Husband took a job in another country and doesn't ask me to join him?

Question

My husband left his job here,and took a job that is situated in an entirely different continent.This he did without ever consulting me.He said he was doing this for us,since the pay really is great.We dont have kids,and he doesn't seem interested to have any.He pays us(his family here) a visit every three months.He hasn't offered me to join him there and seems very confused about it.He keeps saying that it is a very boring place,and that i'd be miserable there.He is the workacoholic type,and calls me once in three days.And when he is here,he is always busy with his computer games.I feel hurt and apprehensive that he will be ignoring me there too,so i dont insist on going there,even for a visit.I have a job here,and stay with my parents,so he does not pay for my expenses.Now I desperately want a child,but he gives me all sorts of lame excuses not to go for one.What should I do?

Answer 1

I think he may have a "little something" on the side. All of what you say add up to cheating. I definitely would not bring a child into this world with him at this point in time...that would make things a lot worse! Good luck!

Answer 2

Hi DW....Doesn't sound good to me...I'm thinking he's found another and he's just not telling. It's funny that there are so many 'good job's' available. Now I'm not sure where you live, I live in the states and there are quite a few good paying jobs here if one knows where to look. My daughter for instance found a job out of town paying good money but it's not out of the country. I think this is just an excuse for your husband. Why? Ok let's look at this realistically. First of all you had mentioned that he took a job in a different country...this tells me that he wanted to get as far as he could away from you or others. Secondly, he only comes to visit every three months, don't you think that's rather odd? Thirdly, he doesn't ask you to join him or influences you to go and just visit, this is a pure sign of 'something is rotten in Denmark'..lol. Fourthly..He only calls you once every three days? Come on now if this isn't a sign I don't know what is! If he loved you as he claims then he would be calling you everyday and every night! This sounds fishy to me. Fifth..He doesn't pay attention to you when he does come home on a visit? This is pathetic. I can see why you are hurt. You need to put your foot down. I would suggest this. Just tell him that you want to live with him in this new environment of his and just see what he says. If he flat refuses for you to go with him then this should be a sign that he is cheating and he doesn't want you to mess up a good thing he has going for himself. He should be paying for your expences while you are living with your parents or at least part of the expences if you are working also. If he doesn't want children, this might be another sign. I would give him the utimate if you can't find another solution. Tell him that you either move with him or he comes back home and find employment or else. He's taking you for granted. If he can't see your point of view or accepts how you feel about your situation then I would definitely ask for a separation, I hate to see any couple divorce but he's not treating you fairly or as a wife. It's your decision. Make it the right one. Take care and I wish you the best.

Answer 3

Hmmm. Let's see, you want to have a child with a man who: ignores you, uses avoidance behaviors, is absent from your life even when he is the same house, is working on a different continent, won't address your serious relationship issues meaningfully.

I guess you've already decided that you don't love this future baby? Because you are trying to have a baby, in your own words, out of DESPERATION. That is selfish and unloving. Completely the wrong reason. Don't do it. Love your future baby enough to wait until your life is happier, healthier and more stable. It could be years, but any child deserves this much, at least. Good parents don't just "go for one." "Go for one" is something you might do for a pet... and having a baby will not fix this relationship, neither will it fix you.

Love yourself and your future possible child enough to get out of this unhealthy relationship. Then, focus on why you married such a man so you won't make the same mistake again. Only after spending the necessary time doing the hard work of honest reflection on this will it be time to consider a new relationship and the possibility of parenthood.

Think like a grown up. That's what a baby truly needs.

Mary S. (Graduate counseling student, USA)

Answer 4

There is some very important info you did not give. Is the country he's in very, very dangerous? I can think of one scenario when I would NOT take my wife. The pay is very good for private contracters in Iraq, driving convoy trucks. I could see someone taking that job for a year to make big money to pay off bills, and no way I'd ever allow my wife to go there. If the country you are talking about is NOT dangerous, then you have a real problem. And BTW, those stupid computer games are causing huge problems for all kinds of people every where. They are as addictive as alcohol, I think. If you are still young (in your 20s,) I'm kind of thinking you need to find someone who wants a real marriage the way you do. You need to make this bozo sit down and talk next time he shows up. Something is very wrong when a guy married less than 5 years doesn't need to be with his wife.


Kent in SD

Answer 5

hi and that i replied on your different question...i'm sorry besides the shown fact that all of it feels like an excuse to me. i won't be able to comprehend and maybe that is by way of fact I honestly have different ideals whilst it comprises a marriage yet whilst 2 human beings get married it is going to be a 50/50 deal no longer a 70/30 or 80/20 yet equivalent. Your husband hasn't been treating you as an equivalent yet a entire stranger and that is what puzzles me. ok so he did no longer like his interest the place he became yet he ought to have reported this 'huge exchange' or suitable until now finding out for himself. he ought to have reported this with you in addition to mght. Leaving you in the back of does no longer have been the moral factor to do until he theory you would be depressed or in threat some way if residing the place he's placed. i think that there is yet another reasoning on his area for certainly one of those exchange. What he had suggested does not point out on why he ignores you whilst he visits. If he has time to play his video games then he has time to spend it with you. This in basic terms does not upload up...i'm sorry. he's not telling you the entire entire reality. What does he spend his funds on if he does not assist you or your loved ones? the place is his funds going? i could be thinking. I desire you success in this. Have a great day!

Answer 6

So far, it has been all lady answers, so here is one from a man's point of view.

First, let me say, most of them are correct in one way or another. I wouldn't even think about changing jobs without discussing this with my wife, let alone move to another country and I expect the same from her. Decisions like this should not be made by one person, unless that person has total disregard for your input.

If he is totally ignoring you (sounds like it) when he returns, this is another tail-tail sign that he has no interest in you, other than an occasional rump in the sack.

I really cannot see a future for the two of you; however, I would confront the guy and ask him to tell you 10 reasons why you should stay with him, other than "LOVE". I bet he cannot come up with more than 3 in two minutes. If something about you being his best friend is not in the top 3 answers, I'd kick him to the curb. If the answers satisfy you, then the "BOTH" of you need a marriage counselor.

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!

Answer 7

This is a very familiar story and I don;t want to scare you but the signs are there. First, he showed how little he respects you when he made the decision to take the job without talking to you. He is withdrawn and secretive and is probably getting more so the longer he is gone. My bet is that he's discouraging you from being with him because he's got someone else. My Ex- did something very familiar and when I found out, he'd been living a double life for over two years, she was 20 years younger than him and he had stolen a great deal money from our jointly owned business so don;t be blind. Either surprise him and see for yourself or divorce and move on to someone that respects and loves you

Answer 8

My sympathy to you, it seems you have a husband only in name and paper. I think you need to run as fast as your legs can take you away from him. I know that every relationship has issues but I see you has an emotionally deprived woman. He may care for you but he does not know what it is to be a husband and meet the needs of a family.

If you have a child for him he will probably not be there for the child also and both you and your child will feel the void. It does not have to be like that. Women do not need millions to be happy. There is a need to be loved, understood, desired and needed. If you continue like this your spirit will be destroyed.

I would say at least try counseling with or without him. If this is truly who he is then you may need to let him go. We are who we are. He may not truly desire or want a wife.

Good luck and don't let life take away your joy.

Answer 9

You should get to the bottom of this before even considering having a child with him. It really sounds like he is leading a double life, and you are letting him. You have no children and you live with your parents, so why on earth don't you insist on living with him? He is your husband. He can't ignore you there any more than he does now can he? A phone call every 3 days and a visit every 3 months doesn't even sound like a good friendship, let alone a marriage.

Answer 10

There are a lot of maybe's here. Maybe he really wants to save money before buying a house and moving you there. And meanwhile maybe he does not want to confess that he will not be able to take care of you until he saves enough money. So he keeps saying that you're not gonna be able to live there while he is working for long hours.
And when he comes for visit you should talk seriously to him. Tell him that he ignores you when he is with you. Any personal entertaintment (like pc games etc) can wait and he can go on to have some fun when he goes back. If he wants to continue to act like a stranger in his own house then you should go on with your own life. Having children may not be a good idea at this stage.

Answer 11

He doesn't really love you. If he did, he would have considered your feelings. I mean how do you accept a job without consulting your wife/husband. What is he doing with the money if you are paying your own expenses. The base for a loving family is not set. Even if a spouse thought you would get bored they would still want to spend time with their mate. I would watch him like a hawk because something is NOT right.