Best friends advice...?

Question

I encourage my wife to maintain her friends she acquired before our marriage; Just as long as they remain - Positive. However, there is one particular friend that is beginning to dig under my skin. My wife experienced an abusive relationship with her ex husband; It was bad enough for the courts to place a restraining order against him for the next 3 years. This "RO" will expire in November and I suggested that it be extended or a new one issued. Well, it is my wife's friend that suggest she not do this because she feels that it will put a strain on the relationship between her and her son that he acquired custody of after a series of threats. This guy is a certified jerk - he now resides with my wife's former best friend and brides maid. My question to you - do you believe an abusive man can be rehabilitated?

Answer 1

No I don't. She should try to continue the RO. Her safety is more important!

I think that it's strange that a best friend would want to live with the man who hurt her "best friend"! Doesn't sound like much of a friend to me!

Answer 2

What you should do is to voice your concern about her friend to her, tell your wifey that her friend's advice though make sense, sounds dangerous.
As a cop my self, what I suggest is for your wife to make a new restraining order, however don't make it too harsh on the ex-husband. Like make it to where he can visit his son, but to have him stay away from your wife no more than 500 feet. If he still makes any threat to your wife then you can have a harsher restraining order reinstated on him.
Yes, some one who has a violent history can be rehabilitated, unless he is a psychopath. Keeping him away from his son, will only make him wants to get his son back because he is afterall the father. However, I would suggest to your wife that her ex-husband's visit is to be under supervision and always check your stepson's body for any signs of physical or sexual abuse. That way if something like that happen, you and your wife can file for full custody and land her ex in jail for aggravated assault of a minor or sex offender status, this will help your case in court if you r wife were to file for sole custody of your stepson.
You and your wife needs to learn a little family law in custody and family matters, that way if something happen you can make an inform decision before having to pay the price. Go to a book store, many books are cheap that deals in the matter of family law. Many people who lose their battle with the exes are oblivious to what they could have done.
Is the former best friend of your wife have contact with your stepson? If she does than your wife can also have a restraining order on her ex-best friend, for the fact that she was the cause of your wife and her ex husband's divorce. You stepson should not be exposed to such treatment. If your wife's ex-husband really want to have a custody of the child too, you can make him adhere to the restraining order and the custody policy set forth by you and your wife.
I hope this helps you.

Answer 3

If he says he's rehabilitated and it would ease the relationships you and your wife have with her son and best friend, then maybe she should let it expire for now. It's not like you can't get another one if he shows any threatening or abusive behavior.

That being said, I personally don't believe an abuser can be rehabilitated, so I would also keep a close eye on him at all times.

Answer 4

NO!! The only way is if he has gotten help. I understand you not liking her friend she sounds like a biatch. But because she has a son you should just be supportive. Maybe you could suggest that when she wants to see her son that he come over you guy's home so that she would not have to be around her ex if she doesn't want 2 get another ro just let her know that whatever decision she makes u will b behind her 100% so in a way you over ride her friends advice

Answer 5

in my personal experience i dont think an abusive person can be rehabilitated. I thinkt hat she should get another restraining order against him, just because they have a child together doesnt mean he/she cannot see him/her.
there are organizations out there that provide access with and without a restraining order. I think that if the restraining order was expired it would make things a bit difficult for you and your wife, maybe you'llbe thinking that he's gonna come around and do it all again. and you dont need that.

Answer 6

A person can change certain things. He or she can lose weight, live a healthier life, donate more time/money to charitable causes for example.

The more complex characteristics are not likely going to go away. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

I won't offer any advice as I would say much more detail needs to be given. Though it might not be a bad idea to forget about that friend and tell your wife what you think.

Answer 7

Abusive type people can "resolve" their issues ,
But it does not happen often .
Insist a certified therapist evaluate him before agreeing to not extending the RO .
The best friend probably wants your wife to get involved again to relieve her own stress from dealing with him .

Get the RO extended unless a therapist recommends otherwise .

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Answer 8

I really don't believe that. I've never seen an abusive man stop being abusive. Maybe it happens but I've certainly never heard of it. The whole key is they would have to want to be rehabilitated. I know someone who took an anger management course and they said it was a joke, so I don't know how much of that does any good.

Answer 9

Yes, but he has to be in control. A man with a temper will always have a temper, but he can keep himself from acting on it. I think she should get the restraining order renewed. If the old order hasn't put a strain on the relationship with her son, then the new one should not either. Nothing should change.
But I would fight to get the boy back, he sounds unstable.

Answer 10

She only needs the RO if she is still threatened by him. They don't help much, if he wanted to hurt her that piece of paper wouldn't stop him and it really does complicate visitations and spending time with her kid, so it may be best to let it expire. Hopefully she is a stronger woman now with a more supportive husband.