Why do women feel that they are not contributing to the household if they are a stay at home mother?

Question

My wife took two years off of work, after we adopted two children. We worked very hard to help them get through their problems and they are doing great. However, the kids are now in the first and 2nd grades, and she said that she has not been very happy staying at home, and would like to contribute to the family more. I was thinking to myself that she does most of the cooking, cleaning, and watching the kids. I make a good income, and she does not need to work, but she feels like she needs to. Why wouldnt you think that doing all this is not contributing to the family? I remember birthdays, aniversaries, and do special things for her. I take her on dates and work very hard on our relationship, and just want to understand.

Answer 1

As a wife who stayed home when the kids were small, and went back to work after that, I feel competent to answer you. What if the roles were reversed? YOU stayed home and cared for the little ones and then they went off to school. Your wife has this terric and exciting job and makes lots of money. But you don't feel all that fulfilled now that the kids are in school. Wouldn't YOU want to find an interesting job (even part time) so that you have something to talk about besides dirty dishes, laundry and the vacuum cleaner? I worked after the kids were in school, had a great time. When a mother works, and is happy, she is an excellent role model for her kids. The boys learn that women are competent at things other than housework, and the girls learn that they can be competent AND nurturing, too. Studies show that mothers who work are happier than stay-at-homes once the kids get into school and there's less to do. You should be encouraging your wife to fulfill her dreams and be all she wants to be in life.

Answer 2

The children are older now and more self sufficient. I'm sure that after the morning rush, and before the after-school rush there is more time than chores.

She may be thinking back to her career days and remembering the ego boost of a job well done, and that paycheck. She might also be thinking that her education, experience and knowledge could be spent on more interesting projects than cooking, cleaning and watching the kids - especially when those kids are gone 6 hours a day.

She does contribute - but I can't help but wonder if she's ready to spread her wings a little bit. Additionally, if there are "extras" that you're saving for, she's probably wondering if she could help provide the money for those extras.

Try to imagine yourself in her shoes - what if, instead of whatever you do, you stayed home. Would you feel a little of being "just" a homemaker?

As a SAHM mom myself, with both kids in school now, I'm considering going back to work, both to contribute financially, and to use some brain cells that have been sleeping. I'm also ready to real conversations with people and not have their eyes glaze over when I mention what I do. But first, I'm taking a few weeks to finish up a couple of projects around the house - and I'm going back to work w/ flexible hours so I can still be home when the kids get home.

I've loved these years home, but I'm ready to take some work challenges too. And after putting in many volunteer hours, it would be nice to be paid for my work.

Answer 3

You feel as though is is contributing which is GREAT because a lot of guys don't feel that way.

However, people around her, in your neighborhood, at the children's school, etc. may look at it as though she is taking the "easy" way out and dumping the real work on you. A lot of people don't realize that to raise a family, and cook, and clean is a job in itself that sometimes needs to be the only thing a person does.

Sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that you really appreciate the fact that she is a stay at home mother. Tell her that you really respect her for all that she does from the family at home, and that there is no reason for her to feel as though she needs to contribute to the family any more. If she tells you she still wants to contribute more, then maybe she just doesn't like sitting home all day and is getting bored.

Respect her decision either way. But do make sure she knows how much you respect the work she does at home.

Hope this helps. :-)

Answer 4

Personally, I think the woman's movement did us a great disservice. We are now told by society that if we are not working outside of the home, then what we are doing is being lazy. I had to fight that not too long ago. Sometimes it's not what was said to me, but what wasn't said, and how some things were said. It was so easy to feel that I wasn't contributing to anything important even though I was working my @ss of from the second, no, before my feet even touched the floor. The traditional mom role is the hardest jobs ever. That, and even when I took a break, I was still at work. It's hard to never ever leave work. Not too many people, including women understand this. Good Luck to you, and tell your wife I said she has a good husband to support and care for her the way you are.
Blessed Be

Answer 5

She knows she is contributing. This is just her way of saying that she needs more out of life than being stuck in the house all the time.

Just accept it and let her do her thing. Personally I think being a housewife is one of the hardest jobs there is. They are always at work no matter the time of day.

She wants to share the responsibility at home so she can get out and feel better about things by making some of the income. I would also volunteer to do a little more around the house to make the transition more smooth.

IMO, you don't really have a problem unless you are afraid to let her have a little freedom. By supporting her on this you will strengthen your bond with her.

Answer 6

If she was staying at home then she was the household. I'm not saying you didn't contribute or trying to negate what you do, but she was the household.

It's probably a money issue. Tell her this "Salary.com consulted with Stay at Home and Working Moms and determined the top 10 jobs that make up a mom's job description. If paid, Stay at Home Moms would earn $134,121 annually (up from 2005's salary of $131,471)."

She's been a stay at home mom for a while. Now that the kids are in school she's probably having trouble with defining her role now. Almost an empty nest syndrome.

Answer 7

Right now, I am basically a stay at home mom until after the baby is born. First of all, I want to say this. My husband and myself both do very well career-wise. But we have been caculating the price of daycare and it is seriously going to hurt us. Daycare is going to cost us $200.00 a week. $800.00 a month for a newborn which is ridiculous. I think someone need to step in and set a price that is affordable, but that is another topic. I get up in the morning and make my husband and son breakfast. Clean the house, run all the errands and pay all the bills. No matter how much I do, there is always more to be done. SAHM is a lot more than I thought it was. At the end of the day, I am tired. Then of course you still have to be "wife" at the end of the day. Having one teenager is tough enough, I cannot imagine taking care of three all day long. Most of my time is spent cleaning up after other people. You are NOT a gold digger. You are doing one of the most difficult of jobs with out the benefit of a paycheck. You are commeded to be so hands on with your children. Normally the people who complain are the ones that do not have children. Ignore them, remember a lot of people are just kids on her. They have no concept of what it means to be a stay at home mom.

Answer 8

Stay at home mothers are definitely hard-working, however, your wife personally may feel like what she does is not valued. It appears you are providing her with a lot of support and appreciation for her contribution to the family, however, she may be searching for a sense of self; not just always being "mom". As a mother of 3, I never returned to my management job 13 years ago when I had my first child. I have been home every since raising our three children and I am very proud of the fact they all are thriving, intelligent, happy children who have always had both quality and quantity time with me. My children come first and this is MY contribution to the family, my husband and I feel it is the most important one.

Your wife should understand that the most important job in the world is being a mom. No toys or money can replace the time and dedication a parent gives a child.

I bring them to all of their extracurricular activites and I have never missed any of their events. I am always there for them and I am grateful everyday that my husband and are financially capable of giving them this gift - love and time.

When your wife looks back as your children go off to university, she will never regret dedicating her life to her children. No nine to five job will ever have the payback or rewards a stay at home mother has from putting her children first.

What she may be looking for is a sense of purpose when your children are at school. She may find some cause she can volunteer for, work part-time while they are at school (I supply teach when my little one is in school in the morning) or join a club (women's soccer team, tennis lessons, etc.) during the evening when you get home to give her sense of self or change from the homefront.

I wish you luck with your family!

Answer 9

Having to sit at home all day and do the same routine over and over and over again....starts to become VERY boring and it gets old.

Plus after you do all of those tasks for that long of a time, you begin to feel it's no longer appreciated and things that the mother does, seem to go unoticed...whereas before the husband would praise his wife and the kids would say "thank you" etc.

.Also it's like a job for instance, after you do it for so long, any hard work/effort you put into it just goes unoticed after so long...and then you begin to question if you should find something else to do.

.Staying at home isn't as "fun" as it sounds, after so long it is boring...and the woman might feel as if she needs something to do, such as GET A JOB just so she can occupy herself and make money to help contribute to the household. In fact I really don't think it's about the money, it's just about keeping yourself occupied in an attempt to be noticed and appreciated for the work you've done or have been doing.


Everyone wants to be appreciated, then again everyone does get bored of the same routine everyday...which is why you see and hear about more and more people with stay at home moms and dads either working from home online, or have a part-time job.

Answer 10

She knows why there's a need to go back to work. Sure, being a stay at home mom, is a full time job, but now that the children are in school, she feels a need to contribute more. Talk to her about it but don't press too hard if she isn't willing to explain her reasons. Maybe she feels a bit of a void now that the children are in school. Who really knows? We women have feelings that aren't always easy to convey to our spouses. You're a great husband from what I have read & don't ever change. Just be supportive of her wishes to go back to work.