Should i stay?

Question

ok this is going 2 be longwinded i'm sorry. My husband is depressed at the moment and we have had a few problems but one thing that's come out is that the last 3 years he's been telling me he's quit smoking but he's been smokin @ wrk and i've been askin but he kept lyin n we both quit because i was pregnant. He's now smoking all the time and i hate it i h8 the way he smells his breath is rank although he doesn't come near me or the kids 4 half an hour after he still smells and i can't stand his fingers near me 'cos they smell 2 and i can't help but think of them as dirty. He did want to leave and i didn't want him 2 but we decided to try again but i'm finding it increasingly difficult to deal with i'm sorry if i offend any smokers or come across as horrible but this is a big thing for me i love him n i don't want to lose him but on the other hand we have no sex life no money cos we already used up every penny of our money and i'm allways lukin after the kids on my own wot shud i do?

he does brush his teeth n uses gum when we are out n washes his hands if i try talking to him he goes mad n says he's not going to quit smoking

i do have a job and i'm trying to help him but he won't talk to me takes 2 antidepressants a day and has been offered counseling he won't go to

Answer 1

You say you love him then proceed to tell us all the bad things about him/your relationship...
he smokes
he lies
you have no sex life
he has already wanted to leave once
you are the one who always has to take care of the kids
you have no money
Sp what are your options? He can quit smoking... for good! You can seek financial counseling to help you learn how to deal with the situation you are in and hopefully improve it.
And you can talk to your husband and tell him where your heart & head are right now.
Sounds like you want it to work but are overwhlemed by all the problems you are facing. Most people would be.
You and your husband are at a crossroad right now. You BOTH need to decide what road you are going to take. Hopefully it will be the same one.

Answer 2

My husband chews tobacco....AND I HATE IT. He hates it too and has tried to quit several times. It's soooo hard for him though. He couldn't stop and started sneaking it behind my back too. I hate the way it smells and everything. But there is no way I would ever divorce him because of that. You married him for better or for worse and you just need to learn to deal with him smoking if you want to keep him. Tell him that you'd appreciate it if he cut down when hes around you and always.washes his hands and mouthwashes afterwards. Tell him it would mean the world to you is he quit and you will do whatever it takes to support him when he decides to. There are much bigger reasons why you two are talking about leaving. You have no money, your the only one watching the kids and you have no sex life. That can't all be because he smokes. Look further into your relationship and go to counseling. Be open with eachother and listen to what he has to say also. good luck.

Answer 3

Smoking? Are you kidding?? Sounds like you're looking for an excuse to leave. I think you should truly examine your heart to see if you can't pinpoint what it is that's really bothering you. Meanwhile, lighten up. It's not that big a deal.

I smoked for years. Quit, started, quit again. Started again. Told my wife different things throughout. SHE did the exact same thing!! We both smoke now; she cigarettes, me cigars. We don't smoke around each other, we don't talk about it. In fact, she doesn't know that I know she smokes again. When I was trying to hide it I would sometimes werea glove on my smoking hand, and have a bottle of Listerine handly. I know, it's kind of funny, weird, whatever.... but I know that it's not worth leaving! It's only smoking!!!

Smoking is NOT a character flaw! It's an addiction. He's not ready to quit so don't bug him. Maybe if you wanted him to quit for HIS benefit instead of yours he might take think about it.

Truly, though, you need to figure out what it is that's really bugging you and you might start getting to the bottom of all this.

Good luck....

Answer 4

Well you could start smoking again and then it won't bother you as much.. But I sense thats not really a option for you... SO maybe a little postive reniforcement is in order, one day after he comes home from work, (make sure you have some gum and febreeze) give him a piece of gum then spray him down with febreeze, hes going to be like what are you doing? Might even freak out alitte bit. Tell him its for his own good. IF he puts up with it. take him to the bed room and rock his world like you have never rocked his world before, after your done, say to him "I wish we could do this more often, but febreeze is more expensive then cig's, and if you quit smoking I could do this everynight." Hopefully the allure of sex is stronging then nico, in most guys it is, I have succesfully quit smoking 3 times for sex, its all about the motivation baby.
You do have other options though if you don't like that one, talking to him about how it makes you feel, is a good start.
IF you've already done that, then I suggest, making him do his own luandry or something, guys hate luandry so he might change his smoking ways, or he will leave you for someone who will do his luandry and doesn't care if he smokes. In that case he is a useless bastard, and your better off with out him.

Sonojudan
"I quit smoking 3 times for sex, then when she broke up with me I went and bought more cigs."

Answer 5

if you really love him like you say you do you wouldnt be making a bigger deal out of this smoking thing then it is. only you complaining about his smoking isNOT making the situation any better. a man will do something when he wants to do it. so you can complain and moan all day everyday and he is going to quit when he feels he wants to quit. other then the smell i guess you going to have to get use to it. find things that are strong and gets the smell away like that germ hand sanitizer that u dont need soap or water or whatabout a good gum or mouthwash that will get the smell away. stop making a mountain out of a molehill. if you cant live with it you might as well live without it. maybe you too needs counseling quick! maybe it has more to do then with his smoking and you are just finding something to bother him about. as far as your money situation it sounds like you both need fulltime jobs asap! your problems occur farther then the smoking issue i see. good luck

Answer 6

no disrespect intended, but we all live in a free society, and we all have vices. I'm not minimizing the issue, its important to you, but what determines our divorce rates should not be whether or not we can't stand all the shoes/make-up/catalog & e-bay lucky finds she buys or the video games/internet he uses till all hours or the ben & jerry's "have-to-have-it-NOW" episodes. We can't just leave our marriage! I least, I HOPE thats not why we would leave. This sounds like its not really about the smoking. There seems to be a bigger issue. I hope you two can find out what it is, work together & bring each other through it with love, respect & compromise. Best of luck, baby girl

Answer 7

hi..i was just wondering about one thing. i mean when u married this guy, he was smoking, right? Personallly, i don't smoke and i get offended when people smoke around me but your case is different coz it seems like he's been doing it since day one (when u met him), huh? I don't think u should leave him coz of his smoking...in fact, u could try and help him cut it down and also, i am sure their are so many things smokers can try to use if they wanna stop smoking..try talking to him and tell him how u feel and all that...and find a way out of this problem together...good luck!

Answer 8

Smoking is one of the toughest things to quit--He needs your support, not whining--

It sounds like you have alot more issues than just smoking You both need counselling---and you need to think about whats best for the family instead of whats best for you.

Answer 9

If he is not able to stop smoking that is no reason to leave. But the other issues are things that with time and effort you two can work them out.

Answer 10

I am betting there are some bigger issues at play here besides his smoking. My guess is you married to young and have grown apart. You need to get a job and start taking care of yourself. You and your husband need to see a marriage counselor to see if you have anything worth saving.