He admitted it after I found out & said he has always watched it since he was a kid. He knows it bugs me but he says it's normal. We don't have sex as often as we like because of kids, tired, etc. (we can go months at a time) And he says basically he's too lazy to make the effort to have sex with me (and too planned out if we set a date to do it) so he just watches it instead. I found out he's been spending up to $60/mth on sites. I know he has other e-mail addresses but, he refuses to give me the password so I can see what he's really looking at (he's ashamed). When he was a kid it was phone calls to girls. Then videos, then movies and Playboy, now the computer. I found a lot of videos he had downloaded on our computer when I was looking for some pictures of our kids to print. I was so po'd and hurt. He says it's not cheating (of course he'd say that) but how do I know it won't evolve into on-line sexual chats with other people?!? I am forcing him to go to counseling soon.Help!
2007-08-23 08:03:54 · 21 answers · asked by aloha 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
ok, well, it's not really cheating but my question is- why does he feel compelled to do something he's ashamed of?
How can he call it normal and be ashamed at the same time?
2007-08-23 08:10:11 · answer #1 · answered by LB 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that professional counseling is the answer. I think that you guys can talk alone and get your feelings out on the table, if you have been together for 20yrs you should be able to talk about anything and everything. And honestly if it is that important to him then maybe you guys should try to do it together. Stop with the computer and pop in a movie and go at it. I have been married for 14 years and my husband started the same thing and once I got involved and gave him a reason to stay off the computer (get naked and go in the bedroom) he runs to bed. Remember a relationship is work and you need to keep working at it if you want it to work for you. Imitaticy is an important part of marriage, you might not even have to have sex just sit in bed and talk or cuddle up and watch a movie (does not have to be porn any type). Make time for each other. Because honestly if you don't find the time for each other someone else will. He could start going to strip clubs and that is when you are fighting a loosing battle. Nip it in the bud before it gets there.
2007-08-23 08:25:00 · answer #2 · answered by chema129 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Another man has found a viable to the almighty leverage held over his head by the female gender. And the women said that they could get a man to do anything using the incentive of sexual companionship. Well, it is happening and all over the world men are starting to realize that if women do not want to give it up and enjoy sex as much as men the so be it. There is another way and now that women are left out of their own choice do not know how to revive the deficit they have created. I wonder if the female gender actually believed that it would be leverage for all time or when they are replaced it would be through electronic technology. The fear is not so much cheating but the taking of the leverage that women have given so much value to that it has taken away from the true meaning. Technology has provided adequate relief for a known price and there is no leverage to perform and given less value to women participating in the sexual act with them. Not being needed is not cheating it is enevitable and will happen. If you feel cheated is because you have made it that way and not the acts of the male. Your approach has been changed and does not afford you your avenue to what you want by spreading your legs. Technology is cheaper, serves the same purpose, cleaner, available any time needed and in a lower price range. Necessity is the mother of invention. It is nice to be needed but it sucks to be taken advantage of. For the men it is about time. Looks like times they are a changing.
2007-08-23 08:18:23 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Too late the online sex chat probably has way, way passed evolution, that is the reason he does not give you his other email addresses We are married for 10 years, we have two little kids, but we always make it a point to take time out for each other (sex included). I watch porn too and my wife is well aware of it, but I do not do it as an alternative to having sex with my wife. I like watching porn and sometimes we watch it together. But your husband has crossed line of just liking to watch porn to being obsessed by it, being addicted to it and using it to satisfying his sexual needs. If he does not choose to change his way, your relationship is heading for a crash landing.
2007-08-23 08:22:11 · answer #4 · answered by jimmy.parker06 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is most likely already chatting, hon. And yes, it is normal. But for a man to *only* be into that and not the actual real thing is a problem. An honest question: Are you doing all you can to make yourself sexy for him? Eating right, working out to stay in shape, shaving, fixing your hair and nails, etc.? Have you tried dressing up in costumes for him, spicing it up? Saying you don't have sex because of kids and fatigue is an excuse. Sorry, but it's true. You need to devote yourself to doing everything you can to draw his eyes away from the computer screen and onto you. Make the time and effort. Again, I don't think there's anything wrong with a man viewing porn or having sexy chats. But to not want the real deal isn't normal.
2007-08-23 08:24:09 · answer #5 · answered by meagain 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I honestly think that your husband is NOT cheating. All men like to watch porn it is just in there nature but just because he is watching does not mean he is cheating. My husband watches porn also. He looks it up on the computer but never pays to get on the sites. I could care less that he watches it and sometimes I even watch it with him. Maybe you guys can come to some sort of compromise. Let him know how you feel and ask him to stop wasting money on porn online. Tell him if he wants to watch then watch but he also needs to pay some attention to you and not make you feel like he would rather look at that then at you. Trust me he is just a man and men watch porn. I don't think there is much to read into.
2007-08-23 08:13:47 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
One thing I want to point out to you that I don't think any of the other posters have...
Your husband has been looking at porn since way before you came into his life, he has been looking at it all through your marriage - it was not the reason your sex life slowed down - as it has always been there, even before you had kids...it has never, in 20 years, been a factor in your life with him, because you had no idea it was there.
He is still, and always will be, the same man you fell in love with, the same man you have seen every day, since before you found a few dirty pictures on the computer, it isn't like it is a sudden change.
He is set in his ways of what he looks at and how...it hasn't and isn't going to "evolve" into more.
This is who he is - he has been this way since before you met...this is the man you love...the porn doesn't change that because, like I said, it has always been there.
You don't have to make a huge issue out of this if you don't want to - he doesn't disrespect you, he doesn't not love you,he doesn't not want you - it is just an "accessory" to his life.
I don't see what marriage counseling will do for you, especially if it is forced - he is who he is - and has been, since the beginning of your time with him. Nothing about him has changed recently - you just found out about an aspect of his life he chose to keep private. It is your choice to let himbe who he is - or cause it to potentially wreck your marriage.
2007-08-23 08:53:31 · answer #7 · answered by allrightythen 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Yes he watches it, but why can't he include you too? I've been there and its hard, but why does he need to charge that much? All I can say is i know how you feel, he will keep doing it, but maybe you can sit down with him and talk to him about doing it behind your back. Sounds like more or less you're hurt over the betrayal of finding out this way.He doesn't need to understand that if he visions these girls in the movies or whatever he is looking at, that is an affair. If he can't do it in front of you, then it is considered an affair. Good luck and I wish you all the best.
2007-08-23 08:11:24 · answer #8 · answered by Beatngu 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
watching porn is not a problem. All guy do that, even if we give up our video tape collection, we just go online. The problem is the sex relationship with you is low. Some couple share idea and guy watch porn and go to their wife. So that does in some way help spice the love life up.
But your husband is not going to you, that is the problem.
Being ashame mean he has something to hide. So I would keep a note book and calendars and write down his schedules. If he is home at 6pm everynight at leave the house at 8 in the morning, that that is find. If not, then you can have prove to nail him down.
2007-08-23 08:14:30 · answer #9 · answered by ken401lam 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well it looks like you are already on top of things. Marraige counseling will surely help you two. Don't make him ashamed of this. Its natural for a guy to look and be curious. maybe he liked the excitement of having that lil secret to himself but now that you know it won't be the same. I don't care if you two have kids and are tired you need to just not plan but initiate the sex. You do all the work the first couple of times and then he will get a lil more into it and he will want to join in. Maybe make it more kinky and different than your used to. Sex with your spouse is suppose to feel good and be fun not something you have to work at or be to tired to do. Its better than choclate ice cream ;p
2007-08-23 08:11:49 · answer #10 · answered by youcandoit 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Honey it is normal for a man to want to look at these things. My husband doesn't a lot and I am grateful I also look at it with him when he wants to. We even have favorites because it is something natural in the human nature. I think that you should understand that he has needs just as you do. Isn't it better that he looks at it than have it out there with other women?
Hell for the on line chats that depends on the trust in your marriage and for the counseling it would only work if he sees it as a problem and wants help and he is seeing it as not a problem.
2007-08-23 08:44:50 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋