sometimes(plz tell me what you think)?

Question

sometimes i feel like i no friends
sometimes it is like the city is me only partner
i dont ever wanna feel like i did last night
it always seems like theres nobody out there
lonely as i am together we cry
i keep those burns away
i gave my soul away
dont act like your an angle
but before we say goodbye ask yourself
was it worth it all in the
but here where i am is where you want to be
lie to me once again
and tell me it will all be ok
and sometimes we are all our own

this is another one of my poems i am 12 and i was listening to under the bridge so i might have used some lines and changed some from the song so yes i do like the red hot chili peppers they have good music

PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT ON THE SPELLING I KNOW IT IS JACKED UP!!!

it is not finished none of mine are i just wrote them to see what people think

Answer 1

It's not just the spelling, it's grammar and punctuation.

Sorry, but these are THE tools of the trade.

It's okay to borrow a couple of lines from something else to jumpstart you poetic process, BUT you should probably leave them out of your finished poem.

Oh, and just a quick tip: don't argue with people who have taken the time to read your poem enough to comment on it. That's a gift. You thank them, even if you adamantly disagree with them.

Answer 2

Okay, issues...age is no excuse for a lack of courtesy. If you post something here for review, then you need to listen and not argue...the only thing you have going for you is your poem, not rebuttals...you will not convince someone they are wrong about something as subjective as what they think...YOU asked "THEM" what they thought, so have the courtesy to listen politely, and if you don't agree, then just let it go.

Second issue, unless you want to grow up to be a spoiled poser, you'd better get a few things straight:
1. NEVER, not EVER, steal someone else's work unless you "quote" them. If you want to copy lines from another poem, put them in your subtitle with quotations and a note showing the author's name, or say something like, "like under the bridge says...", otherwise it's wrong.
2. NEVER post something that is in draft form and then use that as an excuse. If you post something that's a draft, say so in the beginning and be prepared for people to offer up things like spelling, punctuation, etc. If you don't want them to bust you for spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc., then do the corrections to that first. If you're telling us that you're too young to check your spelling and grammar, then you're telling us you are too young to be taken seriously as a poet. You can't have it both ways. There are plenty of young poets out there that "do" take the time to get it right, even if they have to have their parents, friends, older siblings, teachers, etc. help them first.
3. If we take the time to write you comments on your poem, return the favor and actually read what we have to say. With few exceptions, those of us who take the time to offer advice do so in the hopes of making you a better poet; we don't get our kicks by beating up on 12 year olds, okay? We're really trying to make you better, but that doesn't mean we're going to tell you lies either, so be prepared to hear what you don't want to hear and be mature enough to take the criticism you asked for.

Now, back to your poem. Be careful of malapropisms. That is where you use one word but actually meant something else. "angle" and "angel" are examples of this. An "angel" is a luminous being, an "angle" is formed at the intersection of two lines. It isn't just a "typo" or spelling error, it's a case of the wrong word being used because it looked or sounded similar...hence the term "malapropism", meaning "wrong word used".

The fact that you're only 12 and want to write poetry is fantastic. Most 12 year olds would rather be on the computer chatting with their friends or playing video games...not that there's anything wrong with either of those things, but to also want to write poetry is a beautiful thing. Now that you have shown us the will to be a poet, practice refining the tools you'll need to write good poetry. Read more poetry and work on your grammar, phrasing, punctuation, spelling, etc. If you invest the time it takes to do those things better, you're entire life will be better, because those who communicate more clearly, will be more successful in anything they do in life. Your poem communicated many things, but it could be better if you work on it. Don't get angry, get better. If poetry was easy, everyone would be writing good poetry. However, you "can" become a better poet if you work at it....just keep writing.

Answer 3

I still say you are talented...as I saw in your other poems, but this one is a problem....aside from the plagarism issues, it doesn't not flow as well as some of your others. Keep up the good work though, you're still on the right track with your other poetry.

Answer 4

one million. I learned at present that I have got to pay for my first semester of tuition out of pocket. two. I'm now not certain if I'm going to get a divorce with my boyfriend. three. I nonetheless have not observed suitable complete time employment but.

Answer 5

For being 12 its not bad. However, you need to work on spelling and you've left out a few words. Like your first sentence.
"sometimes i feel like i no friends" should be Sometimes I feel like I "have" no friends. Just little things like that. But keep working on it, you'll get there.

Answer 6

I like your poem. It's good but I will like it so much if it says some more about what you think. The title of the poem suits your poem. And I think the poem is interesting.

Answer 7

Too much of it is stolen from under the bridge

Other than your lack of creativity, it doesnt flow or have a set subject- it seems like Loneliness is what you are trying to write about, but you weave in other aspects that do not fit

Answer 8

sometimes i feel i HAVE no friends
sometimes the city is mY only partner
i dont wanna feel like i did last night
it seems like nobody out there
lonely as i am
. together we cry

How do you like my re-write so far?
If you put extra words in, it looses the strength of the poem.
If like you put extra words into the poem, then it like looses a lot of the strength from the poem.

Answer 9

im guessing you enjoy the red hot chilli peppers? :)