How do you make yourself grieve?

Question

I am not a cold person. I'm very warm and caring. I think with my heart first and my head second. I'm passionate and loving. But I can't let myself grieve for my losses. I just took a college course on Death and Dying. I've read books by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. I know grief is natural, and I recognize the stages of it. I can lecture someone else on the importance of grieving, but I can not seem to do it. I have suffered so much loss in my life. More than an average 36 year old should have experienced. BUT I CAN'T GRIEVE. I'm so afraid of it ruining me, my outlook on life. Counseling hasn't helped. I can't seem to even talk about it. With a total stranger, it's impossible. With closest friends, I can talk a little, but not too much. I just feel very lost, and very lonely right now.

Answer 1

IF one truly loves a person, then loses them, Grief is supposed to be a natural function, but in your case, apparently, it is not. You may be much more fortunate than you may realize, however. I KNOW. I have lived with Grief for nearly a decade, along with the anger, rage, and the feeling of impotent, abject helplessness that accompanies it, for at least every waking hour of every day. I would kill Myself to escape it, if I could but find a way to avoid the Dishonor of doing so. I well understand your feelings, but, with luck, perhaps your misfortune WILL pass.

Answer 2

It is all relative, when you talk about grief. For some people it takes the death of a parent rather than other family members. It depends on how much you have invested in someone or something. There is nothing wrong with that. The grief hasn't been triggered. Now, if you are avoiding confronting a huge loss you have to ask yourself why (if you weren't that invested in the first place or that you are intentionally avoiding it).

If you have grieved some in the past, it is only natural that you move on. Time is the biggest healer and you cannot let some set backs ruin your future livelihood. Reading about grief and actually going through grief are too separate things. If you can make connections with what you read and your own life, that could make you emotional. If it is a bit of a stretch than it is only natural not to evoke those feelings.

If you haven't tried a journal or writing down your feelings about the worst things that happened in your past life, I would start there. Bring out your emotions at the time these things occurred and how it might still affect you today. After writing, I would write about how you will move on and accept a bright future without reservations. Also, state how you might successfully use your experiences in the future as a person looking at the past version of yourself. When you feel somewhat content and ready to move forward, burn those pages.

Life is not easy for most people. Some experience more blows, making them stronger and able to cope with future experiences. In any case, you need to move on and get peace of mind. Do not get bogged down on your feelings about your past. Some friends cannot even imagine what you went through because they have never experienced it. Talking to family may be better suited. In any case, I suggest writing down your experiences and feelings and move forward. Think about your future after you have dealt with your past.

Answer 3

Every person grieves differently, you should know that, just because you do not cry or break down, does not mean that you are not grieving. Two years ago my husband was diagnosed with lymphoma, my teanage daughter got pregnant 6 months later and my step-mother died 6 months after that. I thought the same thing, that I was not grieving, sometimes your system gets so over loaded that you can't grieve, you just think, I don't have time for this. Eventually you will, and it will all come pouring out. It does not indicate that you are cold or uncaring.
I also will say that by your last statement about feeling lost and lonely, that you are grieving, you don't have to scream and cry and bury yourself in a hole to grieve.
Please e-mail me if you want to talk, sometimes it is easier if you don't have to look someone in the face and bare your soul.
Hang in there, you will make it.

Answer 4

Well, everyone grieves in different ways and on their own schedule.

Just because you don't break down and cry and freak out when something tragic happens, doesn't mean you don't grieve in your own way.

If you feel like you might be bottling up the grief and just refusing to let yourself feel what you need to feel, that could definitely become a problem. We're meant to feel these emotions, and they will come out at some point, no matter how hard your try to keep them hidden.

I wish I could tell you exactly what to do. I think you should definitely keep going to counseling. Sometimes talking to a neutral party can really help. You might also want to consider journaling. It might seem "junior high" to write in a journal, but I have started doing it and it really helps. There are things and emotions I don't want others to know about, but I can write them down and not feel ashamed by them. And it also helps to go back and read what I wrote later. It reminds me of what I was feeling and what was going on in my life during certain times. Even if you write and then just tear up the pages, at least you got it out and released it in some form.

Good luck!

Answer 5

If your grieving isn't causing you any problems then I say don't worry too much about it. We, as Americans, get so caught up in how we're SUPPOSED to be that we don't just accept our own individual ways of coping.

Think about it. There are people all over the world who deal with some intense issues but they can't stop to grief or analyze it. They're not influenced by the magazines and television doctors telling them how to feel and what to think all the time. Specifially I think of women who deal with war and death in less develped countries.

If your nongrief is hurting you in other areas of your life then just keep at it. It may take a long time to change. But if your only worry is that your coping mechanism might cause you harm then I think you should cut yourself some slack. Its okay not to deal with pain based on how some textbook says you should.

Answer 6

the fact that you're lonely suggests to me that you are grieving. and you are trying to speak with friends, and counselors, etc. Now, you said that you've experienced more than most 36 year olds. what exactly does that mean? if you've lost more loved ones than most people, it makes sense to not grieve in the normal way, because to do so would mean to remember everyone else that you've lost, and like you said, you don't want that to affect your outlook on life.

it sounds to me like you're grieving, but internally. after all, you're not in denial about the person being gone, and you're not acting like nothing's happened. you're sad, and lonely, but you can't let it dominate your life. to be honest, i'm impressed by the fact that you can acknowledge a loss, and carry on day to day.

however, if you want something more than that, i'd suggest that during the day, it's business as usual, but when you get home, if nothing else, have a conversation with the person. almost like a prayer, but between you and them, not God. just tell them that you're thinking about them and hope that they're all right, and that you miss them. i think that would qualify as constructive grieving.

Answer 7

tears cleanse the soul love , there is no set standered as to how one should grieve no rule book no guide , we all express grief in different ways and to different degrees .. do not allow books to determine your emotional reaction do not let yourself slip into societys mold of "grief" you need not become a wreck of weeping woman .. the world does not really care as to what you feel , only you can now how the loss effects your soul , listen to your heart love . it is normaly right , it is our head that seems most likely to get us into trouble ...
so just feel , do not rationalize

Answer 8

facing our pain is hard to do, and some people refuse to FEEL for whatever reason.

if you can find a way to take it all out of the bag you are carrying around, you will be able to deal with it. or perhaps you just cope in your own way?? do you think you are refusing to cope? or not?

it's not pleasant, and pain is a part of life. consider what you experienced growing up -- did your parents deny you expression of feeling? this could be a good place to look for a start.

everyone is different in their reaction to loss, as well.

take care.

Answer 9

Everyone grieves in a different way. Perhaps you are just grieving in a way you don't recognize as grief.