Is my relationship as bad as I think it is?

Question

My husband and I have been married 6 years. We have a 5 year old son. We seem to fight over everything. Not now, but early on, our fights were sometimes even physical. Lately, I'm not even sure if I even love him anymore. I barely feel ANY sexual attraction to him at all. This obviously causes even more problems and fights. However, I recently saw an old boyfriend who happened to be in the place where I work. I was instantly attracted to him (nothing happened between us, we just talked for a few minutes). I have not felt like that with my husband for a VERY long time. My husband is a very good person and a great father. He can be very sweet and thoughtful WHEN he wants to. We have tried some online counseling and things like that, but we always fall back into the same pattern. I told him I want a separation. Am I just being ridiculous about this whole thing? Do other married people act like this?

In the past the things that have kept me with him are things like: I am afraid I won't find anyone else, I don't want to have to deal with custody issues, and that maybe he is a good husband and this is just how marriage is, maybe I just have emotional problems. We don't really have money for professional counseling and there is no one who provides affordable counseling in out area that I could find. Sorry if I'm all over the place her, it's difficult to compact my whole marriage into a few thousand letters.

Answer 1

Unfortunately, I am afraid that it is.

Since there is a young child in the picture, you both need to stop the fighting completely or separate; your collective misery will rub off on your son, presuming it hasn't done so already.

People who stay together "for the sake of the children" are not doing their children any good; in fact, that is more harmful than a divorce.

Time to chooose: either find marriage counseling you can afford or move on and enjoy life.

Answer 2

Seems like you are/have done everything possible. I would suggest seeking some more counseling somewhere else, give it one more shot. A suggestion for affordable counseling may be some kind of church or ministry counseling. As these are sometimes more affordable or free. You may not feel comfortable with this, bringing religion into this, but most of the counselors do not actually bring the religion into the counseling. I fear that since it was once a physical abusive relationship, if it continues on this path that may reoccur. While you do have a child and don't want to break up the family, you can't spend your life miserable for the child's sake. They will know, and it won't help them. I was lucky to have parents that were together, BUT all of my friends with divorced parents have told me that they wish their parents would've just done it sooner.
I would just put the "ex" out of my mind. Remember he is your ex for a reason. I am sure he was putting out all the good qualities you remember when you saw him, and not the bad. Just forget about that for now, and try to figure out what to do about this.
There are also books that you can get that have excercises for couples to do regarding this situation of fighting. That may be another alternative to try.
Best wishes.

Answer 3

NEVER is physical fighting NORMAL!!!!
That's a problem and if you don't want your son growing up thinking fighting with girls is OK you need to nip it in the bud NOW!
Now with that said..you guys tried counseling that you can afford and it hasn't helped. Well, have you done everything that you could to save your marriage?
Forget about the EX because they ALWAYS come around when you "think" you need someone to lean on.
That's how mistakes are made. This is about YOU and your husband. If he's willing to work on your marriage then go to
a church and talk to a pastor, bishop or whatever your religion is. They usually can help without charging your a mortgage payment.

I hope this helps and good luck!

Answer 4

It is difficult to start on suggestions without more individual and family of origin background and personal issues.and behaviors.

There are learned behaviors in families, genetic predispositions, chemical research(alcohol and drug abuse),
mental and physical problems, and arrested emotional development to name just a few places to start.

All these and more make you and your husband what you are today.

At some point being honest with each other and hearing each other will be a piece of the solution but until you have the tools and someone to help you both through the process(if you want to stay together) ; it is very difficult to do this on your own or even attempt to reinvent the wheel.

Love for each other, a spiritual path together, respect, responsibility, accountability, and honesty are a few key pieces of working this out if you want to.

If you don't want to work it out try to work out an amicable divorce and then seek counseling so your knowledge of yourself and future mates will improve next time.

Answer 5

Try sitting down with him and finding the underlying reason you are fighting over everything. When you start fighting over petty, minor things there is usually some unresolved issue that neither of you wants to deal with. Drag it out in the open and you have a chance of saving the marriage. Explain to your husband that the two of you need to work this out or a separation is heading your way.

Answer 6

If you haven't found any affordable marriage counselors in your area yet, keep searching. A lot of therapists are willing to be flexible with their rates if you're in need, so make some phone calls, too. It sounds like you don't have anything invested in this relationship other than your child, but that's reason enough to give it your absolute best try before you throw in the towel, and online counseling isn't going to cut it.

Answer 7

Sounds like you could use some counseling. If you still feel something, then its not over, especially if you have to ask. You would know if it was. Just be careful, don't make a rainy day out to be a storm and get into something with another man. If you truly want out, then wait until after that time.

Answer 8

First, love is a choice. Second you must honor your wedding vows, remember them? For better or WORSE, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer until DEATH do us part.

You can't change your husband, but you can change what you are doing. Become more agreeable, let a lot of the arguments go, they are not worth it. Most married couples have there disagreements. You have to do what ever it takes to make your marriage better.

Change how you treat him, be patient, tolerant, caring, kind, understanding, have unconditional love, be giving, selfless, quick to forgive and slow to anger. Do this no matter how he acts. If you do, this will begin to change how he treats you.

Your children will suffer the most if you divorce your husband. Do everything you can to repair your marriage. You must honor your vows, or your word is worthless.

Answer 9

It sounds pretty bad, but I can say this "the grass isnt greener on the other side, and whatever you do,dont do it until you seperate, dont give up your morals for something that might not last. You are still married, and you dont really want to drag someone else into a bad relationship, thats not away to start a new relationship either.

Answer 10

well having been there myself ( in your situation) I decided to get out of mine but I had a lot of abuse with mine also it is in a way to normal to argue but if you have no more love for the man then it is time to choose new options and explore different things everyone deserves to be happy in a marriage and now that I have seperated from my soon to be ex husband I am happieer than I have ever been it is really up to you what you do in your situation I stuck with mine for 8 years and am still having some problems eith my ex wanting to come back Just BE STRONG take care