help! my 15 year old has a 16 year old boyfriend and he is a bad kid...?

Question

my nephew goes to school at the same highschool and he told me this kid that my daughter is seeing is one of the biggest thugs in school..this kid got sent to the office today and he handed my daughter a pocket knife and told her to hold it in case they search him..i told my daughter she is not allowed to see him any more and she just started screaming and crying saying i was ruining her life and that she hates me..i plan on going to the school tomorrow and telling them about the knife...how would you handle this situation??

he has also been in alot of trouble...he has been kicked out of school many times...

and also i feel that people degrade this kid because his family is poor and their house is a little shack by the school...in a way i want to feel bad for him..

Answer 1

WOW!! I'm so sorry...I always hope that other mom's won't have to go through this ordeal. I went through this with my daughter also, starting at 14, and she is now 19, and a good daughter, and a good judge of character. I, too, thought that I had to forbid her from seeing these 'bad boys', and when I tried to do just that, things got worse; because now she was not only still seeing him, but was sneaking around, lying to me, and doing many bad things, drinking, drugs, and he was getting her into other law-breaking activities. When I found this out...I took my daughter away for a weekend, just me and her; while planning this, I also had this boy's records printed off from the 'net'. I found out a few more things about him, talked to his mom, saw his family life, and made notes. I told my daughter that I did not like her choice in b/f's, but that it wasn't my decision..she had to learn to run her own life. However, I did want her to be completely informed about the guys she chooses to date. I told her all she had to do was listen to me with an open mind, and to really look at the things I was going to give her. I showed her the papers, about him, and told her what his home life was like(not good). I reminded her that you live what you learn, and that abuse is an endless cycle. Then I talked to her while shopping, having lunch, and so on, having her tell me what she know about me from my parents, and her father's home life, and did she want to end up being an abused wife, or worse yet, getting pregnant because HE doesn't want to wear a condom, and having him hurting your child? I am not saying that this WILL happen, but look at the track record. I told her that I know this seems like a lot, but if he would have her hold on to a knife and tell her 'not to tell', what else would he do??
I know that this sounds all cliche and everything, but it really worked for me...isn't it worth giving it a shot? Giving your daughter the benefit of the doubt, and hoping that you taught her well........................??

Just a thought
Momma P

I understand where you are coming from with him being poor and all....but that doesn't make the child. There are many 'poor kids' that are very nice kids, cool, smart a$$es and have many friends that aren't criminals. The same as there are many 'rich kids' that are little a$$holes, and 'bad boys'. The worst part of that is that mommy and daddy have money to 'buy' himout of trouble.

Answer 2

I agree that you should go to the school and tell them about the knife and mention your daughter's relationship with him and that you plan on breaking it off. You don't want this punk to start making stuff up about your daughter or trying to put some false blame on her. If the school administration understands the situation before all that happens, there would be no needles suspicion of your daughter at school.

I don't know what attracted her to this looser to begin with, but its not a good idea for her to continuing seeing this guy. She should realize this guy is trash, and even though it may not be all his fault, there's no reason why she should be running a looser outreach program.

Make sure your daughter knows why you want the relationship cut off, let her know he's no good for her, he could get her in trouble, this guy has no future, etc. There are so many reasons why he is bad news, and she shouldn't have anything to do with him. She's probably going to say she hates you, cries, throws tantrums, but you have to do your job as a parent and realize that although parents need to love their kids, they can't be the kid's buddy, parents have to be the grown ups for their children.

I do however disagree you forbid her from seeing anyone until she is 18. Hopefully her taste in guys will better, but if you refuse her to have a boyfriend until she is 18, that's needless drama and that's too much of an extreme. If she's out with a good guy who will treat her right, that could actually help her and she could loose interest in the trash she was formerly into.

Answer 3

I am scared to death that this will happen when my daughter grows up... She's only 3 now, but I I am a teacher for the Behaviorally Disordered kids at a high school and the idea of them with my daughter is scary!

First of all I would talk to your daughter about this guy. Tell her you want to talk and not yell, but that you are concerned. Ask her to tell you about him. Why does she like him? How does he treat her? Talk to her about the knife too. Tell her what the consequences of having a Knife in school is, I don't know where you are, but at my school it is expulsion and an arrestable offense (regardless of if she is a trouble maker or an honor student). Having a weapon of school grounds is a felony. Then ask her how she thinks this guy feels about her... She may or may not give you an answer, but use this as a time to discuss the fact that if he really cared for her he would not give her a weapon and expose her to criminal activity.

Then you have to tell her that you don't want her to see him. Tell her that you love her and you are worried about her and the choices that she is making. Obviously, when she is out of the house you are not really going to know if she is with him or not, but at least try! If you don't already, get to know her other friends and ask her where she is, who she is with and when she will be home. Talk to her about what to do if she is with someone or in a situation where she feels like she is in trouble (ie with someone who is drunk or doing drugs). Make sure that she knows that if she is somewhere and she is drunk or the person that she is with is drunk that she will not drive or let them drive. Make sure she knows that she can call you at any time and you will not discuss things until the next day, unless of course she wants to. You are the mom and you need to make yourself the go to person if she is in trouble or has a question about something serious.

Answer 4

Well, I've read all the other answers. Most of them are reactionary and want to hang the guy.... Your daughter seems to like the guy. It is somewhat apparent from your post that the kid needs some guidance. Since his parents are not providing that, at least from what I'm understanding, would it hurt to invite him over to your house and get to know him. Ask him about this knife thing. Ask him a lot of questions. You will not keep her from seeing him. It is a noble effort, but I think in the end, youthful determination will prevail. Instead, at least get to know the guy. Talk to your daughter about him. Ultimatums just don't work. They piss off your kid and further alienate them. It makes them not want to confide in you later on..... My suggestion is to meet the guy and talk with them both as adults. They are close to being adults, and this is the time that they get mad if not treated that way. Give them the benefit of the doubt and TALK. Go from there based on what you learn, but don't over react.

Answer 5

Ok, I feel bad for him too. I would do anything to help EXCEPT sacrifice my offspring!

I have a zero tolerance. I would take her to a different school, home school, etc. Once she's pregnant, injured and on drugs, it's a little late.

Yes, I sound dramatic but it IS dramatic. Weapons have already been involved. My brother is in prison because everyone hoped it would go away. It does not, it escalates. He probably had the highest IQ of anyone I've ever met. After 10 years of meth, he's an idiot.

You do whatever is necessary to protect your daughter. There are no do-overs.

Answer 6

#1 Rule in parenting if you don't want your child to see someone don't tell them they Can't see them. They will rebel everytime. My sister always went for the guys my dad said no to just to mess with him. You will need to supervise her and have a talk to her about your concerns but to her by you telling her who she can be with you are controlling her life and to her you are ruining it (even though you are just trying to protect her). Think back to when you were that age, did you like people telling you what you could and couldn't do? If you choose to tell the school about the knife be prepared for the outcome. Zero tolerance could mean your daughter getting a suspension or even expelled because she didn't tell plus your daughter will get upset for you telling. So be prepared for that. Sounds like you may need to find a family councler to help you get through this, boys are so dangerous at that age.

Answer 7

I do not believe in calling kids bad. My be this boy has a bad reputation because of the way he lives. I also think that may be he is calling out for attention. I think you should try to get to know him before you start believing what you hear. Remember never believe what you hear and only half of what you see.

Answer 8

well first of all you wont get anywhere with your daughter i you tell her that she cant see him anymore. My suggestion is to sit her down clamly and try to just talk about how she feels about him and how they are getting along and then say how hes gotten into some trouble before and what she thinks about it and does she think hes still a bad person and just try to let her know tht your scared that he might be using her OR is just not a ggod kid and is immature but try to do tht convo. without like yelling at her but by letting her know tht your her mom and loves her too much to see her get hurt

Answer 9

Just because this kid has a small house not a "shack" doesn't mean hes "poor" and dont be sorry for him cause he doesn't need anyone like you calling him "poor".I'm 15 also and If I were your daughter I would never talk to you If you got my boyfriend expelled, it's the truth about teens.Just talk to her boyfriend or your daughter.

Answer 10

lisa yes i would go too the school too and tell them about the pocket knife that is looking at bad trouble if u ask me gal maybe the police should get involved too might break her heart but she has too learn from her mistakes for sure
Norman