Please read my poem... I wrote it yesterday?

Question

Leaps of Faith

Loneliness is here
It hangs outside my door
Leaving me with feelings
I don't want anymore,

Walking to where I'm alone
I'm no longer at ease
Controlled by these emotions
As if I am diseased,

Contorted and deserted
The void becomes deeper
The emptyness is there
Left to become weaker,

Trying to fight back tears
They glisten with pain
Listening to the night
Tears leaving a stain,

Wishing for a cure
Wanting to ease the hurt
Hoping this won't last
Feelings left to sort,

Now I run to end it
My struggle that holds me here
Have to rid me of this disease
That holds me so ever near,

A lep of faith is taken
The last moments are closing in
Hitting the earth with silence
The hurt no longer sinks in...

Answer 1

As I have said before - you have great talent and u should put your sadness into ur poetry it will releive the depression u are suffering. but i feel u should look to the positive and start writing about other happy things also switching ur energy to the positive might relieve ur depression. very good. i like ur writing alot. now give me something happy - look beyound ur circumstances of now and give me something of days that where happier. I know u can do it because u have a leap of faith inside of you.

Answer 2

Your meter is off, so are your beats. There are some forced rhymes, some half rhymes and as Ronnie pointed out, your last pair was disappointing...a cop-out. Also, it's "leap" of faith :)

Here's the thing...I can tell by some of your other lines that you "can" do better. The one recommendation I can offer that I guarantee will improve not only this poem, but your future poems, is to have someone read them to you out loud, just as you wrote them. You can read them over and over in your head, and maybe even out loud, but you'll miss the way they appear to others unless you actually "hear" the way others read them. Once you hear how forced some of the lines sound, or see someone falter as they try to read the line, you'll know exactly where to work on your poem.

you have a good ear...just use it :)

..and keep writing

Answer 3

Its good. we've already established that.

I like how much emotion you are putting out there.
I might go a "little" deeper into the decent and then end on your last two lines. Good but could be better.

Keep writing


oh and by the way are you feeling down or are you writing a feeling form the outside to re;eave frustration.

Answer 4

This is a really good poem. The simple meter allows the reader to experience the stark reality of your emotion, as does the simple language. The only rhyme I had a problem with was hurt and sort, but no biggie - your poem really touched me; keep the faith and keep writing.

Answer 5

There are some meter issues, but what really stands out is the rhyming. You have too many near rhymes, and your last rhyme is totally disappointing. Overall, it's not bad, but if you paid attention to details, it would be better.

Answer 6

Its a good poem, sad as most of your poems are, but still good. Just remember that your not the only one with problems and deppression there are others with problems just as big as yours even if its not the same type.just know your not alone.
Things could be a lot worse.
Luv ya!Keep Writting!

Answer 7

aah yes, a very well-written poem that really makes a person think. It delivers a dark message that well explains the tangled thickets of an emotional jungle of which we are all familiar.

Answer 8

I really like this sweetie!
You are portraying total hurt and as the reader, i can feel it as if it were me...

Very good and wonderful talent

Answer 9

i've got self assurance unhappy. it variety of feels to me he could no longer undergo to computer screen her dance so loose. Or became into she? have been his palms grimy (responsible)? Dandelions are seen weeds here, however I akin to them.

Answer 10

I really liked it. I especially like the first two lines. They struck me and got me interested. Good job :).