While working out of town, my wife and I were both having affairs. How do I fix this?

Question

While working out of town, my wife and I were both having affairs. We both found out about each others wrong doings about the same time. We fought made up and I quit my job to come home to save our marriage. I moved home to find out she is still talking to the other guy. We are now separated, I tell her that I am willing to do anything to make our relationship work. She says she cant get over what I did to her. What should I do to try to fix this? We were both at fault but she puts all the blame on me.

Answer 1

This does deal with your specific problem a few times throughout its pages...

I usually don't recommend books because I hate it when people recommend them to me, but I honestly wish I could buy "Love & Respect" for every married (and engaged) person I know. So try and hear me out...

It states that a woman's driving need is to feel loved and when she feels loved she feels happy. A man's driving need is to feel respect and when he feels respected he is happy. When a woman feels unloved she acts out disrespectfully to her husband, and when a man feels disrespected he acts out unloving towards his wife and the crazy cycle begins.

If this is setting off any light bulbs for you read on...

"I wrote this book out of desperation that was turned into inspiration. As a pastor, I counseled married couples and could not solve their problems. The major problem I heard from wives was, "He doesn't love me." Wives are made to love, want to love, and expect love. Many husbands fail to deliver. But as I kept studying Scripture and counseling couples, I finally saw the other half of the equation. Husbands weren't saying it much, but they were thinking, "She doesn't respect me." Husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect. Many wives fail to deliver. The result is that five out of ten marriages land in divorce court (and that includes evangelical Christians).

As I wrestled with the problem, I finally saw a connection: without love from him, she reacts without respect; without respect from her, he reacts without love. Around and around it goes. I call it the Crazy Cycle - marital craziness that has thousands of couples in its grip."

I am not even half-ways through the book and workbook, and while my husband is not studying the material with me it has already worked miracles in my no-longer-failing marriage.

If you do believe in God I highly recommend this biblically based book. It's not a "religious freak" book or anything but it's nice to know that it is based on things in the bible and not just some theory or pop psychology book, and it's been a #1 seller for over 2 years now... it's working for thousands of couples!

Answer 2

Get a divorce, you ended your affair to save your marriage, she is using her affair as an excuse. Obviously this is her way of saying-it's over. She just doesn't want to be "branded" the bad guy. Give her what she wants. You loved her enough to realize it was wrong to be with another, you even gave up your job. What more can you do? File for divorce, find a GOOD woman, and don't make the same mistake again. She is just as much to blame, she just doesn't feel as passionate about your marriage as you do. Good luck, and props for making things right, hope you find someone who will love you enough that no other woman would ever have a chance!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

Based on your story, I think it would take more than you can imagine to fix this.

First and foremost, both of you had an affair and that means that both of you has no respect for each other. So what's the point of getting back when you know that you can't trust each other anymore?

Second, your wife doesn't even accept her own fault. So how can you deal with someone who puts all the blame on you when you both now that you did each other wrong?

I don't really know if you can fix this, i hope you can...but let's be real...

Answer 4

This relationship is toxic and you are both children. Leave the negetivity behind and move on. You gave up everything to try and mend it and shes STILL? 'talking' the the guy?? crock of ****.
Leave her now, don't waste any more energy and time on her. Quitting job when neither of your hearts were in the marriage was a huge mistake, try to get your job back. ANd kick her out so she can talk to the other gguy all she wants.

Answer 5

That was funny..she is full of carp. Anyhow, that is a mess. You might try looking up borderline personality disorders....find the answers to how to get her back in that symptom list. They always place blame and accept none. Why do you want to go back to a place that made you feel like you needed to be with someone else. Obviously both of you weren't happy. My husband could leave for years if he HAD to and I wouldn't think of being with anyone else.

Answer 6

It takes two to save a marriage. If both of you want to get through this, it is going to take alot of communication to earn back each other's trust. You need to figure out what caused both of you to be disconnected from the marriage besides just the distance away. A marriage counselor may help.

You can't do it by yourself. Each of you have to admit your contributions to the break down of your marriage.

You both have to get real and want it to work.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Time to face reality, your marriage is over, get a lawyer, file for a divorce and move on. You may want to consider even trying to get your old job back. Put as much space between your soon to be ex and you are possible. If you don't act she soon will.

Answer 8

She is stupid and self centered. You are basically weak. I don't know if there is hope for your marraige. I suggest you work on yourself. Get stronger; be a better man. Your wife has sort of told you what her plans are. You can't make her be a better person or admit her faults. She has to come to that herself. If she is not willing, you have to work on you and let her go her way. Sorry.

Good luck.

Answer 9

From the sounds of it, there are too many issue's to repair. If she isn't willing to accept her part in the situation now, then she more than likely never will. Which means that any future relationship will be strained at best. Maybe its time to count your losses and move on.

Answer 10

I say "serious counseling" Sounds like you BOTH need to take responsibility for the demise of the relationship
and BOTH need to work toward forgiveness... It may be hard to stop pointing the finger at each other... an objective person may be able to help you guys to do that.
Good Luck.. it will be a hard road ahead.... but people do survive this if they are determined.