Please tell me ... Am I just an idiot?

Question

OK ... in a nutshell: Been dating a guy - several years. We had a LOT of problems in the past -- engaged at the time -- and got back together about 1 1/2 years ago. I knew then that he had a lot of financial problems. [One of the reasons we split up]. He then got an apt. nearby and a decent job - which I required of him - and had been on the path to regaining my trust and saving our relationship. When his 1 yr. lease was up, he AGAIN moved in with me [since he was never at his apt. anyway] and was to pay me AT LEAST half the rent. I had been paying for all bills on my own - even though he stayed with me. With him, Its been 1 struggled step forward and he winds up 3 steps back. I have been helping him at every turn - even putting a small debt onto my cc @ 0%. Now he owes me 2 mos. of 1/2 rent, along w/other money I have lent him. And today he's gotta put $450 toward truck repair. I tell him that something must be done. He's upset with his finances but makes no changes.

Answer 1

You're not an idiot, you're a person who tries to see the good in people, however, in this case, I think you need to say enough is enough.

I like the deadline answer. If he doesn't like his finances, tell him to go to a class to learn about finances, they have them everywhere, and most banks offer them for free.

Beyond that, no more free rent, either he pays, or he leaves, simple as that.

Don't take over his finances, even if he asks you too, you're dating him, not his parent, he has to have some level of financial responsibility.

Makes me wonder though, who was doing this for him when he had his own apartment?

Answer 2

why are you trying to save this guy? It sounds like you got your life together why are you settling. You said that "he got an apt near-by and a decent job, which I required of him" shouldn't he require that of himself, why should you have to be monitoring him to make sure that he does what he knows he needs to do, then your paying all the bills he can't even come up with half of what he's suppose to, and he's upset with his finances, the finances just didn't appear out of thin air
It doesn't sound as if this guy wants to make things work, it actually sounds like he want you to do all the work while he pretends that he's concerned listen, ask your self this question, would you be whole without him arround? would you be struggling if he wasn't in the picture? my advise to you is kick this guy out and make sure it's garbage day when you do.

I'd wish you good luck, but all you really need is something that you already have, a really big garbage can.

Answer 3

The short answer is no. You're not just an idiot. At least you recognize there's a problem.
The truth is, you will always be supporting this guy. He will always be broke, always in debt, always relying on you to bail him out.
A man should be your strength. He should give you a sense of safety and security. He should be your shelter from the storm. Instead, he's relying on you to be the solid ground. Everywhere he steps is quicksand. You're sheltering him.
This will not get better. He may find a good job. He may get his own place. But any success will be temporary. He will slip backwards repeatedly. THAT is his lifestyle. Stability for him is an isolated incident, often repeated, but never maintained.
You are not "just an idiot". But you will be if you stay with this guy. Not only will he be constantly slipping into the pit, if you tie yourself to him, he'll be dragging you down with him.

Answer 4

Give him a one month deadline. And then boot him, and end the relationship. If you keep enabling him, he's going to keep doing it.

I mean, think about it. Last year when he was paying for his own apartment, did he have all these money problems? This year, he's NOT paying that... so where is the money going?

I do have some sympathy for him, having been too dependent on my partner in the past. But I work hard to stay independent, and so should he.

Answer 5

First of all, your "Mister Wonderful" (no sarcasm intended, I promise) is Financially Immature. He may be a great person otherwise, but was obviously never taught fiscal responsibility. I would suggest counselling...credit counselling obviously, but also professional counselling would be a tremendous help for you both. He needs to realize that his lack of fiscal responsibility is causing irreparable damage to your relationship.

If you can't find a credit counsellor, get out your local phone book and start calling around to see if you can locate a good money management business in your area.

Finally, be supportive without making yourself responsible. Move him out. Disassociate yourself from his debt and do not make any loans, money gifts, etc. to him. Let him know that you are willing to help him get help, but that it won't be you providing that help. Enabling him will not help.

Answer 6

Oh girl you need to cut this guy off... He is making a mess of your life. Honestly he will keep finding ways to take your money and use you. Not a good situation . Some people need to fall down to learn how to get back up. If you can take care of your finances, so can he!!! You not by any means an idiot, just loving and caring.....

Answer 7

He has it made: a woman who gives him money, place to live, food, washes his clothes, and sex without a commitment. You need to kick him out and find a BETTER guy this time, DO not be desperate, wait for a GOOD guy. Date, get engaged, married, then move in together. IF you do not change, you will repeat the same thing with another guy. Look for guys in good places,

Answer 8

There is a finite difference between helping someone out and enabling them to continue bad habits. I think you've crossed the line.

If he was working to make changes instead of doing the same stuff over and over, I would applaud you for standing by your man and helping him in rough times.

However, sounds like the more you help, the more he stops taking care of stuff on his own. Time to draw your line and potentially cut our losses. Set deadlines for the money he owes you to be repaid - and most importantly - stick to them - even if that means sayign good bye.

Answer 9

He is a hopeless financial looser. If you really want him then put up with that. Maybe if he brings his check home and lets you cash it and make the proper deposits in your account. Might be the only way. Lots of men cannot manage money and the wife does that... Talk it over-- other wise the boot...

Answer 10

Move on! he's doing just enough to suck you back in! Either that or INSIST on him handing over his paycheck each week and you pay all the bills with the combined income and give him an allowance you think is fair! DO NOT allow him access to the accounts or credit cards until he goes in for financial counselling!