why cant we communicate?

Question

I'm so confused about my marriage, i try to do whatever i can for my husband, he works long hours to support our family. i just don't know how to communicate my feelings very well, whenever things bother me about our relationship i have a hard time talking to him about it. more often than not i feel like I'm part of a debate and losing, my husband is very good at turning anythings i say into something against me. he is aware of this and says he tries not to. i believe he needs to be right in whatever we discuss and i get frustrated because our conversations start out fine then i get the run around until we aren't even on the same subject anymore. in the end i talk to my brother (my best friend in the world) more easily than my husband. i just want to be able to explain myself without causing more argueing. any advice.

thanks for the advice, i think writing a letter to him will be my best bet here. i do try to empathize with his feelings when we talk, and i don't expect to always be right. we are two very stubborn, strong minded individuals so i try to keep the arguing down by bottling up my feelings instead of talking about them (something im trying really hard NOT to do). i understand that is a only a band aid and a poor one at that. we both love each other, we have 3 kids and another on the way, so stress is an everyday thing in our house. BTW, i understand the comment about my husband working less but that's not really feasible, i stay home with our kids because out of a 50hr. week i would bring home roughly $100. after paying for daycare and he would have to work more around the house causing even more stress for him, with his job he is pretty much 24-7 on call.

Answer 1

This book does deal with your specific problem...

I usually don't recommend books because I hate it when people recommend them to me, but I honestly wish I could buy "Love & Respect" for every married (and engaged) person I know. So try and hear me out...

It states that a woman's driving need is to feel loved and when she feels loved she feels happy. A man's driving need is to feel respect and when he feels respected he is happy. When a woman feels unloved she acts out disrespectfully to her husband, and when a man feels disrespected he acts out unloving towards his wife and the crazy cycle begins.

If this is setting off any light bulbs for you read on...

"I wrote this book out of desperation that was turned into inspiration. As a pastor, I counseled married couples and could not solve their problems. The major problem I heard from wives was, "He doesn't love me." Wives are made to love, want to love, and expect love. Many husbands fail to deliver. But as I kept studying Scripture and counseling couples, I finally saw the other half of the equation. Husbands weren't saying it much, but they were thinking, "She doesn't respect me." Husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect. Many wives fail to deliver. The result is that five out of ten marriages land in divorce court (and that includes evangelical Christians).

As I wrestled with the problem, I finally saw a connection: without love from him, she reacts without respect; without respect from her, he reacts without love. Around and around it goes. I call it the Crazy Cycle - marital craziness that has thousands of couples in its grip."

I am not even half-ways through the book and workbook, and while my husband is not studying the material with me it has already worked miracles in my no-longer-failing marriage.

If you do believe in God I highly recommend this biblically based book. It's not a "religious freak" book or anything but it's nice to know that it is based on things in the bible and not just some theory or pop psychology book, and it's been a #1 seller for over 2 years now... it's working for thousands of couples!

Answer 2

I would tell you to actually try listening to the guy, and not only listening but understanding what he is telling you. In turn he should do the same and believe me this takes some real patience.
If both of you are just going on and on at the same time yes you will often feel you are losing the arguement or discussion because you dont understand where he is coming from and his temper flares because he has to repeat himself and yes even twist things (he may not mean to do that i dont think any of us do)This usually where the discussion ends and both of you are unhappy, or vice versa depending on who you feel won the discussion or arguement.

It's good that you are submissive to your husband but it is not good that he does not submit to you in the same way, as everything else is in marriage, communication is a two way street. Respect is given and returned from both sides. Opinions are heard and understood then taken and noted for a final decision not blocked out and certainly not ignored.

Good luck and just remeber that nomatter who wins or who is wrong or right, you both love eachother, so treat eachother as such and nothing less. ;) oh btw, dont listen to people who are harsh on thier own marriages, it will get you into trouble, keep and open mind.

Answer 3

You don't want to cause any more arguing but arguing is exactly what you need to do. Don't back down. Yes will your husband try to twist things in his favor. My husband does the same thing. I love it when he does something wrong and then tries to blame me for it. I call him on it every time. Unless you stand up for yourself he is going to continue to walk all over you and your feelings. It won't be easy but once he sees that you are serious then he will start listening. My husband tends to keep things to himself instead of talking to me I literally have to pick a fight with him to get him to open up. Once he gets it off his chest and we talk things through everything is a lot better. Communication is the key to a successful marriage. Honesty is the next key. You are not being honest with yourself nor your husband by not standing up for what you believe. So please talk to your husband if it causes a little spat then let it at least you will feel better about yourself and you husband will start to realize that your thoughts and opinions do matter. Good luck to the both of you

Answer 4

Write him a letter. He has to read it all the way to the end and can't interrupt you. He then gets your whole thought with out injecting his own. Letters are a very good way of conveying how you really feel and what you really want to say. You can say what you want to with out being intimidated and interrupted by him. Let him read it when you are not around. You could also email him your thoughts. Choose your words carefully.

Answer 5

Try writing your feelings down on paper. Then you are free to express yourself without fear of argument or him speaking over you. Be sure to avoid any blame and stick with "I feel" sentences. For example, "I feel we don't communicate effectively" instead of "I can't talk to you because you always want to turn everything against me". Remember, your goal is to improve your marriage not put him on the defense. It is about "our" problems and not "problems I have because of you". I know it will be hard to do since he seems to like to push your buttons, but you have to be strong in this situation.

Answer 6

Maybe LOWER YOUR EXPENCES so he can spend more time at home? You both may have put too much debt on your plate and the price is your love.

Forget communication he'll never get the point.

Answer 7

Don't bother since he is #1 on the debate team. You have to decide if you can be the wrong person forever. Once you answer that question, it will be clear as what to do.