How do you tell the man you've been married to for 21 years that you want a divorce?

Question

He was a great guy. The only man I had ever dated, got serious with and wanted to have children with.Things have been extraordinarily difficult over the years but we made it through. In 1996 he broke his back, and again in 2001. He is in constant pain now and he is no longer sociable. He hates our kids, doesn't even converse with me unless it can be answered with a yes, no or I dunno. It's come down to 'I love you but I can't live with you anymore'. But how do you say it and not feel like a crumb?

We've been together since 1986. Before we were 'legally' (on paper) married we had already gone through, for better or worse, in sickeness and health. We have been homeless with 4 children, 7 times because of his drinking "problem". I have tried repeatedly over the last few years to talk to him about the way I feel, he just stares at the TV like I'm not even there. When I am ill, he vanishes. I have been thinking of divorce for more than 3 years, this is not something new. I am also in constant pain, several Orthopedic surgeons have said I will be in a wheelchair by the time I am 50. I'm 44 now. With the amount of time he spends with me and the amount of care he gives me, do you really think he'll stick around when I'm in that wheelchair?

Answer 1

I think there is not way to not feel bad but the direct route is probably the best. How about something like "I want a divorce"

Answer 2

You can't say it and not feel guilty. He is ill and has not been able to overcome. BUT he is not the man you married in character anymore. I myself have had 2 back surgeries and gained almost 100 pounds but I have not allowed it to get me down. I coach my kids, I work, I am active and I try to cause my wife an orgasm when ever I can. What more could a wife want? He is not doing any of these so what more reason could you have for wanting someone that wants to live and is just not waiting to die? Good Luck and move on.

Answer 3

For this kind of thing, there is no 'good' way, nor is there a 'good ' time.

Take your time for yourself, think things through. Decide on the key 4 or 5 things you wish to tell him, and then simply do it. Talk with him decently and honestly. Explain that you are available to work things out if he is GOING to put in the effort. But, sadly, without that effort, you are going to divorce him and proudly move on with your life.

Its hard, difficult and painful. Your own interighty and strength will carry you through! Best of luck to you!

Answer 4

Pain can make a person hard to get along with. (my husband was diagnosed a couple years ago with arthritus at the base of his neck..it runs pain down his back to his legs, some days he cannot even walk there are days he is miserable, cant move and on constant pain pills, but I would never consider leaving him..) Get him to go to counselling there are also pain management clinics you might want to look into, or better yet, YOU find a support group to help you deal with the everyday living with a person who lives in pain daily. I understand your frustration, but how can you even think of leaving a man who is hurting, after all, you did make a vow 21 years ago "in sickness and in health", did you not mean that. If he is unsociable or snappy then the man is in real pain. Talk to his doctor, check into options to help him deal with the pain or maybe he needs a support group with others who live in constant pain in their lives.

What if the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel if everyday you got up in pain, went to bed in pain and never ever got relief from it, and he came to you and said he was gonna leave..he couldnt deal with you anymore....

Let me ask you...If he was diagnosed with cancer or another horrible disease and was going through treatment for 5-6 years would you leave him then?? If your answer would be no, then what is the difference the man is hurting, seek help do not leave him.

Answer 5

Talking to your husband about how you feel shoudn't make you feel like a crumb. You need to say it to him just like that "I love you but I can't live with you anymore" and if he acts why then you tell him how he's acting. Then leave the ball in his court to change. Give him a day or so to let it all sink in and see how it goes. While you're giving him time to think you should leave and have no contact with him. I bet he'll miss you and realize how special you are to him.

Answer 6

Sorry to hear this. Maybe you should try counseling or maybe he needs medication to stabilize his serotonin so he can get back to feeling himself. Sounds like maybe he is depressed. Try all your options before getting out of the marriage remember your vows but is is mandatory he stick to his vows as well. Offer help to him especially counseling, if he is not willing to help himself to save your marriage then give him the ultimatum. Tell him.....Get yourself some help with the family support or i want a divorce. Explain to him you can no longer live with him the way he is. Avoid an argument just get your kids & leave if he wants to argue this will give him some time to think alone on what you just told him. He may then need some time alone then maybe he will wake up & want to get help for himself if so be supportive depression is like a disease it cant be helped unless you are willing to help yourself. Medication can cure the issues if this is the case! God bless you & your family. Broken homes are terriable mend the issues if you can, maybe this is just another glich in your marriage. hopefully you can get past it & move on together! Best wishes!!!!!!!

Answer 7

"How do you tell the man you've been married to for 21 years that you want a divorce?"

Simple. You engage your brain, engage your vocal chords, breathe properly, open up your mouth, engage your tongue and say "I want a divorce"

Answer 8

There is no easy way. Just prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Tell him the main reasons your leaving and go from there. You'll gonna get hurt either way, just brace yourself and move forward with your life.

Answer 9

I would tell him that things are not the same as they were and that you grew apart from eachother. i would also let him know that you are NOT leaving for another person, that you are leaving because things can't be worked out...........it'll get worse!!!!!!!!!!!!! kids will also see 2 unhappy people ! don't waste your life, you've tried.............you only have one life! live it Be HAPPY!

Answer 10

Do you think that is a good reason to divorce your husband because i sure don't. So what are you going to do go out and find someone or have you done that already. Shame on you.