I've done this before, and have always appreciated the feedback I get from users of this site. I am a bit of an amatuer poet, as I have never taken real courses in it, and I simply write to relieve stress. Anyways I wrote this for the girl the other day, and I am just wanting some feedback. All forms of criticism are encouraged and appreciated.
here you go,
If I slept for a year,
would you come nap here beside me?
If I slept for ten years,
would you watch over me?
If I slept for one-hundred years,
would you defend me in my absence?
If I slept for a thousand years,
would you remember me?
and if I slept beside you just tonight,
would you dream of me,
like I dream of you
every night?
2007-08-24 08:17:35 · 10 answers · asked by Kevin P 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Other than the poem's hyperbole, I like it. I'd suggest, however, you change the last two lines, which appear weak and awkward to me. How about replacing the last two lines with, "as I dream of you"? The reason I suggest this is that ending it with "every night" is too prosy for such a nice poem. Also, "nap" is too trite a word for that second line...how about changing the second line to read: "Would you lay beside me"? You still get the escalation with time, but it's shorter and more poetic than "nap".
keep writing
2007-08-26 12:01:02 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well, that is in fact a fantastic poem. It uses repetition to make a great rhythm, but I think that you can get rid of a few extra words. For example, the "here" in line two is not necessary. Otherwise, I like it. I'm not sure I truly like the topic, which is sleeping for a long time, but I do like the poem. It truly gets it's point across.
2007-08-24 08:27:35 · answer #2 · answered by loser 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've taken poetry classes, and I've always wondered why they use the poems that they do for examples of good free verse poetry and not something like that... In my oppinion, it is better than a lot of the published stuff mainly because it feels like its trying to be something honest instead of feeling like its trying to be something great. (and ends up being both... assuming it is honest)
The repitition is really good too. And visually, it looks good on the page.
I might suggest changing it to "a hundred years" instead of one-hundred years
2007-08-24 08:39:40 · answer #3 · answered by Ozymandius 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's good and I can also see it the other way.
exp. If you slept for a year
I would nap beside you
If you slept for ten years
I would watch over you etc.....
I can see you are in love......good luck
2007-08-24 08:34:14 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
honestly coming from a expert poet, it sounds somewhat compelled. Do you think of that is compelled? honestly that is an exceedingly reliable first attempt. you have the skill to place your emotions obtainable. yet is does have stretched throughout it. you in basic terms could desire to permit the words pass. do no longer make something pop out. in case you do this is going to look as though a pen exploded throughout your website. and ... EDIT EDIT EDIT my expensive. the main to a reliable poem is assorted copies.
2016-10-16 21:36:08 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
....... Who sleeps for a thousand years? And who lives for that long?? I mean it's like... The answers to your questions are just, 'duh', in reality... Lol. I mean it make you look kinda dumb....
No offense, but it makes you sound kind of weak... Like you can't take care of herself, you need your crush or whatever to do it for you.
I like the last part, though. "and if I slept beside you just tonight, would you dream of me, like I dream of you, every night?" Except I think it would be better if you left out the 'just', in "...just tonight..." And the 'and', as well. Plus keep 'every night' and 'you', in the same line. There's no reason to separate them...
And ya know... I never took any classes, or was given any assignments to help me improve 'n learn. I wrote because my feelings 'n my desire 'n need to express myself. Just like you. And now I've been a published poet for 2 years. 'n 2 years is how long I've been writing...
So I hope that tell you something.
2007-08-24 12:04:49 · answer #6 · answered by Twili 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Very nice poem. I really like the sediment that it sends to a reader like me.
2007-08-24 12:34:35 · answer #7 · answered by Anthony M 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm not an expert in Poetry but I think you're pretty good, a bit "suggestive" but very good!
2007-08-24 08:22:01 · answer #8 · answered by donkeyscommand 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Very nice!!
I think you did an outstanding job at transferring your thoughts onto paper and it makes a lot of sense.
Keep up the good work!!
2007-08-24 08:25:22 · answer #9 · answered by deiracefan_219 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You tried to use the element of parallelism and contrast. And you used it wrongly.
2007-08-31 03:56:16 · answer #10 · answered by Japhet 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋