Silently I lie in bed awaiting sleep
To slowly creep up on me
As the night dies down and the crickets make their music
I fall asleep and dream a dream of you
Ever so softly you touch my face and softly whisper in my ear
Sweet nothings.
Your touch like a feather on my skin
Making me feel like I have sinned
Soft touches, sweet nothings, dreams of you
Waking up to no one but feeling like I spent the whole night in your arms.
On my skin I could feel your touches and your kisses wondering why and when,
Reading the stone and not forgetting that dreadful day
I had to enscript my love for you and place it upon your grave.
2007-08-24 05:05:33 · 9 answers · asked by Simply Lisa 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
As a first time poet, not bad. You do a few things well, like create images and at least attempt to make your line breaks mean something. However, your line breaks still need work, your use of cliche brings it down as well. It's difficult being a new poet, because what seems like perfectly legitimate phrases are treated as cliche by others...well, that's the way it is. "sweet nothings" is a cliche, period. The best way to tell if what you want to use is a cliche is to think about whether or not the saying means what it says, or means something that makes you feel a certain way...like "sweet nothings". The phrase itself is meaningless, but if you know it means something else, and you know that everyone knows it means something else...it's cliche. Yeah, I know, it's tough, but you need to find new images that you can create without using the ones everyone already knows.
The good news is that you've already done the most difficult thing for a new poet...you posted a poem for critique! So...keep writing, keep posting, and you'll get better with each attempt.
2007-08-27 20:34:54 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This really is a great poem, it is free flowing since there is no specific beat or rhythm.
One thing, in the line
"Ever so softly you touch my face and softly whisper in my ear"- the way you repeat the word softly could be a bit different. Just take out the second softly and I think it would sound great. However, this is your poem so if you like it the way it is then thats all you.
I love the ending, it caught me. It can get alot of people to relate that have lost their loved one and maybe give them a brief time to reconnect with that feeling.
All in all. I think you have alot of potential.
2007-08-24 12:16:50 · answer #2 · answered by rosey459 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As your 1st poem, not bad. As a poem, not brilliant. 'Sweet nothings', is quite over used. And to tell ya truth, my mind always goes back to that song... "What I like about you"...? I think that's what it's called.
But anyways... I've never been crazy for the words, 'sin' or 'sinned', I'm not a religious or religion person, so to hear that... It's a real turn off... And you kinda mentioned 'touches', a bit much.
I mean "On my skin I could feel your touches and your kisses..." "Soft touches, sweet nothings..." "Your touch like a feather on my skin." "Ever so softly you touch my face and whisper in my ear..."
To tell you truth, that made it a bit boring. Just hearing the same thing over 'n over again. And, just a little suggestion, instead of, "...creep up on me" try, 'embrace me'. (Or something like that, 'cause sleep creeping up on a person just seems a little weird to me. Naturally my mind goes to a person creeping up, a not something a sweet 'n simple as sleep. Sleeps a brilliant thing! Lol.
I liked where you were going, though. I liked the message you making, stating, the message you got across... But like I said, this poem could still use a little touching up. (Not trying to be mean, just giving out some advice.)
Luck.
2007-08-25 19:24:14 · answer #3 · answered by Twili 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Always copyright your work before you publicize it. People will claim your writing and make it into a lyric for a song, while you seek critique. Protect your work BEFORE you make it public. You're a creative writer. The poem is touching. Use more active verbs and sensory details when you can; but, again, protect before public; copyright before critique!!.
2007-08-24 13:37:10 · answer #4 · answered by Instr. Y. 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it a lot!
Change the sweet nothings to something else though. Sweet nothings is over used and unoriginal.
2007-08-24 12:20:26 · answer #5 · answered by gardedms 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Very heartfelt. If you didn't use a personal feeling to write this, you did well enough to make me believe you did. Very well written. Especially for your first!
2007-08-24 12:16:23 · answer #6 · answered by pdidit 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like its coming from you so i like it. Very poetic indeed. i would give it 3 and a half stars. Excellent for a beginner.
2007-08-24 12:13:19 · answer #7 · answered by Emmanuel B 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Good job! I think you showed how you feel and that it is beautiful. Keep writing!
2007-08-24 12:14:33 · answer #8 · answered by kellybellybeans 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
its good....i like it
2007-08-24 12:14:13 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋