Can we become sexually incompatible after 26 years and 5 kids? Or is it continued vigilance and patience?

Question

Having been simultaneously orgasmic in our earlier years, it is not without frustration that I find our sex life dwindle to that of feeling like I am the only one in the room when and if things happen. Her ambivalence, lack of apparent desire, and "muteness" in bed are very hurtful to this diehard romantic.

While she may think I am obsessed, that would only be in evidence if I asked more than once a week and I back off when I get refused. I have exhausted my patience at times when we went three months without nearly a touch, going ahead and "having my way" with her "accomodation" of my needs.

We've been thru two couples therapists over the last 10 years, about two years each. Great kids, all different but successful 13-23, but not without typical stressors. We get high marks for family success and "Great kids". I am now in individual therapy to learn ways of coping and possibly regenerating her interest and not straying.

What other coping mechanisms or leverage can be used?

Yes, leverage was a poor word choice. She has great difficulty even talking about the subject, and admits to a lack of desire attributable to having had five kids (desensitized passage) and now menopause, but her menopause has gone on for about 6 years or so as far as when she first mentioned it. Her woman physician tells her all is normal, but I have a hard time believing the fact that it's effect on our relationship wouldn't be a motivating factor for further investigation of physiological symptoms.

Feel free to email me for a continuing dialog. This question's going to fall way down on the list before too long. I went to individual counseling for the need to talk with someone. As with all situations, it can't be fully analyzed in a few Q&As. I just need a sympathetic and advisory angel on my shoulder. Thanks for all the input. It's a shame the "bots" can't be filtered out...

To answer the question of age in "peri" answer, we are only three weeks apart in age both now being 52.

Answer 1

Have you tried actually talking with your wife or are you the silent type who patiently waits for "whatever is wrong with her" to work itself out? Does "hopeless romantic" mean sex when you want it or are you considerate of her the rest of the time away from the bedroom? There is a reason for her lack of desire and until you get to whatever the issue is, your life will basically continue as it is. She may not be comfortable sharing what the issue is with a therapist but would possibly share it with you if you acted kind and genuinely interested in what's bothering her.

Don't pressure her and get the word "leverage" out of your vocabulary if you ever expect to win her again. That indicates the use of advantage of one kind or another to force her into what you want. Not very considerate.

Now, on the flip side, she may be suffering from a chemical imbalance that commonly comes on about the time of menopause. It can start as early as 40 and truly wreak havoc with your life. BTDT Suggest an appt with the Dr. to have a simple blood panel done to see where her hormone levels are and check other things like thyroid. She may be slightly depressed and that can easily be helped. Be careful about how you approach this as you could end up being the big, bad wolf if you do it wrong. Don't say you think there's something wrong with her, say you're concerned and would hope she'd go in for a basic check up and blood test. Drop the issue of sex until this is resolved, it only puts extra pressure on her.

Answer 2

Have you ever asked her why she feels the way she does? She may not want to admit to losing interest in sex and that may be what is bothering her the most. She could also feel like you are only wanting sex and nothing else from the relationship. I know you've been married 26 yrs with 5 kids and have been very successful it just may mean she wants to be the one to make decisions or just to do something else other than having sex. She has become a machine and only when she feelsshe hassomething to give will she let that wall down and enjoy herself as much as you do.

Give her time, a little space and let her deal with the feelings she has inside so that she can let you know what the real issue is, because it is not you.

Answer 3

If you have been to therapy and have no idea what is going on in her head, then you should get your money back.

Or are there things you are not saying.

My wife can be resistant to sex if we have not had some close contact, romantic times during the week. Kind of like I need to treat her as though we are single. Now, that might have nothing to do with you. I am just saying you need to find out. Is it possible she is depressed (feeling old, overweight, stress, etc.)?

Answer 4

You're taking all of the right steps but you need to be able to have her engage in the discussion too. If she isn't willing to understand and appreciate your needs you've got a problem. Has she seen and spoken to her general physician or gynecologist about her lack of sexual interest? Have you tried romancing her without the expectation of sex? For women, age and hormones play a big role in women's sexuality, especially after the childbearing years, and the poor woman is probably exhausted.

Answer 5

If you guys have been to counseling, what was her reasoning, or did she sort of ignore the questions? She had to give a bit of insight on what is wrong. Women's body's don't always keep up with the desires of a man, but at the same time, it sounds like she's reallly turned off. I know that 5 kids would kill anything I had, but also, every blue moon, it would look like she would be in the mood. Kudos to you for staying faithful..

Answer 6

I have yet to be in this situation so i may be wrong but it sounds like you need to remind her of how much she loves you, bring out old pictures of how you used to be to get her to remember or maybe take her to some of the places you used to frequent together when you were younger and possibly before you had kids. Some how you have to draw out her youth again and both of you can go back together, i think everything else will follow naturally (including more interest in sex and her desires for you)


Apparently i am wrong LOL well whatever works....it helps me to know how far we have come and reminisce on where we have been, it might not help everyone....but i tried

Answer 7

Ever heard of perimenopause ? then menopause ? Face it, 26 years of marriage + probably 20 yrs. old when got married, = 46 +- years old. Prime perimenopause age. Hot flashes, irritable, no or much less sex drive. Give her lots space, hormones will smooth out & you can touch her, it varies day to day, so the days she is interested, you better take advantage, because the next day she might shoot you.