Marriage problems - am I fighting an uphill battle or can this be resolved?

Question

My husband and I fight constantly. Many times it's small stuff, but sometimes I just don't think he "gets it" regarding finances. He spends money that we don't have on things for himself and justifies by saying it was "leftover from our vacation fund" (the vacation that put us about $4K in debt) or "it's something we both can use".

Another big issue is my weight. Recently, I made a comment that I wanted to lose weight. Instead of something like, "I'm behind you and will support you", he said there are things "I can't wear anymore and he misses that". It made me feel like a cow, which I'm not. I was a lot smaller at one time(after dieting and losing 60 lbs.), but I had an eating disorder that went along with that size. It scares me that I could get out of control with my eating once again. It seems as if he doesn't understand that fact. He pressured me to gain weight when I was skinny and now it seems he's holding it against me.

I'm frustrated and not sure what to do.

I sometimes don't feel I'm losing weight for myself, but to please him. I do a lot to please him, but it never seems to get me any further along. He does exercise me, but when I mentioned that he hadn't been going to the gym (which kind of caused me to slip a little in my workouts), he told me he "didn't feel he needed it". It was really frustrating. He's the first one to talk about eating out, having a beer (we quite drinking 2 years ago)/the taste of alcolhol drinks, eating sweets, etc. Yet he expects me to be superhuman and just lose the weight (without developing an eating disorder all over again)!

There are no kids. Just us.

We're supposed to be saving money so he can start a business. I figure if he won't do what needs to be done, then maybe we're done.

I'm vegan (total vegetarian), eat a balanced diet, workout 5-6 days a week. I figure what more can I do? That's basically it. I was eating more treats, but I've cut that out. I'm just hoping with the holidays, etc. coming it won't be comments on stuff I shouldn't be having or how I'm breaking my diet.

Answer 1

As far as the money I suggest you start an account for yourself so when you need it you can use it. As far as the dieting you may never get his suport so just make sure you are doing it for yourself.

Answer 2

One of the number one reasons couple fight is over money, but usually it is the husband complaining about what the wife spends. Men can be very stubborn and prideful when it comes to how the household income is spent. You can try working up a budget that gives him a reasonable amount of mad money that he doesn't have to account for. Approach him with this when he is relaxed and ready to talk. Let him know that you drafted a budget and you would like to get his opinion on it. Sometimes men feel threatened if they think the wife is trying to control the purse strings. I know its childish, but that's the way it usually is.
Stop the fighting and nagging about money right now though. That will put peace back into your relationship and make him more open to any new discussions in the future about money.
Your husband obviously used a poor choice of words and should have offered to give you his support on the weight loss issue, but he probably did not intend to make you "feel like a cow". Some men just have no clue about how touchy the issue of weight loss can be to a woman. Focus on doing what makes you feel good about yourself. If its loosing a few pounds sensibly or just making healthier choices. Since you already suffered an eating disorder once, it would best to get some advice from a nutritional counselor, or join a health club where your can have your exercise and diet monitored. Work on being happy with who you are. He will see that and respond in a positive way.

Answer 3

I don't think that finances or weight are the problems. Truthfully.

It seems that a loss of communication and expectations is a major culprit.

Usually, when expectations go unmet, and communication breaks down, everything become big issues that can't seem to resolve.

I would highly recommend marriage counseling immediately for both. You still have many chances to fulfill a happy marriage.

To answer the question, it's rare to have an uphill battle that cannot be solved. Most issues are solvable. It only depends on the willingness of those involved to want to resolve them.

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Answer 4

Some guys just don't get it when it comes to weight. You can tell your husband is controling. You can either go onlong with him in spirit even though your heart isn't in it or you can ignore him and piss him off all the time. The latter doesn't help much. It sound like your husband is also trying to isolate himself. He's putting up walls around you psyologically. Don' t let him put those walls up. Put on an illussion that you are listening but live free from his bounderies. Psycology for psycology. Open up to him a little bit at the same time.

Answer 5

You have married a self centered individual. They are the very worst husbands in the world, sorry to say... He also is bad for your health, it seems...

Here is one thing that works for me, when I want to lose a few pounds: I eat every hour small portions of food. It could be fruits, veggies, it could be a small chicken sandwich with veggie juice etc. You can basically eat anything , but in very small portions. Try almonds and apples, I love this combination. It will keep you from feeling hungry, and your metabolism will work very hard at spending calories. Start working out, it will help you lose weight and keep your stress level at low.

Now, you need to take control of your family finances. He isn't a responsible one, so you need to make sure it is one of your responsibilities. Cancel all his credit cards. Open new accounts with your name only. Make sure he simply has no money to waste. Let him know why you did it, and be firm in your decision. You need to have at least one rational adult in your mess of a marriage. Good luck sweetheart.

Answer 6

Marriage counseling, and maybe individual counseling for both of you regarding financial responsibility and the eating disorder. Those two issues are really big and you shouldn't have to face them alone. Marriage should be a partnership, and it sounds like you feel abandoned in that aspect of your relationship. So perhaps there is some more money "left over from the vacation fund" to pay for counseling, too. It's certainly something that you "both could use." ;)

Answer 7

It does sound to me like you have some problems to work on, but they don't seem unresolvable. Although there are some important issues, they sound like the types of things that lots of couples deal with. As for the money--that's a major problem. You need to find a way to start budgeting and make sure he's on board. Go see a financial planner together so that he can see the consequences of his over-spending. As for your weight--you need to let him know how you feel. What he said about missing you in different things wasn't meant to hurt you. Guys just say things without realizing that women are going to analyze them 1000-times over. Make sure he knows what you need from him in regard to support of your body image. He's not going to know what you need unless you let him know.

Answer 8

do you have children? cause you can tell him to out that money into their university fund. Heck, I'm only 17 and I'm starting to save my money for my future kids. as of now, i have no girlfriend at all, and i still think it's important to invest money.

your weight problem. I dont know. you say you fight a lot. It doesn't have to be a fight, have a sit with him and talk about it. if he raises his voice just leave and then come back after he cools down. but remember to control your emotions too.

sorry, I know it's hard taking advice from a 17 year old kid.

Answer 9

Can you go see a marriage conselor? It gets hard when you are working and you can't spend any money at all and you work all day, all week, all month...

As for your weight join weight watchers it really helped me! I feel better about myself too!!

As for the petty arguements, try to see the good in him. Be positive even when it is hard, he will notice and love you all the more for it.

Divorces are ugly try to work it out while there is still hope...

~child of divorced parents~

Answer 10

Put him on a budget.
Don't let his comment bug you that much. Men aren't always sensitive when talking about stuff. Maybe you interrupted his tv show when you were discussing it and he just mumbled something. He is not a woman; if you need a different kind of encouragement talk to your mom or a gf.

Answer 11

Different things work for different people. My sister had to open a bank account just for her husband to get him under control. Me I handed everything over to my husband and said go for it. We lose everything we lose everything I will not fight you anymore on this. It took awhile but, he came around to see I was right all along. He still pays the bills to this day! As for the weight don't say anything to him and just do it for yourself and no one else.....good luck