My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 1/2 yrs. I'm wanting a committed relationship (marriage & family) while he has never felt ready to commit- wanting more life experience, freedom, sexual experience- although he has been faithful and loves me. I'm 34, he's 27- we're in different stages of life. I am almost 4 months pregnant with his child, I don't want to be a single mom. He told me that if it weren't for the child he would choose his freedom over the relationship, however, he has agreed to live with me and co-parent and try to work out the relationship to the best of his ability. He has mixed feelings about the relationship, and he wants space to feel his anger, depression, fantasies about other women, etc. Am I holding onto a romantic ideal of wanting an affectionate, loving, committed partnership- is this expecting too much in this situation? We do love & care for each other, yet I understand how he feels life pushed him into this- Can this story have a happy ending?
2007-08-24 08:35:19 · 31 answers · asked by oceanlotus108 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You knew the guy didn't want to commit so you deliberately got pregnant in the hope that you could trap him into marrying you. That is so dumb. You should get an abortion. That is the smartest thing you can do because even if you can force him to marry you, it will not last.
2007-08-24 09:19:51 · answer #1 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I hate to say this because it is not what you want but you have to set him free. I know that the thought of being a single parent is scary but could you live with yourself if you know that he choose you because of a baby. At some point you are all going to be hurt by this, better now than later.
If you tell him now that you understand where he is coming from and let him have the room that he needs he might make the decision that you are what he needs but there are no guarantees. But if you love him than you can't expect that he will suddenly come around and be what you need. Unfortunately is sounds that he has always been honest about his feelings and that they haven't changed. He is not mature enough to be in the relationship that you want.
Maybe over time he will learn that committment can be good and that it can be something that someone wants.
Good luck to you and hope that this turns out well.
2007-08-24 08:45:24 · answer #2 · answered by katbonikowski 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just because you are pregnant does not mean that you "have" to be together. Just make sure that your focus is on the child and not necessarily what will make you happy. If your boyfriend is not happy now, he won't be happy later. It sounds like he really does not want to be with you and by him living there and wanting to have his freedom is only going to bring frustration on your part therefore resulting in arguments and stress. That is not a good or healthy atmosphere that your baby needs to live in. Perhaps you are better off as friends and you both should move on. I do think that he needs to be a part of the child's life and take on his responsibilities as a father. You deserve better than what he is offering you and you should not settle, even though he is the father of your baby. I wish you the best.
2007-08-24 08:43:07 · answer #3 · answered by Shelley 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being a single mom is NOT the worst thing in the world. I don't know if your man will ever step up; it sounds maybe as if he makes a lot of excuses and thinks he can get away with that b/c you are older than him---like he thinks he can make you feel like he's too young for all this stuff you pressure him for... He's not. He may be younger than you but if he could find the hole to stick it in, he can figure out that now is the time to let go of all his 'space to feel sh** out' and work on becoming a more generous, loving, considerate partner and father-to-be...
You're not dumb for wanting this---a family and a loving, committed relationship... just see if things change. But if they don't and you are still wishing for these things, keep in mind there IS someone out there that can give it to you, if you make yourself available and do not spend years crying to this guy.
2007-08-24 08:44:46 · answer #4 · answered by GodivaChocolateStarfish 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It can have a happy ending, but you both have to be in this together. Rocky relationship BEFORE the baby rarely make it AFTER the baby.
Also--there has to be a point where you have to look and ask yourself if this is a guy who you think you want your child to think of as a hero. Do you REALLY want this man to be an active father? Don't get desperate in the relationship that because you're pregnant the relationship HAS to work. It's not healthy.
You're 34!! Single parenting is tough, but you're not 16. You're established in your job and your life. You don't need a jerk who can't even commit after nearly 2 years.
2007-08-24 08:40:37 · answer #5 · answered by FaZizzle 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie, you need to let him go. He has made it clear that he has no intention of being the husband and father you are fantasizing about. Better to accept that now. I know you don't want your child to be fatherless but trust me, it is better for the child not to know this father at all than to start out life thinking of him as a father figure only to lose him a year or a few months down the road.... which is GOING to happen. You are perfectly capable of giving your child the love he or she will need without a father. To try and force this man into a situation he very clearly isn't capable of would be doing a great disservice to your unborn child.
2007-08-24 08:46:32 · answer #6 · answered by meagain 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Im sorry to break it to you but from the sounds of things he isn't mature and isn't ready to be a parent unfortunetly the child is already in the picture. I don't this it's right or fair for him to say that he would choose his freedom over your relationship if it weren't for the kid. Because it makes it seem as if he feels trapped and what happens when you cage an animal soon they will lash out and break free. He doesn't seemt o want a relationship and out of self love you shouldn't accept this I am sure you love him let him be a father to your child but you have to let the relationship die. For you sanity go and find someone who is ready to give you what you need Good Luck.
2007-08-24 09:22:18 · answer #7 · answered by passionquill 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Life didn't push him into this. He made the choice to have sex and now he has a baby on the way. He is 27 and has had plenty of time to grow up. If he is still wanting other women then more than likely he will do just that after he gets bored with you and the baby. He is a jerk and you would be better off being a single mother. Find someone who will treat you with respect and who actually wants a family. You will be miserable if you stay with him. Why would you even want to be with him in the first place if he is telling you he wants sexual experiences with people other than you?!
2007-08-24 08:42:29 · answer #8 · answered by logan28 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
There are no such things as "unplanned" pregnancies. If you CHOOSE to have sex and don't use birth control you are CHOOSING all of the consequences that come with having sex and one of those consequences is pregnancy. If you wanted marriage and family you shouldn't have CHOSEN to have sex with this man. No this can't have a "happy ending" because you are trying to force YOUR fantasy onto this man who doesn't WANT your fantasy. You CHOSE to put yourself in the position of being a single mom and have no right to expect him to conform to YOUR fantasy. Obviously your chronolgical age has nothing to do with your maturity because you are FAR from being a mature adult. You need to grow up and fast woman because you could be raising this child by yourself very soon. I suggest you stop being so desperate to have "happily ever after" and start living in the real world.
2007-08-24 12:24:38 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Forcing anyone to live a certain way can only lead to disaster, but I am very glad you didnt have an abortion!
Is adoption an option? There are thousands of couple out there that cannot have babies.
The only other choice I see, is you becoming a single mom, and settle for financial and emotional support from your boyfriend, but if you force him to stay at home with you, your just asking for alot of headaches.
Probly not the answers you wanted
2007-08-24 08:43:08 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can not see this working he was not ready to settle down and you will end up a single Mom why he is out getting another woman in the same situation. He has come clean right up front and once the baby does arrive it will get worse I would say to let him go do his own thing just to bad you didn't know this before you got pregnant
2007-08-24 08:47:53 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋