Hubby got big into porn 6 years ago,blew $10,000 between porn and fees/bank charges from hiding it and being financially iresponsible.I paid it off.He dabbled in work,then we got a business-his dream.I put all my savings,borrowed...into this cause I knew he'd be good at it.He was,loved it,was happy...for the 1st 6 months,then got cocky and got addicted to cocaine-said he deserved it.That was 3 years ago.We bankrupted,he went thru rehab (but he's confessed that he has used drugs as recently as a few months ago).When doing drugs,he was physically abusive and I reacted by getting counseling.but also buried my pain by drinking excessively.I haven't drunk or wanted to for 6 months.I filed for divorce and he moved out in May.I like him out,but we see alot of each other because of the kids,he is being great about helping to run them to practices.He has worked steadily for 11/2 years and claims that he is working on himself.I care about him,not love love-should he get another chance?
2007-08-23 02:59:47 · 18 answers · asked by Angie07 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you don't love him then no. It is great if he is doing right by his kids, but that doesn't mean that you have to be married to him again.
2007-08-23 03:06:54 · answer #1 · answered by tlk0408 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Based on his track record I'd say you would be really foolish and downright crazy to take him back. Since you are not with him steadily you don't know what he is dabbling with on the side and how his finances are going. Accept his help with the kids (they're his too and he should be an active participant in their lives) and wish him the best in live but make a happy existence for you and the kids away from him. Remember all they went thru when you two were together. Don't go there again. Good luck and God Bless.
2007-08-23 03:07:39 · answer #2 · answered by tersey562 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Once a junkie, always a junkie. You have bailed him out of all of his "mistakes" and tried to make him happy doing what he wants to do. Well, now, how about you? What do YOU want? Do you want to go through the rest of your life 'fixing' the problems he is getting you in to? I commend your rehab from drinking. I hope it lasts. I have had similar problems with my X and I drank to forget it. I lost a lot along the way, but I found that I had to admit that I did NOT have any respect for myself, or I would not have lete it all happen to me. If I had the time to go back, I would have gotten rid of the real problem years ago and by problem, I mean your hubby. I have not had a drop to drink for 4 years, going on 5 and I do not miss it at all, I feel clear headed and even happy some times. But I made one mistake. I did not make a clean break with the real cause of my problems - my X. Give yourself a chance with freedom - get away from him and you already know that you can get along without him, you have really been doing it for a long time. I do not think he needs another chance, I think that YOU do, because he will never change and will become more of a burden as time goes on. Trust me in this and get some happiness out of life even if it hurts to let go. The children will get used to it, you will get used to it and you may have enough respect for yourself to give yourself a chance at real happiness. Be brave and good luck to you.
2007-08-23 03:15:47 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No...he does not deserve a second chance. Hunny...you were a codependent. You fed into his addiction. And then after that, you became an addict yourself. It is better to be away from that environment and on your own. You still see him because of the children. Appreciate the friendship you have, but nothing more! I'm proud of you for moving on and trying to cope with the addictions. Keep on trucking girl, it's worht it to yourself.
I mean just think, you said he was abusive during the times he was using. You do not want nor deserve to return back to that. Stay clean and stay strong!
2007-08-23 03:11:38 · answer #4 · answered by mally_pie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
maybe you would be better of living a separate togetherness?
let him date you for a couple years!!! see if he's serious.. people DO CHANGE, and perhaps he's learned his lesson?
you sound like an independent, VERY patient woman -- personally, i don't want to see you take the "chance" and rush back into a living-together arrangement.
hon, he took advantage of you so many times... why do you think it won't happen again? make him prove himself, and protect YOURSELF...
of course, the decision is entirely yours... but i think you have the guts and ambition to take care of yourself, by yourself... and if he wants to see you sometimes, well ok too... maybe it would be better from a distance for a while?
another thing you could do is attend "open" narcotics anonymous meetings once in a while -- you could probably get some good information about addicts (porn addict or drug addict, they are all addictions). and also some support too...
again take care of YOU !! no one else will!
2007-08-23 03:08:13 · answer #5 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have given him plenty of chances and it seems as if he has lied to you every time. So he started doing coke because he "deserved it"? What kind of drugged out logic is that?
You have supported your family without any help from your husband. If you don't love your husband, you should end it now. Don't be surprised when he tries to blame you for his life going to hell after the divorce is final.
Good luck.
2007-08-23 03:08:09 · answer #6 · answered by Leather and Lace 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
NO and I say that because I think his addiction will continue in your marriage... your marriage has become unhealthy due to addiction.. not your fault or his..
And No because I believe there is a better change for you to find love and support elsewhere.
And I also believe there is a better chance that both of you will become more healthy in a way that will be healling to the children.
2007-08-23 03:07:46 · answer #7 · answered by Bentley 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO....what about the kids.. in all the stuff I didnt read how any of this effected the kids.
In my opinion you should have thought about your kids when he was blowing all the money on porn, should have kicked him out then.. then came the cocaine and abuse...
Sweetie have some respect for yourself, have some respect for your children.. you look at them and think about the childhood memories they have, and ask yourself.. is this the life I want my kids to have.. is this the kind of life I want them to think is ok to live?
2007-08-23 03:12:11 · answer #8 · answered by billiecep2 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At this point, the book has closed on your relationship. It doesn't sound like the two of you were very happy together anyway. Stay friends because of the children, but it's time to move on with your life
2007-08-23 03:31:13 · answer #9 · answered by Roland'sMommy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are thinking about giving him another chance, you could start by dating and hanging out before he moves back in. Get to know him again and get close so you can see how he is really doing. Addicts are notorious liars and will say anything to get what they want.
2007-08-23 03:08:40 · answer #10 · answered by wwbrad90 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes but not totally, you said you been married for 10 years,does he deserve a chance, "YES"
start from weekend stay over only, for 3 months (you decide) separate rooms- (if you are unsure of your commitment in love issues) just to see his behaviour, normally men tends to hang out on weekend. so eventually you could check on consistent behaviour. On weekdays by phone, monitor his work schedule, to prove his claim. Call him once awhile, surprise weekday dates might bring back the good years.
And work on it together gradually, And you decide in time. ( good luck and god bless)
2007-08-23 03:42:14 · answer #11 · answered by ros888 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋