Is it bad to go and check up on your partners e-mail, my space or personal things?

Question

I'm one of those persons who thinks you should respect your partner & there property but what happens when you get married is all boundries lost.

I remember passwords so easy but I never used them to check up on things until... Things started going down hill in the trust department. He would accuse me of cheating by checking phone statement calling every number that was not familier, checking e-mails & other accounts and my drawers my pursue. It was so extreme I had to put a stop to it by getting even and doing the same to him he sweard he had nothing to hide.

It was true for a while then I found out he was talking to other girls thru e-mail. I confronted him said he has never meet them and was not planning to. Then he got upset and wanted to leave me I said go ahead i'm not going to be played like a fool. (Never left) but now a year later just out of curiosity I checked his account and he was chating w/someone(not sure if girl or guy) Should I be alarmed or let it go?

Answer 1

He seems like a liar and obviosly like someone who's hiding something. Confront him about it. And you are right you shouldnt let him play you like a fool.

Answer 2

Frankly, I'm surprised you're still with him, and haven't left long ago. When trust is broken in a close relationship, it is very difficult to recover. You ask if your checking up on his email, my space and personal things is "bad".

In an ideal world, yes, of course it is, because it shows you don't trust him. But then, why would you? Given your experience of his lack of trust in you - making accusations that you were cheating (I assume you weren't?) and checking phone statements, calling numbers he didn't recognise to find out who you'd been talking to - it's not surprising that you in turn started to be suspicious of him. Suspicion breeds suspicion, and it must have hurt that he thought you might be cheating (again, assuming it was a charge without foundation).

It's fairly common for someone cheating to accuse their partner of the very thing they're doing themselves. It's an attempt to deflect your attention from his behaviour and get you to focus on justifying and defending your own. He threatens to leave, but it's an empty threat - he's still with you.

This man is a manipulator, a liar and a cheat, and you'd be much better off without him. Do you really want to spend more of your life with a man you can't trust?

wimsey

Answer 3

You both have a lot of growing up to do. Why would you think that once you are married you can go through each other personal things. That is why it is presonal. TRUST TRUST TRUST without it there is nothing no love respect nothing. Work on the two of you and not worry about what is going on else where. Make him want to be with you. Take time for h im and for the both of you

Answer 4

He is projecting his OWN guilt on to you. If he can find something that "proves" YOU are cheating, then he is justified in his mind for his actions. You, on the other hand, have been faithful and had no reason to even think along those lines!!!

Now - the only reason you should be "checking up" on him is to collect evidence for the lawyers. You already KNOW he is cheating. Come on. You know it in your heart-of-hearts.... and do you really want to be with a man who is accusatory of you in order to cover his own cheating actions?

Yes... be alarmed... it is time to cut the cord. Tell him, if these emails are so innocent, then he won't mind sharing them with you... that he won't mind giving you full access not only to his incoming emails, but his outgoing emails as well. Tell him YOU are willing to live your life like an open book... and he can do the same with your emails, phone calls, drawers.... but that it goes both ways and you get to do the same searches....

But do you really want to live in a relationship that consists of "checking" each other?

Answer 5

Let him go. The fact that you checked is a red flag that the trust is gone from both sides. The fact that he was doing what you originally suspected proves this. He tried to keep it a secret too.

I had this problem back in my dating days with an ex-boyfriend who was calling, emailing, writing other women "just for fun" and it doesn't go away. Talking leads to meeting which leads to cheating. Maybe not today, but down the line. And keeping it a secret just adds to his thrill. Find someone who inspires your confidence.

Answer 6

There is nothing wrong with checking your partners e-mail, my space, or personal things. First and foremost there should be trust and if there is not any trust that is another story in itself, second if there is nothing to hide then either partner should not care if the other partner is looking.

Why would he go so drastic as to wanting to leave you for just looking. There is more there and I would continue checking. Like you said yourself, "I'm not going to be played like a fool."

Answer 7

Install a web watcher or key logger and find out exactly who he is talking to and what he is saying. As his wife you have every right to know what he is saying to other women.

If he is speaking inappropriately to them, it is called 'On line infidelity. It can also lead to cyber sex, which is 'On line adultery'. People are coming right into other people's homes via the Internet right under the spouses nose most times and committing these sins. It can also lead to physical adultery.

You can go on line to 'On line infidelity' there is a wealth of info on the subject. Even reasons why people engage in this kind of cheating.

Also go on line to 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' some interesting reading there too.

Be careful of women in foreign countries who also extract money from cheating spouses. They go with the guise they are so poor and get sympathy money, also they take money to do bad things over the Internet.

This kind of cheating is going on all over the world at this very moment, ruining marriage after marriage.

Don't sit there with your eyes shut, cheaters usually don't tell on themselves. Become the detective and find out every thing. Even his where abouts on a daily basis, bank accounts, phone records, emails, IM's, chat rooms, my space.....leave no stone unturned.

Internet affairs as well as physical affairs are grounds for divorce.

Answer 8

you know, it's amazing on how many married partners never bother to have this one discussion. what is considered cheating to each other? you'd be surprised how many married couples have a different view.
with a lot of men, looking at porn, flirting with female co-workers, calling females at all hours of the night, texting females at all hours of the night and asking them if they can touch another woman's boobs are not cheating. not telling the wife about inappropriate behavior, letters or phone calls is not cheating to them. hiding e-mails from single females is not cheating to them. not looking at an online message sbecause your wife is watching your computer screen behind you is not cheating to alot of men.
as a woman, anything you cannot do while your spouse is standing right next to you can be considered cheating. anything that you feel the need to hide because you feel it would upset your spouse is cheating and very disrespectful.

Answer 9

I would print them out and not let on that you were checking them. After a month if you can send the person he's chatting to a email saying that you want to meet them but let on that you are him. go meet them and then show them a picture of you and your hubby together. Better yet get a male friend to meet her and ask him not to shave and be all sweaty, with dirty clothes on and be real forward--I don't think she will be emailing him anymore. Lol

Answer 10

seems like you should probably confront him about it... although, he does seem like he has a pattern of lying to you, so he could just as easily lie again. maybe you are just better off alone.... without him. chances are, if he's chatting with women on e-mails, there is probably something more going on or at least the potential to be something else. he shouldn't need to chat with other women... that's cheating, even if he didn't actually meet them or have sex with them. he's having a secret relationship with them behind your back. if he hasn't already, he will cheat

Answer 11

I would continue to just check up him to be on the safe side. If he has a history of being dishonest then keep checking his stuff. However I also suggest getting some marriage counseling because of your trust issues.