Marital sex frequency - Reality vs 'Rights'?

Question

Time after time I see women asking,

"Why is my husband wanting sex more than once a month [when I'm not in the mood.]"

Time after time I see women answer:

"Who does he think he is? Does he think he can demand sex when you don't want it?"

"Sex isn't the glue that holds a marriage together!" those same women say.

I think the women who answer in this way probably have husbands who are 'cheating', or husbands who will one day cheat.

If a man needs frequent sex, but loves his wife and kids, he'll sometimes pick the lousy option. Same as a woman picks a lousy option by believing it's not important.

What a man 'should do' is a matter of conjecture. What he probably will actually do is a matter of near certainty.

Maybe it isn't 'right'? Maybe it isn't how it 'should be'?

But isn't accepting reality over wishful thinking sometimes preferable?

Answer 1

That whole "not in the mood" thing blows my mind. Sometimes I'm not "in the mood" to clean up around the house, but I do because I know the wife would like that. I'm not in the mood to get the car fixed but I do because the wife needs it. I'm not in the mood to take out the trash but I do because she doesn't like the smell.
Sometimes you gotta do what you don't want to do to help the relationship or help your partner.
I don't think anything should be "forced", but that "in the mood" crap is just a passive/aggressive way that women try to control their husbands, and it's wrong.

Answer 2

Men may have needs, but if he isn't getting those needs met, then it is time for a divorce. Sex IS a big part in marriage. It shows affection in the relationship. Really women, if you are married, granted, there are times where you are really not in the mood and sometimes you just can't, but for god sakes this is your husband! You married him, now sleep with him. Get your sex drive back. Go buy some lingerie, make yourself feel sexy and horny so you and your husband can have a good marriage. Really, if you didn't want sex, then you shouldn't have married.

Oh and to all men and women: Sex cures headaches and cramps so don't pull that BS card on the men anymore.

Answer 3

You are so right, and unfortunately I learned that the hard way. I guess I had one too many headaches and he found someone who didnt suffer from headaches.

So, speaking from experience, and if you want to talk about 'rights' and responisbilities, I also think that maybe my husband had a certain responsibility to tell me how bad it was getting for him or how desparate he was getting. To really sit me down and tell me what he needed and how bad he was needing it. And there are always two sides to every story. My husband never came home, did what ever he wanted to do, never helped me out at home or with the kids, put more effort into his job than his own marriage, even when he was supposed to have the day off. Treated me like sex was all I was good for. Had no idea the meaning of foreplay and real lasting intamate sex. His idea of sex was grabbing a sexual part of my body and saying, "hey baby lets F***". It took me longer to take my clothes off than he lasted in bed. So, naturally, I built up a little resentment adn started with the attitude, "why bother" and just started to say no all the time. So, for those men out there that are not getting it at their beck and call, probably some of them need to look at how they treat their wives. And if they can honestly say they treat her like a queen and give her the romance and respect that she deserves, and shes' still saying no, then, something is wrong with HER and he needs to try to spell it out for her first, and if she doesnt listen, well, divorce or cheat, do what ya gotta go. But my husbands cheating has ruined my whole family, so think about that, too.

Answer 4

Yes, my friend. As a woman who enjoys being quite sexual, I wholeheartedly agree with you. To sit there and say "how dare he!" is to be blind and ignorant. Sure, you have the right to withhold sex. But you'd better damn well believe he's gonna get it someplace else. You can only keep a dog under the porch and not pet him for so long before he runs away.

It's one of the reasons I believe in open marriage arrangements. We all go through times when don't feel in the mood, but expecting your man to abstain completely is just flat out wrong. If you aren't up to the task, let someone else fill the void.

Sorry girls, but this is real life, not one of the little princess fantasy worlds we grew up reading about.

Answer 5

A wife should give her husband sex anytime he asks of it and the same visa versa. A wife's body is not her but her husband's. She should never deprive her husband of sex except through a consented time. "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." This is what the Bible tells us. A man's primary need is sex and this is how God created them and there is nothing wrong with it. Women's primary need is to feel loved, so we wouldn't want our husbands depriving us of love would we. We would want them to show us love at all times even if they didn't feel like it. Marriage is not about selfish acts but about pleasing each other. i don't think a man has an excuse for cheating nor can he blame his wife for it, but I do think that when a woman deprives her husband, then he will tend to go elsewhere to look for sex. I am not saying this is acceptable but unfortunately is what happens. Women just don't understand the making of a man's anatomy. If they did, there would not be all this controversy about men wanting sex all the time. It's natural and normal as long as it complies within God's standard.

Answer 6

There is no reality to accept anymore. There is no longer any degree of true selflessness or giving to found within marriages. Females have been brainwashed into thinking that in order to be strong, they are supposed to think always of themselves first. So why in the world would they put their husbands needs in front of their own?

Sex may not be the glue to hold a marriage together, but bad sex can certainly cause a huge rift very quickly! And that works both ways as well.

Maybe a lot of this would not be an issue if more people were to communicate their needs BEFORE they got married--HONESTLY.

Answer 7

I think the biggest problem with this is that people don't get to know each other well enough before marrying. Or they think they can change them afterwards. This is something that should be discussed prior to marriage. If two people have very different sex drives this should be considered before deciding to forsake all others and get married. Not enough people do this, the old "oh it will work out" it doesn't and then ends up on here.

Answer 8

The reality is very simple and consists of three main points:

1. Women who make themselves sexually available to their husbands are in love with them and are attracted to them. Even if they are not aroused physically all the time, they love him so much they want him to be with them that way anyway - if they happen to wind up having an unexpected "O" after all - that is just icing on the cake. This holds true even when they fight with him occasionally, feel neglected by him occasionally, or he occasionally is not the most considerate lover in the world. (OCCASIONALLY is the key word in the last sentence.)

2. Wives who used to be sexually available to their husbands but no longer are have lost interest in their husband emotionally, and therefore physically. So men, if your wife isn't interested, it might be time to face the fact that she isn't pulling some power trip on you as much as she's fallen out of love with you. (Maybe the OCCASIONALLYies from the previous point has become OFTEN!) Decide how you feel about that and what, if anything, you want to do to about it BEFORE you cheat.

3. Finally, there are women who never had much interest in sex because they were either born with a low sex drive or suffered some kind of trauma. It happens. We are talking reality here, after all. Being born with a low sex drive happens far more often than our oversexed and overhyped media culture would allow you to believe. As there often isn't much room for compromise in this situation and there isn't any easy way to "fix" this condition (it's like trying to fix someone who is gay - believe it or not, doctors aren't always willing to inject a bunch of synthetic hormones just to make someone else happy!) so you really need to discover this prior to marriage. If you're a man with a low sex drive, this could be a match made in heaven. Remember - there's someone for everyone and to each his own.

Answer 9

I totally agree that sex is a big part of marriage, and that the woman who "perform" once a month are wrong. But lets ask another question - Are the husbands of these wives a "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am"? Do they demand their satisfaction and give nothing in return? Do they roll over and go to sleep?
Thank goodness I have a man that cares enough to appreciate my wants and needs, also.
I've said it before and I will say it again - it takes two to make a marriage work - and happily ours is 20yrs strong and still going!!!

Answer 10

I must be in the minority here because I think and I answer that women need to take care of their men that way. The issue is that women have been brought up with feminist ideals that they DESERVE certain treatment without having to earn it or treat others well. Who cares how you act as long as you are being treated as you deserve, which is a bunch of hogwash.

Once a month is just sad sad sad....a wife needs to be a lover, a flirt, a girlfriend to her husband as well as a good mom, supporter etc. It's true that most decent men will NOT go outside the marriage if they feel loved, admired, respected, desired, etc. Why do women overlook these things as unimportant, MEN HAVE FEELINGS TOO.