My fiances's mom (MIL) is driving me crazy. She is a self-involved pain.?

Question

I think her (MIL) background is important to understanding her: She was adopted by a couple as an infant. She is their only child. Her adopted mother passed away a few years ago, and she has little to do with her dad. She became pregnant with my fiance (F) at a very young age, and raised my F without the help of her parents. Since my F was born she has been divorced five times, and married six. According to what my F and the MIL have told me, the five guys she divorced were all jerks who were totally abusive in one form or another. F is all MIL has; F is the only stable relationship she has, and she is neurotic about it.

MIL is constantly asking my F to do huge favors (do her college homework, help her while F is on vacay, bring a cell charger across town during rush hour). Talking about this is touchy for F, understandably. I want my F and I to compromise on how we politey deal with MIL, since MIL is obviously not changing. I don't want MIL to come 1st in my marriage to F.

Answer 1

U have to talk to your man about it. He's the only one to set limits on it. She sounds like the type the more he gives the more she is going to want. This will NOT just get better on it's own. I would let him know how you feel and how much it bothers you and maybe have him set aside a day a week or a day every other week to go over and help her out with things. No one wants their man to be at the beck and call of another women... even his mom!
Good luck.

Answer 2

While she's not your mother in law(only IF you get married will she be that), you might want to reconsider whether or not you really want this guy as a husband. The reason she was in abusive relationships with jerks was because she picked them, her choice. The relationship between her and your fiancee is hardly what I call stable. Stable mother-son relationships don't include what you described above. If you marry this guy, things probably won't change. My advice is to not marry this guy until he tells his mother he's not going to be her doormat, and YOU come first. HE has to tell his mother WITHOUT you there. HE needs to be a man. If, after a day or two of telling him you won't marry him until then, he hasn't told his mother and things continue, break things off and find someone who will put you first. Good luck.

P.S. My MIL wasn't the type that drove me crazy when she was alive.

Answer 3

I could understand once or twice the divorce being because of the other person, but 5 times, lol, no way. Also, there comes a time when the apron strings have to be cut. Not because we dont love our parents/kids, but because that is life. Your fiance needs to understand this and set some boundaries with the mil on this. You also need to decide if this relationship is something you can handle, because if he doesnt change, then you will be the one who has to decide what to do.

Answer 4

somje times it is better if you all 3 seat down and to discusse the issues then to ignore it. out of respect for my own daughter in law i always call before dropping by to see if it is okay, i have gathering at the house once a month it falls on a sunday, where we can catch up on how they are all doing there is never any pressure if they come great if not next time , but as far as her calling get a caller id. answer when you want, maybe even make a speacial evening where you all can set down and visit over a meal and just talk, but please you can cut the old appron strings, but you can never un cut the love a mother has for a child no matter how old they get. so be patient with her, sometimes mothers really are good and helpful in reltionships.

Answer 5

Some mother in laws on yahoo say that there daughter in laws control there husbands. This is not true. You can only control yourself not anyone else. There is nothing you can do to change there relationship. It is up to your finance to say no or set boundaries with his mom and make a life of his own with you. Playing policeman and getting frustrated every time he drops ever thing to run to her aide gets old quick. I would have a talk with him and explain the issues. I would make a point to say that you are not looking to shut her out of his life. I would ask where are the boundaries and give him what if scenario's. However their relationship sounds dysfunctional. I would take some time alone to rethink this relationship as you do not want to be married to a man who drops you like a hot potato every time a call comes in from his mother.

Answer 6

We all have in-laws that drive us crazy, but to tell you the truth, I don't think you can do anything to change it. What you consider to be a pain is something your fiancee has been dealing with his whole life, and he's unlikely to look at from your point of view.

That doesn't mean don't try to talk about it! But it will be hard to get through to him without making him defensive. And I would try to approach the situation from a positive point of view, like "I think it's really great that you take such good care of your mom, but sometimes I think you take it a little far. Do you think it's a good idea for you to do her homework for her?"

Good luck!

Answer 7

Simple, you tell your man that while you will try to be as understanding of their relationship and MIL's background, you are depending on him to draw the line between what is common sense and what is not. And then see how it goes. If he does not use some common sense and continues to let her run parts of his life, then you can see this is how it will always be, and the decision will be yours, take it or leave it. You never know, he may step up to the plate. But don't nag him and tell him what to do, tell him what your expectations are and see if he steps up.

Answer 8

Ooooohhh, this is a tough one.

Your mother in law will always think of her son as the one man who will be there for her... because no other man ever did. I know she loves her son but she is too clingy to him. You will most likely have a hard time with her around. Why? Because your future husband will see you and his mother as equals in terms of his love and time.

I suggest that you move and live far away from your mother in law. Your fiance will probably not like this suggestion but if you want your marriage to work, the both of you should be far away from your mother in law as possible.

Answer 9

She is his mother, and very rightly so should be a top priority. The woman is neurotic. You have to deal with it. That's the beauty of growing up- and it sucks, but don't EVER put an ultimatum on things. YOU WILL LOSE.

Good luck, talk about it with your mother (don't trust anyone else with it), and blow off steam that way... GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 10

girl, you need to get honest with F before it's too late.

sit him down and tell him
"look, honey, i know this is a touchy subject, but if we're going to have a successful marriage we have to be able to talk about even the hard stuff. i know you have a special relationship with MIL and i don't want to get in the way of that...EVER, but i refuse to be second place in your life. if we are going to move forward with our marriage i need to know that i am the number one woman in your life.
if we're having dinner you will wait to call her back, or if we are on vacation, you will wait to run some errand of hers.
i need this to happen or else i can't marry you. i need to be with you and i love you and it breaks my heart to say this, but i can't play second fiddle in your life. i can't think about that continuing forever....it would eventually drive me away. what do you think?"

just be honest with him. i have a sister in law from hell and i made it clear to my husband, when we got married, that their relationship would change with me around and he needed to realize that and he understood.
he used to do everything for his S. she even nicknamed him "jorge, her houseboy"
he did her lawnwork, cleaned her house, bought her clothes when she lost weight, redid her kitchen floor....the list goes on.

never once was i ever jealous about this.....but i made sure he knew where his allegiances needed to be when we married. (SIL and i do not get along, but i tolerate her for my husband)

it does help that we live 10 hr away now, though....
can you move???

hang in there!!!