walmart and quit wasting your time.

Edited to add: A couple other thoughts I had while puttering around the kitchen...

1. For heaven's sake, having the resources to function on your own doesn't indicate a lack of commitment. I'm happily married and have no intention of leaving my husband, but I have a couple small investment portfolios and a couple chequing accounts in my own name, and half my stuff is still in my parents' basement in another country awaiting the day when I have time to rent a van and go get it. Similarly my husband has his own accounts. This isn't a threat since we're together because we actually want to be together rather than because we feel trapped with nowhere else to go. Seems like your ex thinks you won't like being with him, so he's got to trap you or you'll leave. That doesn't sound very appealing to me.

2. Why should you automatically be the one who moves to go back to him? Why shouldn't he be the one who drops everything and come to you? Hah. Start telling him the same sort of thing... you think *he* isn't committed because he doesn't close his bank account, sell all his stuff, and come live with you and do whatever else you tell him to. How would *that* go over?

Answer 7

I re-married my wife after 7 years of divorce, but we didn't even think about getting re-married until we got some serious pre-marital counseling. There's so much baggage that must be delt with before you jump back into marriage with the same person. Unresolved conflicts that were never taken care of. Histories while you were apart. Expectations that were never met. Marriages aren't perfect but you were given an intuition for a reason. I feel your desire to make this work again, but it won't if there hasn't been real change. Healthy bounderies need to be set and respected. If he is willing to make the sacrifices that are needed for your reunion, then He's willing to keep those vows. If not, if he thows you guilt trips and tries to manipulate you into what he wants, then nothing has changed. Stand your ground and let him know that when he is ready, you will be too.
I know how hard this is and wish you had another good female friend to support you thru this. If you can get one, get one. Don't do it alone! Good luck, my wife and I will be praying for you.

Answer 8

verbally abusive and controlling....here's you sign, take it and forget him...it never gets better, it will only get worse and the remark that he made to you about being a rebel and not doing things on a timely basis is a very controlling thing to say. Years ago I was in a similar relationship and it almost got the best of me...I did not stay long, about 2 years, but those 2 years caused a lot of damage. Trust me you don't have the problem.

Answer 9

Well, I'm a bit baffled that you'd want to reunite with someone that you've already divorced. BAD IDEA, and I think both of you know it deep down. Getting over a divorce is hard and one quick and easy way to fix the pain and the fear of a new life is to go back to the old one. Sort of like: better the devil you know. Thing is, the same issues that got you guys to divorce in the first place will creep up again. It'll only be a matter of time.
If I were in your shoes, I'd really think this over very, very carefully.

Answer 10

the impression i got from the first two sentences, before you said anything about him controlling, was that this gut is a control freak. why do you want to go back- you will just leave again. and its not any easier the second time. your free of him. did you give yourself a chance without him? did you get into other relationships. you are your own person. how old are you? do you like some one telling you what to do? people say get a life, well you need to get a life for you the way you want it- don't live the way some one else wants you to. control freaks don't change, they manipulate.

Answer 11

If he's abusive, don't go back. There's no reason to live a life of walking on eggshells. It's not a commitment issue...it's a safety issue. People who are verbally abusive usually turn into physically abusive people.