after betrayal...where does it go?

Question

in a good stable marriage, relationship there is what i call this great innocense of trusting in your partner and no worries about cheating or anything. but after you have experienced it, how do you get that feeling where everything is good and you have that special bond back? and does it come fully back?

will you ever not worry that it will happen again with your spouse? how does a future like this looks? i am trying to deal with my husbands cheating in the past and we both want to work it out, but i dont want to suffer forever with worries about him being faithful.

last year a couple of times with the same woman. he says it never happened again, but thats not the point. i would never know because i didnt know then either.

Answer 1

Forgiveness and time are the only ingredients. If you feel his remorse is sincere then with time he will earn your trust back. It's normal for a couple of years you feel unsafe. Yes some people the bond fully comes back, for some it's even the beginning of a better relationship cause finally the issues were dealt with.

Answer 2

The key is forgiveness and then to go on. Truth is, you never really know if someone is going to cheat or not. Actions speak louder than any words. You will get that special bond back, if he is true to his word and stays committed to you. My husband and I have a stronger bond now. Seems like it scared both of us; knowing we almost lost what we cherised most. He made a huge mistake and all I can advise is that you let the past go, concentrate on what the two of you have now. The bond is still there; you are just afraid to give into it so strongly; afraid of the hurt you could feel again.

Don't think the trusting part will ever be as strong as it once was. How could it be? They did cheat and we trusted them completely. Now we have our eyes wide open, but it can be wonderful again. Don't dwell on the past and don't second guess. See what is in front of your eyes and accept reality of his love, your love for him. It isn't easy, but nothing worth fighting for is ever easy.

Answer 3

When the innocence's is gone your marriage isn't the same,it's like he gave himself and your marriage away so easy. I know exactly what you are going though because i have been dealing with it for over 10 years now. You never will look at him the same way or making love doesn't feel the same after all he did bring another person into the bedroom.So much damage is done you don't know if you can get through it by yourself and that's what it feels like you are by yourself with know one to talk to. You feel stupid and like a complete fool for letting him get away with it. You want to make your marriage work but you still feel like he is laughing at you because you did nothing about it. That special bond you once had is gone that can't come back the bond and innocence's is one in the same. It's been long and very hard at times for me but i held on and with his help we are doing good and so can you.

Answer 4

Cheating is NOT just one sin- he has cheated- lied to you-broken your trust-snuck around- and manipulated you into believing him. So with one action he hurt you in more than one way. I can say you may forgive him one day BUT this is something I dont think you will ever forget. Do u know what I mean? You will always wonder when he is late coming home what he is doing- where he is at. That 1% doubt will always be there. Now its up to HIM to win it all back! He is the one who needs to do all the reassuring- all the leg work and heart mending not you. I know if my hubby ever cheated I dont think id ever forget. The bond may grow strong once again thru time- love- and loyalty but it will always be in the back of your mind. What you need to do is search your heart and ask yourself if you love this man enough to work thru all the hurt he has caused you. Weigh all the good things against the bad and if the good outweighs the bad- then you can still save your marriage. Good luck to u My heart is with you

Answer 5

I honestly feel that betrayal ruins everything. When you are betrayed, you start to feel unworthy and disrespected.

I've been cheated on before a couple of times and that did nothing good for me or even to the relationship. I love him and I thought we will just be fine.

But to live everyday with doubts in your mind and fear of getting hurt again is not worth it.

It depends on what kind of a person you are. If you think you can handle yourself in this relationship and just forget about everything he's done to you, then you may have a chance.

But if the thoughts of him cheating keeps on coming back to you, then I'd say you'd be better off with a new start with a new guy.

Answer 6

Trust is so easily damaged, but it takes a long time to rebuild.
Especially when it is such a severe breech.

Your Husband will have to earn that trust again. He is the one who made the terrible choices and he will have to take FULL responsibility in rebuilding that trust.

To earn that trust, it will take more than words. Just saying "I will never do that again" means very little. He already had made a promise not to cheat on you when you married him.
So, he needs to show what he is doing to protect himself from those temptations, what personal boundaries he is willing to put in place. He needs to be very open with his life at this point. He needs to be very honest, even little lies will set back that trust. Let you see that he is doing the right thing. Over time, you will regain that trust. As you feel more secure with him, you will let your guard down and feel that bond more and more over time. This is NOT a quick process. It will take time, over a year, usually two to really feel comfortable again.

There will always be a scar, as with any painful experience. Initally, the pain can be intense, but over time, it does fade.

Answer 7

The only thing that I can say brought me through infidelity was God. I dont want to get too 'out there' on you but its like this for my husband and I....it takes faith. Faith in God that He will do a good work in your spouse and keep them on a right path. Faith that as you are that godly spouse, God will honor it with a godly mate. Faith in God to keep you at peace even when your emotions want to run crazy. I'm only 35 but I dated alot. I thought I knew what love was (when a man says 'i love you') but I learned that until a man loves the Lord..he can never truly love you. God has to be in the midst of a marriage, keeping you two together through the stuff that you are having trouble forgiving and forgetting. When you get HIm in the middle of your marriage, you can overcome anything, including infidelity. Its not so much about completely trusting your spouse..its about trusting God to work ON your spouse. Therein lies the peace, restoration and love you seek to rediscover.

Answer 8

Ask youself this question: Do you still love him? If yes, than you have to completely remove this memory from you data bank and start it brand new.
Who cares about the "other" woman, as long as you're still Mrs...xxxxx, you're the only one who entitle to half of what he owns. Look at Mrs. Clinton, she's still Mr. Presidents' wife all other woman disappear already, noboday even remember who they are.

However, if there're too much pain going on, then drop him, you may find someone better. Maybe that person is just around the corner.

Answer 9

I think it's great that you are trying to work through it, but don't be down on yourself for struggling through it. You have a tough road ahead of you. It's easier to forgive then it is to forget and this may not leave your thoughts. Things can feel normal again, but it may always stick in the back of your mind. Somedays you won't think about it and somedays it will drive you nuts. You can't throw it at him if you forgive him and he will need to earn his trust back. It's work on both sides of the relationship.

Answer 10

I would take it one day at a time. trust is earned...since you are willing to work on it ,to some degree you are going to have to let the past be the past....If you trust him enough to think he will change then give it a chance.... I pray that every thing works out for you and that he sincerely wants to change and will make the steps to change. If I were you I would definitely think of getting some counseling as well.....
God bless