i have been with my husband for 13 years. we have four children, one daughter died at birth. the others 5,6,9 yrs. We finally decided to get married 10 months ago, because he finally changed. he is on meds for depression and it made a world of difference. He used to be mean to me, sometimes physical, but not extreme. but he is a changed man, i thought. He told me 4 days ago he kissed someone else. He says he loves me and wants to work things out with me but i cant help but feeling he doesn't love me anymore. He has hurt me so deeply all i do is cry, i cant even function normally. someone help-he is 38 and i am 34.is it a midlife thing? is it me? how should I respond? should I 'kiss his butt" cuz thats what i want to do to make him happy, but is that the right thing? Help! i feel desparate.
2007-08-23 13:28:21 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First of all, have you guys considered counselling? It could help, but I guess the best thing to do first is to sit down and talk about it. I know it sounds cliche but butt-kissing would only make him think that what he's doing is ok. You need to let him know that for a good marriage to work, both the husband and the wife should meet halfway.
You said that he told you that he kissed someone else 4 days ago... are u even sure that it's true? It could be him acting up, u know. Sometimes people say things like that to get attention from their partner, so maybe you should start getting more 'bonding time' with him. Be more intimate and make him feel needed. Keep him excited--it's not that hard, especially with men. BUT let him know as calmly as possible that it hurt you that he would kiss someone else because you love him.
Don't go all female-empowerment on him but at the same time, don't be a martyr. Remember that for love to stay strong, it needs RESPECT--not just for your partner but also for yourself.
2007-08-23 13:44:54 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Looks like he is reaching out to you. You have a beautiful family try everything in your power to keep it together. Remember for better or for worse. Try to remember what it was like when the two of your first started dating, you couldn't stand to be away from each other for a minute. You two need some special time together. Do you have a family member who can tend to the kids for a weekend or a day? You two need to spend some quality time together just the two of you. Even if you take a walk through a park holding hands. It's not kissing the butt it is a bond. You are in a covenant relationship and the third party is God. Pray talk to God, He'll hear you. If you want this marriage to work and you are sincere, IT WILL WORK, you just have to work it. Best wishes.
2007-08-23 21:07:43 · answer #2 · answered by Titus12 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He should be the one kissing your butt, NOT YOU!! let him get away with kissing another woman and the next time he will have sex with her cuz he knows that you will forgive him, just be very careful because there's alot of deceases and like you said you have 3 kids, they depend on you. If you don't feel loved is because most likely he doesn't love you.why would you want to make a man that had hurt you so deeply happy????????? check the status of your marriage, and find out where ya standing. Keeping in mind your kids. Take good care and Don't let nobody treat you bad especially around your children.
2007-08-23 20:57:13 · answer #3 · answered by mamachula01 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you want him to lose respect for you go a head and kiss his butt. Men are drawn to strong women not someone that feels sorry for herself.Pick yourself up and show him your not going to take his s h i t watch how surprised he gets from your reaction. You keep doing the same old thing day in and day out he will go and kiss someone else. Do something anything different from yesterday and the day before that,that's how you will keep him. What ever you do stop feeling sorry for yourself,I'm not saying you shouldn't feel anything I'm saying there is a time and place for that but right now put that pain aside and focus on saving your marriage.
2007-08-23 20:46:58 · answer #4 · answered by Teenie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No don't kiss his butt.... You should know that a marriage is 50/50. Both of you should make each other feel happy. If he kissed someone after 13 years of being with you, he's in the wrong. You two got married 10 months ago and he's already in some other woman's face. That has got to stop. You need to put your foot down. You need to step out of your shoes for one second and reevaluate yourself. If you want to stay with him, I suggest you go to marriage counseling. I don't know if you're willing to do that. If you are, let me know what area you're in and I can get you to one. I know many Marriage Counselors and I'm almost finished with my degree in Psychology/Family/Marriage Counseling.
I pray that it gets better for you. This is very unfortunate.
2007-08-23 20:42:25 · answer #5 · answered by 2 Legit 2 Quit 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask him if he's interested in that other person. Maybe there is a reason that it only went as far as just a kiss. Does he feel bad? Also if you can't forgive and forget than forget it, it's going to haunt you forever. If that's the case get out, but if it was just a mistake and he really wants to work things out then you should talk it out until you don't hurt so much. But really forget it, there is no point in you being jealous every time he's gone.
2007-08-23 20:47:55 · answer #6 · answered by Diana S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If all he did was kiss someone - then there is hope. Who did he kiss? Does he still see this person? Ask him - why he kissed someone and what he wants to do now? If he wants to make it work then is he willing to promise faithfulness and complete honesty? If you think he doesn't love you anymore - then ask yourself why? Do you love him? Couple's counseling would be helpful, especially if he is getting used to medication - as you are also adjusting to he as a new person. Do not kiss up to him to make him happy. Be open and honest and forgiving. But, don't be fooled - he has to tell all about who he kissed and why and promise to never make that mistake again.
2007-08-23 20:38:42 · answer #7 · answered by geminijeanna 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
awwwe sweetie im so sorry ,but if you love him dont give up on your relationship over a kiss, and if he told you then he must feel pretty guilty about it and doesnt want to hide anything from you and thats a good thing ask yourself if you really want him or the stability? i know how you hurt bacause i have been through it also except he went alot further , it took a while for me to heal and it was so hard to learn to trust him again but now that we are through it im so glad i made the choice to work it out and i truly believe he was sorry for it cause he came and told me also . so if you love him give yourself time to deal with it and never ever kiss a mans buttt for anything .right now let yours be kissed! YOUR THE ONE WHO DESERVES IT . BEST OF LUCK TO YOU
2007-08-23 20:55:59 · answer #8 · answered by chelle 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
don't kiss his butt confront him about this, what he did was so wrong. kissing his butt will not make him happy, because its not about u, its within him. we teach others how to treat us by what we allow in the relationship, kissing someone is the beginning of problems, u need to communicate with him see where his heart is at, but never beg, plead, or kiss butt in hopes u can change him cause u can't. but do confront him and find out if he still wants to be married to u.
2007-08-23 20:49:58 · answer #9 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would go out of town for a while. I went through the same exact thing about a year and a half ago... We planned a trip to Montana about half a year before anything had happened. Luckily we had that little vacation planned becasue when I found out he was seeing another girl I flipped! There were times I wanted to talk about it and he didn't and then one day I blew up and packed all my stuff including everything I needed for my kids and left (for a couple of hours, he thought I was gone for good) it scared the $h!t out of him, he realized what he had jeopardized. We still went to Montana and spent our planned two weeks out there. We had late night talks about everything and there were nights where he cried or I cried or we both cried. We got past everything by all of our late night talks and now treasure eachother with every ounce of our being. I hope everything turns out for the best for you two. Keep your head up, I knkow what kind of pain you're in and just try to keep it together for your kids. Good Luck :o)
2007-08-23 20:48:29 · answer #10 · answered by ~{Graciela}~ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋