Men and women: Practicing polygamy?

Question

What do you think of polygamy if it was an equal right for men and women to practice and all parties involved participated out of free choice (of course the definition of free choice is debatable but let's not get hung up on that). Please try to answer without references to religious beliefs.

Why would you for it and why would you be against it?

Answer 1

I would hesitate to recommend it because I've spent my life studying the psychology of human beings and their reactions to the profound questions such as this one. I've also participated in communal families, which were the rage in the 1970s and 1980s. While I did not share another's woman or have one of my own at those times, I lived with others who did share, and without exception, while it started out as a great and exciting adventure, it eventually went south. Despite all the rant about equality and the evils of possessiveness, people paired off and began to exhibit the typical possessiveness and jealousies of less adventurous people. Each and every one of those groups, called "communes", eventually collapsed and the members went their separate ways. Some of them were replaced for a time with "cooperatives" in which members shared everything except sexual partners, but they also foundered on topics such as leadership and fair distribution of responsibility and rewards. The closest you'll see to working cooperatives today are in groups like the Amish enclaves or the Amana colony in Iowa. In my experience, successful plural marriages are exceptionally rare...and that includes those gated communities in Salt Lake City that local authorities turn a blind eye to, despite such marriages being illegal in Utah.

Answer 2

All parties being consensual? Go for it.

Personally I'm a monogamist at heart because I find it difficult to connect deeply with more that one person at a time. I think it would be exhausting to try to get to know multiple individuals on a deep level and also difficult to accommodate multiple people's needs at the same time. I think eventually someone would suffer. Even in the most harmonious of monogamous relationships not all relationship needs are met sufficiently at all times due to life demands, and I would think that in polygamous relationships this strain would be magnified. Then again, I suppose multiple people would be able to attend to the task of satisfying different needs.

Not for me, but to each their own.

Answer 3

Hmm. Yah, I'd definitely be interested in it if I was married. Maybe. Eventually. Just to keep things interesting, you know? And to have the chance to try new things with someone you trust (your husband). And I think two people who are mature about their relationship and know they want to be together no matter what - like they need each other, need to talk to each other and hear each other and be with each other every day, value the other's opinions and mind, and, you know, LOVE each other - can make more than one sex partner work in a marriage.

So I guess I wouldn't so much want the whole polygamy thing as maybe just ... swinging.

But it's still sort of weird to think about. It reminds me of the psychological issues surrounding sex and infidelity and jealousy and commitment raised in a movie like _Eyes Wide Shut_.

Tom Cruise says, "I know you so well that I'm not afraid you'll cheat on me. I know you. That's why I'm not jealous." Then Nicole Kidman flips out and is like, "What do you MEAN - I'm not GOOD enough to make you jealous?! You wouldn't care if you lost me to another man? And (of course) just what makes you think you 'know' me?" As though the extent of your partner's jealousy is some measure of your value.

Then there's like what happened in the movie _Kinsey_: how are you supposed to tell your husband if the most recent guy you slept with was so much better than him at ... whatever? Or that you want to spend more time with the other guy? Or that you've eventually come to love somebody else that you met while swinging and don't want to be with your husband anymore?

Answer 4

I think that anything that is truly consensual is fine--you hear weird stories about very closed, isolated communities where women have no choice, and I'm obviously not for that. Me personally, I think I deserve someone's full attention and when polygamous women say, "Well at least I know where my husband is at night," I think it's sad that they expect so little from their husband/marriage. But the polygamous families you see interviewed on TV are always the weirdest ones, it's just tabloid TV. If a bunch of women want to share one man because they like living alone or are bi or just because for whatever reason it floats their boat, it's fine by me.

Answer 5

It would be similar to being in a band. You have your band mates, and egos and jealousy are always a factor, and the more people are in the band (marriage), the greater the probability of experiencing jealousy bouts and damaged egos. This really sucks, and leads to the dissolution of the band (marriage). It's a huge headache. But, you have these shared experiences with these people. They are closer and tighter than anyone else in your world. This shared experience, this shared vision, is so special that no other relationship can be compared to it, even those with one other person. Although, sometimes there WILL be one other person in the group who you click with better than the rest, and this will cause the former problems I mentioned.

The waters are less stormy and more navigable with two people than with more. But with more, it'll be one hell of a ride!

Answer 6

I raised a family in a monogamous relationship. But, now, I could not imagine ever living in such a relationship. Oddly, although I love several men, I would not be comfortable if they loved anyone else but me. Just being honest. In hospice research, one of the three most common regrets that people state when they are dying is that they remained committed to monogamy.

Answer 7

I've studied secular groups of people commonly called 'the polys'.
I have no issue with them. there is equality and most are mature people. I'm reading a book 'the ethical slut' (slut in some circles in not an insult, the word was reclaimed, to mean a person who is non-monogamous but responsible)
the two authors are female who are polys and have been in all different kinds of relationships.
the relations have included groups and communal living. being with one partner. being with one primary partner and dating others (both parties doing so). and the mixing of romance and sex in groups, as well as the separation of sex and romance.
I even read a chapter on child-rearing in this subject.

I have no issues on what people do in private, I have no issues as long as no one is being raped, abused, prohibited, or otherwise limited due to their relationships.

Answer 8

Well polygamy came from mormonism. I believe that polygamy is man's excuse to get out of adultery. I'd like to meet a woman who has many husbands!

Answer 9

I could live 2, maybe 3 women and be fine with it. They would all have to get along... that would be the hard part.

They would definitely get all the love, sex, and whatever else they want.

There's no way I could let another man in on it, though. Call it whatever you want, that's just the truth of me.

Answer 10

I'm a one woman man, who wants to be with a woman who only wants me. (I believe in Love).
Unfortunately, life and our society especially, is not like that. I've come to accept that, and have learn to adapt to the changes in society... so I make sure not to get a woman pregnant, so I won't end up living with roomates my whole life because I can't support myself after paying support for one child only, with the mother having the upperhand of whether I can see my child or not.
Unfortunately for me, I prefer intelligent women.. someone I can conversate with. Usually these women take care of themselves. So, I just have girlfriends, we each live alone and we individually take care of ourselves. And so, I will probably never reproduce, which is against my nature as wanting to have a family.
But, again, I've adapted... to the point of basically not caring. I say 'whatever' and 'Sure' to everything anymore when it comes to relationships. I'm indifferent, and basically just fulfill my role as a man, even though its always changing to meet the need of the woman at that particular moment. NOW IMAGINE THIS TIMES 10. YEAH RIGHT!!!

Simple Answer: I believe in the Theory of Marriage, but not based on today's reality. (Like Communism is great in theory, but awful in reality). Considering this, I'm against Polygamy. But, I don't care what other people do.