Husband trouble - any advice?

Question

About 3 weeks ago my husband told me he'd met his soulmate and when he looked at her she also knew he was 'the one'. He regrets telling me now and said it was only the drink talking and nothings ever happened between them. I am heartbroken but he's just carrying on like nothings been said. I can't seem to forget what he said and wonder if I will always feel like his second choice. I can't see my feelings about this changing also we haven't so much as kissed since. How can I get over this or am I fool for trying to?

Me and my husband work at the same place and the woman in question also worked there but she left at least a year ago to go travelling - I was shocked to learn he's been thinking about her all this time and can't understand why he felt the need to tell me this after so long. I'm not sure if anything happened between them, and he never said he loved her but that doesn't make this any easier - I feel so sad inside and cry whenever I'm alone at home, I don't know what to do.

Answer 1

Huh?

He confessed his love for another woman, but that was three weeks ago and no one has raised the topic sense? That's weird.

My view comes down to how much you have invested in this relationship. If it is fairly new and you don't have kids and can get out "clean", you might consider it. On the other hand, if that's not the case, then I recommend you get yourselves to a marriage counselor. That was quite a bomb he dropped on you. You can't just leave it sitting there.

Answer 2

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I see why your confused. You must admit how hard it was for him to confess it but the fact that he did says alot. It says he respects you still. I want you to consider what could have happened, he could have slept with her (you may not even be sure if he did or not). He could have said nothing and continued and had an affair, or did he. In my mind I would wonder so many things, Like was the change of heart really on her part and now he is settling for me as his soulmate again. Was it really just the alcohol. Is he saying nothing happened to cover it up. I can say if it were me, NO I would not file for divorce but he would do some serious changing, Like not going out again drinking, Work, Home, Church, The end for a long time. He would have to convince me that he wants me to stay with him. He would have to show how important our marriage was to him. Prove to me I am your soulmate. We would also seek counseling not sure if you can afford it or not. Most jobs offer a EAP which pays for it. look into it. If not you guys need to be able to sit down and figure out what the plan is to make your feeling of missTrust go away. So no dont head to divorce court. He was honest with you which is more than what I can say for most men. I say Work it out with counsel. Someone that can help you.

Good Luck I wish you the best.

Answer 3

You guys absolutely have to talk about this, and you cannot let it go until you do. If everyone pretends nothing happened, he will forget about it and be okay, but you on the other hand will always be stuck-stuck in trusting him, stuck in feeling like 2nd best, stuck in wondering all the time about everything and that is no way to live your life. If he refuses to talk tell him then that you will have to file for divorce because you cant pretend nothing happened like he is. If he does talk to you about this, find out if he seems genuine about his mistake and whether or not you can handle his excuses to make it work. It will be a very long process in getting back to where you first were but it is possible. Both of you will have to work equally as hard tho. Check out the book called "the five love languages" this may help you as it has helped many others. Good luck to you! Remember everything happens for a reason!

Answer 4

Been there, and still doing that. Ive been married since i was 19 and i am now 34...The truth is it will NEVER change most likely. My husabnd even admits that he is wrong for not helping, and still continues to NOT do it. You just have to decide for youself if he is worth all of the work, efffort. The only way i ever felt ok about it ws when i worked. We hired a housekeeper once a week.Since he wasnt going to do it, atleast i didnt have to much either. Another thing that helped was marriage counseling. The couselor WILL SET HIM STRAIGHT and fast too, because as you know it is not 1950 they will side with you on that for sure, especially a woman therapist! But even that will will be short lived. You could leave him, but it will take a HUGE effort on your part, and you are risking it REALLY being over if you do... Just weight the odds of everything im saying because I know exactly where you are! And unless you do somehing, expect nothing but a lifetime of the same.

Answer 5

It seems that it's easy for everyone to tell you what to do when it isn't there heart being broken. If you remotely think that you want to stay with him the two of you should go to marriage counseling. If you don't this unfortunate event will always be weighing on your mind. If you don't feel he is worth the effort then get out now, let him think about what he has done. Some alone time may make him realize what an a** he is. Please realize not all men are insensitive, none of us are perfect but most of us try to be a little more tactful than your husband.

Answer 6

At this point, it is completely up to you.

If you see nothing redeeming in the relationship, move on. But if you want to save it for whatever reason, you need to seek marriage counseling both for your benefit as much as his.

If he comes to the conclusion that he's found someone else, and takes it so seriously, after drinking then who is to say he won't do this again later with ather women? Does he see any real reason to stay in the relationship or is he doing it because it's comfortable?

Even if counseling leads to a divorce, at least you will come to that conclusion openly and with the advice of someone objective who can listen to both sides. Maybe he feels there is something missing between you but hasn't been able to voice it?

Do some deep thinking and decide what you think will be best for both of you in the long run.

Good Luck.

Answer 7

Dont sell yourself short! Every person is entitled to feel the way u feel when they are told something like that. I have been in the same situation (exactlly the same) and i didnt stand up for myself and 3 years have now past and i am now im the person he wants to wake up and see every morning. But you should say how you feel and get it resolved, dont let him get off so easily because before you know it will be treating you like a doormat and think he can get away with it. Dont brush it under the carpet because maybe if i had of said something it would have been resolved sooner then 3 years. Your marriage is obviously important to you and you should fight for it, but dont fight if its not worth it and the only way to find that out is to comfront him (which is what i done last year) about how you feel. Also point out there isnt any action happening and that it is obviously because he has the same thing on his mind that you do. Fight but dont push yourself over the edge doing so because noone is worth that. good luck!

Answer 8

You must be hurting so much, and if your husband is like mine, he doesn't want to talk about relationship issues. But this was quite a traumatic event for you and surely he can't help but know he hurt you terribly. Also, you haven't really gotten to the bottom of whether what he told you was true or just something he said under the influence of alcohol. (but why would he say that, you have to wonder.) If you want to save the marriage, insist on counselling. If you would rather not spend the rest of your life with this man, this is your opportunity to leave because you certainly have good reason.
He thinks this problem will just go away if he ignores it. Don't let him get away with it. You should be his soulmate and no one else! good luck and so sorry for your pain.

Answer 9

I cant help thinking what he said probably was the drink talking. Some woman whose eyes met his across a manky bar should be no competition to the woman he promised to love and cherish forever!

But it doesnt bode well - like you say, how can you ever get those doubts out of your mind once he's said something like that.

Is your marriage generally good? If not, his comments were probably a sympton of there being something else wrong with the marriage. If there haven't been any other problems, it's worth trying to save the marriage. Of course his comments are still hurtful and cause for concern, so perhaps try marriage guidance counselling to get to the bottom of it

Answer 10

That was a terrible thing for him to say! I can imagine how you feel. I don't think you are going to get over this, especially when he acts like he said nothing wrong. I think you should try talking to him again. True feelings supposively come out when ur drinking. The fact that he hasnt tried to even kiss you since makes me kinda believe what he said. Good Luck, it's not my place to tell you what to do, but don't stay somewhere you dont feel a connection simply for the sake of a marriage.

Answer 11

Marriage counseling is what you need. If he has those kind of feelings from just looking at another woman there is a problem. You two need a way to get this out in the open and talk the issues through. A professional will listen to what is being said with an open mind and ask pertinent questions.