I have been dating a German man long-distance for 2 yrs and we see each other very frequently, in Germany, the US, and we travel very often. He is now moving to the US to be with me and we have talked about marriage. Amazing man and the one I love.
However, he has a 5-yr-old child from an ex-girlfriend who got pregnant against his wishes. To him, this child is an accident. He pays child support and plays with his child but he says when we start our own family, we will be the real family he cares for.
This is incredibly difficult for me because I know it is not his mistake that he has this child, it's because of a crazy Ex...but I don't want the child to visit the US often (which he is OK with) and I don't want my future children to meet him. I wish that our children would be his only children. The child lives with the Ex and the father sees him every few weeks. Am I being wrong and selfish here? Or is it normal to react like this in this situation?
2007-08-23 17:29:09 · 23 answers · asked by lemansgts12987 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Um-this child was HERE before you and is his child. I am not sure the "against his wishes" part is true, and you shouldn't be either! He is already a father-do you want him treating your kids like this or some other woman being told they were your mistake? Back off .
2007-08-23 17:37:23 · answer #1 · answered by life coach 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You are being very immature. This man had a relationship in the past and had a child period. The child is a real person with feelings who did not ask to be born either. It is very convenient for this man to say that he never wanted a child but he had two options, not having sex with the woman or covering up during sex, to make sure one wasn't born and he did not take them. As a result there is a warm, feeling, loving child that has every right to know his father. This man could have simply supported the child and never had anything to do with him, that would have made your fantasy easier. However, he sees the child regularly and has been part of his life. Are you sure he isn't just saying what you want to hear, or is even willing to give up his child because of your selfish attitude?
2007-08-23 17:41:32 · answer #2 · answered by mommeof3 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Can I be bold? If the child was against his wishes why didn't he wear a condom? Do not buy that B.S. It's a pretty tale to tell a lady but it does not really buy up to reality now does it.
So set that aside and stop blaming ex-girlfriend.
You are marrying a man with a child. If you do not like what comes with that deal go shopping a bit more and hit a few more dance clubs. If you really dig this guy your going to love everything about him. (Oh yeah.. this would include his offspring.)
Open your arms lady - and take everything - his children, his family, his pupppy dogs that have dander that offends you - his neon beer sign that has been hanging in his dorm room since he was nineteen... whatever, love is about acceptance and until you get that paticular reality down there is not enough bubblegum in the world to keep your relationship together.
2007-08-23 17:52:58 · answer #3 · answered by aullhappy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you and him sound very selfish. How awful for that little boy to have a father like that and a soon to be step-mother as you. How can anyone be so cold towards an innocent child. Can you imagine the emotional scarring this is gonna be for him. If you have children you plan on lying to them about having a brother? How do you know this child really was a mistake? I bet if you two were to break up your children would have been the mistakes to.
2007-08-23 17:42:28 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, but I'd have to say you're in the wrong. Think of that poor child, none of this is his fault. I really wish he had a father who cared more about him. Poor kid. As for your guy, this says a lot about him. I would be horrified if my partner felt and acted that way. He needs to stay in Germany so he can be a father to this child.
How is it all the ex's fault? Did she lie about being on birth control? Do you know that for a fact? Or did they just fail to use protection? If it's the latter, it's still as much his fault as hers. It doesn't really matter though. The kid is here, and he's going to have to spend his life dealing with the fact that his father doesn't really love him.
It might be normal to have these feelings (wishing you were the only mother of his children). It's completely inappropriate to act on these feelings and cut out his own flesh and blood.
2007-08-23 17:37:34 · answer #5 · answered by Priscilla B 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is his fault he's a DAD he should've used protection and not had sex with the woman. Even if you use birth control you still have a possiblity of getting pregnant. He participated so he is equally to blame. You are being selfish. If you can't accept the child you shouldn't marry him and stop wishing it isn't going to change anything. You need to growup before you get married. He may be just as crazy as the ex your only hearing one side of the story. Take more time before you take the plunge
2007-08-23 17:42:48 · answer #6 · answered by Bella 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's usually human to be selfish. You should not marry this man. He has abandoned one child...so why not you or your children later if it turns out you were a mistake too. He chose to have sex with this woman and it resulted in a child. He should care for his child more than anyone. You cannot change the situation except to find a real man who will care for you after you have matured.
2007-08-23 17:39:35 · answer #7 · answered by Thinkaboutit 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is a child, not a dog (not that I would even speak that way of my dog)... grow up, if your guy was THAT against having a child with this woman, there is one guaranteed way to not conceive a child... it's called not having sex with her. If this man can so easily turn his back on his own flesh and blood, I would think long and hard before I had a child of my own with him. It is people like you that make me think that people should have to have some sort of schooling or license to have a child.
2007-08-23 18:32:17 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are being selfish . Your bf made that child and sounds like a crappy father. If you find that attractive and want kids with him one day he may leave you and treat your kids the same way and call them all accidents. As far as you go not wanting your future kids to meet their brother is rather sad and you will be a dysfunctional family.
2007-08-23 17:46:46 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are being wrong and selfish same on you.. this was not the child's fault.. and he needs to treat this child as he would any other child he has. if he was that worry about it he should of used a rubber.. now that its happen he needs to stand up and be the best daddy that child ever has. with an attitude like you 2 have right now is a sad one.. maybe child might be best without him..
2007-08-23 17:40:13 · answer #10 · answered by Kat 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋