30 yrs old and need some advice?

Question

I have a lovely husband and 3 beautiful children and another one on the way. My husband is very attentive, loving, complimentary etc and we do have a very nice life. I am a little insecure though and I have always made it clear that it would upset me if he looked at another woman. He tells me that he only has eyes for me and that he is really lucky to be with someone 10 years younger but I just hate it when he sees other attractive women in real life or pictures. He says that I have to accept that there are other attractive women in the world and that you can't help notice if someone is good looking, the same as you can't help but notice if someone is black, white, fat skinny etc but I just really struggle with the idea of him finding other women attractive. He also knows that I would hate him watching porn so he says that he wouldn't, but I know that before me he occasionally used to watch the odd movie and said that it was never about watching the women but the sex. what should i do

Answer 1

What should you do? You should learn to relax and learn to accept things the way they are.

Ask yourself what you would do if you found yourself looking out the window and you discover that the neighbors have a new lawnmower guy. He is 22 years old, tan and built like a Greek god. He is all hot and sweat is dripping off of him so he stops and peels off his tight t-shirt. He uses it to "towel off" a bit before he goes back to work.

Tell me honestly you wouldn't pause for a moment and admire him. Its ok, because there's nothing wrong with that!

Just like there is nothing wrong with your husband admiring an attractive woman. Its normal. Its human nature. Its totally natural.

Like they say, "it doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you come home for dinner". Relax. He loves you. He is obviously devoted to you. Even today (three kids and pregnant) he probably thinks you are hot. The most attractive thing in any woman is confidence. Be the hot, confident woman he needs you to be!

Answer 2

I think the clue is when you said that you, "were a little insecure". Unless your husband is constantly telling you how attractive other women are, his behavior is normal.

When did your being "a little insecure begin? Was it before you met your husband? If that is the case, then the solution is to resolve that insecurity. Sometimes, self help books are enough, although different authors have different opinions and it is hard for a lay person to know which author knows what they are talking about.

If you decide to get some help from a counselor and are a Christian, I would encourage you to try to find a Christian psychologist.

As an example, I tend to be insecure about women in general. I have fears of rejection and abandonment that started with my relationship with my mother when I was a child.

I was able to work through most of that with the help of some books and some counseling. If the problem is that your self esteem is low, then you will always be unsure of your husband, until your self esteem is raised.

I don't know that this is the problem, I am guessing from the information you gave. If self esteem is the issue, I'm not being critical of you. At least 1/2 of us have some degree of problem with this, including myself.

My best wishes for you and your marriage.

Answer 3

I think you are insecure. This was an issue I had to tackle myself at one point. It's obvious that since your pregnant you are thinking all these crazy thoughts.

I don't think there is anything wrong with taking a look at someone whose attractive. I do find something wrong with staring though. I wouldn't have that.

Also, when it comes to porn....Would you rather him watch porn? or go out and have sex with someone else? I think I'd chose porn for him.

Once you give birth and lose all the weight you have gained, you'll feel so much more secure and better about yourself. This pregnancy is driving you crazy and if you keep it up, you can risk losing your husband. No guys likes an insecure, annoying, and insane woman in their life. Although you have will have 4 kids together, that doesn't mean he won't kick you to the curb. So stop worrying about him. He seems like a good guy. Worry when he starts working later hours and stops showing you he cares.

Answer 4

I feel the same way that you do. My husband use to do the same thing (before we were together). I caught him once since then (before we married). He knows how I feel about it. I told him that was his last chance and if he did it again I would leave, I didn't care if we were married and had kids or not.

So, that story is in the past. I still feel the same about him thinking other women are pretty. It would hurt me. I think it's different though if it's a woman on tv or a woman in real life. And you have to ask yourself: do you think other men are attractive. If you do and think there's nothing wrong with that because you know you would never do anything. It's the same for him.

If he really loves you and pays attention to you, it really shouldn't matter. He chose you to spend the rest of your life with. As long as he thinks YOU are the most beautiful person in the WORLD, you've got the best thing in the world. Don't you think?

Answer 5

You need to (no offense) get over your insecurities.
You husband is YOUR husband. He is obviously a great guy (from you have said) and he obviously loves you. It sounds like you have his heart and eyes, and everything else. But he is right, there are other women out there in the world. And some are more attractive or whatever them some others. But who cares?? He picked you, he has devoted himself to you and your kids, so what are you so worried about??
And, can you HONESTLY, and I mean honestly, say that you have never ever looked at another man (actor or a guy at the grocery store) and thought he was attractive?? Even though you love your husband and only have eyes for him. Probably, if you are really honest with yourself, you can't answer no to that question, BUT it didn't make you love him less or find your husband any less attractive did it?

I would say this is probably just your hormones talking since youa re pregnant, but it sounds like it goes much deeper than that. You are just going to find a way to deal with your insecurities and move one. Don't ruin yours and your kids and your husbands lives over this.

Good luck with the new baby!! And BE HAPPY! YOu are one of the lucky ones that has what sounds like the perfect husband and life!

Answer 6

I think all of that insecurity hits a little harder during pregnancy and after children, b/c lets face it you don't feel as young and your body sure isn't the same as it was before. All women on tv / pictures/ porns are airbrushed..or have had major surgerys to look that way. Its pathetic that is what MAN has made women believe is the "ideal look." I also get upset with my husband anytime he comments another women. Its mostly just a respect thing. If i see an attractive man, I sure as hell wouldn't let him know I though so about someone else..I don't think he should either. If they have too look..at least do it on the sly.

Answer 7

When he stops looking that is when you have to start worrying. Do you see a good looking man don't you get you pretty good look ,we all do that is human nature. I think he really loves you but he finds other women attractive , if he didn't there would be something wrong with him. He may even have thoughts , I wonder what she be like in the bed , but that is just thoughts , if we didn't enjoy having thoughts ,then he might as well hang it up .
Men 70 years old that couldn't do anything if they wanted to still look at women and have sex thoughts any woman that really likes sex and has all her life will have the same thing if she is 80 years old. You still get that little tingle that little giddy up , but your giddy up has gotty up and gone. But sure wish it would come back. A man told me onetime if he could find a woman that could bring his sex life back he would give her anything she wanted for the rest of her life. That is pure sex everybody likes

Answer 8

What you should do is thank God that you have such a wonderful husband and father to your children. He is right, there is no way, other than blinding the guy to keep him from seeing other women that are attractive, just like you see other guys that are attractive. This insecurity will become a problem for both of you if you do not get past it. He does not watch porn, be thankful. He has eyes for only you, hug him for that. He sees you as his dream girl, you need to accept that and start feeling like his dream girl and not like the future ex.

Answer 9

There are women more attractive than you are. There are. That doesn't mean that she has the same exact personality as you and that he wants to be with her. A pretty woman can look great but may have a really really bad attitude. He knows that and you should too.
He married you. He is reaffirming your self-esteem a lot it sounds like. Don't blow this by saying "Everything you are doing for me is still not enough" Single men do look at porn. At least he wasn't out doing it with girls on one night stands and you could have a STD from that.

Answer 10

Well, you totally need to work on the self-esteem. I don't know if you know about her, but there is a pastor/writer named Joyce Meyer and she has a lot of material that would be helpful in understanding who you are and how to appreciate it. And he's kinda right in a way that you can't help noticing things, don't you notice? But on the other hand is he an ogler? Does he like undress people with his eyes? Is it making you uncomfortable because he's being wierd? Well, it doesn't seem like ya'll are having trouble being intimate, but maybe you could have the confidence in having more creative marital fun? (Nothing you aren't comfy with of course)
As for the porn, I don't know, it can be an addiction for some people. Do you think he has a problem with it? Do you really believe he doesn't viddy them anymore? I think the best person you need to talk to is him.