My husband and I have a 10 week old daughter together and I feel like he doesn't pay a lot of attention to her. When I ask him about it he just says it's because she is so little right now. I think this is a sorry @ss excuse ! On the other hand he pays soooo much attention to his 9 year old son from a previous marriage it's rediculous. He goes to get his son every other weekend in another state (150 miles away) but he won't even go pick up our daughter from the babysitters after work for me (it's only 5 miles from our house). I don't feel like he if being fair to our daughter, she don't get anywhere near the attention his other kid gets. I feel bad for feeling like this but it is becoming a big problem for me! He acts like our child is not as special to him and that makes me sad and mad as h3ll at the same time. Do you think it's just because our daughter is so little and he's telling the truth, or is there more to it? Or am I just making a mountain out of a mole hill?
2007-08-23 02:08:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Newborn & Baby
he has always been great with kids, i've seen him in action with them, but I think he is really being shitty to our baby.
2007-08-23 02:25:39 · update #1
I stopped breastfeedind 3 weeks ago when I returned to work, she is bottle fed now.
2007-08-23 02:33:06 · update #2
My husband wasn't too much into our daughter at the baby stage. She was nearly a year old before he seemed to really enjoy any time with her. He did what he had to, but nothing more. I do think women have an instinct to nurture infants more than men do - probably linked to the pregnancy itself. I would not be surprised if his interest in her didn't pick up when she gets old enough to interact and play more. Daddy's are great with kids at that stage most often...
2007-08-23 02:20:58 · answer #1 · answered by DesignerWeezl 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I can understand that this would be very painful to you, especially as a new mother. Take some time to think about how to approach the subject with him, and all the points you'd like to make. Then approach him calmly, at a good time when neither of you are in a hurry. That way, he will have to listen to you, and won't be able to accuse you of being hysterical. Don't frame it as your daughter vs. his son, because it will put him on the defensive. He is doing a GOOD thing by paying attention to his son, so be sure not to hold that against him. You could even say that you notice what a great father he is through his interactions with his son, but would like him to show more attention to your daughter as well. That way you're giving him a bit of praise, and it's only natural to want something just as good for your daughter. Just be sure to talk with him about it, because just letting it go on is only going to make you feel terrible. It may just be that he's not a big "baby" person, and will subside over time, but he should still be helping you with things like picking her up, etc. Good luck to you, this could really be a sticky situation, and having a new baby is hard enough!
2007-08-23 09:26:22 · answer #2 · answered by Monika 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A lot of dads (my husband included) don't know what to do with a baby and are even a little afraid of them especially girls for some reason so I wouldn't say it's an excuse. Around a year/ 18months things usually get better, if fact my kids seem to forget they even have a mother at that point, it's all about daddy! As far as helping though you need to sit down with him and explain how you feel, that you need help! You can't work and take care of him and the baby all by yourself. Maybe find out what he's comfortable doing (feeding the baby, getting her dressed after a bath) and make those HIS chores, this will also give him a chance to get more comfortable with her and maybe he'll start doing more on his own. Good luck, and don't be too hard on him, men just don't get it sometimes :)
2007-08-23 09:43:46 · answer #3 · answered by Heidi F 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It could be that she is little, many men are very unsure of themselves around infants, but at 10 weeks he should be getting used to it. Do you breastfeed? Sometimes men feel like they have no roll to fill when the child is breastfeed because they rely on mommy so much. You can start by telling him how you feel and get him involved so he can bond with baby. Maybe he can give baths or even just hold her while you get some chores done.
It is easier for a man to relate to a 9yr old boy than to a 10 wk old girl. If you are on good terms with his ex ask her how he was with his son when he was born, it may give you some in-site
2007-08-23 09:26:11 · answer #4 · answered by glbenner 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've found that men need a lot more time to bond with their children then women do. It took my husband, who really wanted to be a dad and who loves his son, at least 6 months or so before he was really attached to him. I've watched husbands in other families and they all seem distant, or at least more distant than the mom, toward the baby.
It is different for them -- they didn't carry the baby for 9 months, or give birth to them, they don't breastfeed them etc., so in the beginning, they really aren't "necessary" to the child. I'm sure they feel that, they feel left out, some feel some resentment that mom's time is completely absorbed with baby etc. It's a big change for them too and, while we had 9 months to prepare, that too was separate from our hubbies so it didn't become real for them until baby was born.
As for his 9-year-old, he's already had years to bond with him so that relationship is already established. Take heart from the fact that he is a very involved father, it makes me think he'll be the same way with your daughter in time.
Just keep giving him opportunities to bond with your daughter - alone. Let him change her, give him some expressed milk so he can feed her, and don't tell him how to do things -- let him make his own mistakes and find a way for him to do things his way. I had a really hard time with letting go (I'm a control freak ;) but once i did my hubby came up with all kinds of things to do with our son that soothes him, makes him laugh etc., that I never would have thought to do with him. Now, it's so much fun to watch them interact together.
2007-08-23 09:25:56 · answer #5 · answered by NewMomma 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
my husband was sort of the same way with our son. for him, it was because our son didnt pay any attention to him for pretty much the first 3 months. i was where the food came from and iu was the only one who could put him to sleep. my husband loved him, but found it difficult to bond with something that didnt really care if he was there or not. around 3 months however, it was like a switch went off in our sons head and now they already have a beautiful relationship after a month. my huysband can even make him giggle more than i can! you can tell our son looks at him and chooses him now!! its amazing. tell your husband how he feels but over the next 4 wks or so, you will probably notice a big difference once shes more alert and actually cares who & what is around her. good luck
2007-08-23 10:30:54 · answer #6 · answered by raspberry 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
some men are like this. They have no idea what to do with a newborn. If possible, talk to his ex or other family members and see if he was like that with his son. He may think of this as a little girl and therefore a lot more fragile...don't ask me why but guys sometimes think that way. see if he will help with little things. Like helping you give the bath, say wash her while you hold her, hold the bottle while you hold her...take it in very baby steps. do you really think he doesn't love your child? Does he do anything to hurt her or avoid her totally? Maybe he will push the stroller while you guys walk. Get his son involved and have him help and hold her. Maybe if your husband sees this his fears will be less too.
2007-08-23 09:41:18 · answer #7 · answered by chris d 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is not unusual for the dad not to bond with the baby right away. Once your daughter is smiling and cooing (basically becoming more interactive) he will take up more of an interest. You have to understand that fathers never have the same immediate bond like mothers do. I would just give him some time and see what happens, especially since he shows no signs of being an unattentive father forever.
2007-08-23 10:43:27 · answer #8 · answered by garciajennifer@att.net 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it's really hard to say. some men really are uncomfortable with small babies. they are afraid that they are going to hurt them. but when a child gets older they feel like they can do more with them and normally that's when their bonds start to grow. other men just want to get out of having to care for the baby and use that as an excuse. so it's hard to say what your hubby is thinking. however not picking her up from the babysitter is a bit extreme. and i would be fairly mad over that. so good luck and i hope all works out!
2007-08-23 09:25:04 · answer #9 · answered by MotherTeresa 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The picking up thing is crappy of him. Although some of the other stuff makes sense. I think new parents, men and women, can sometimes feel helpless and not know what to do with a newborn.
The other thing to ask, would you be so mad on the 9 year old thing, if that was your child too.
When my 2nd was born, my husband was primarily with our first, as I was nursing. So that just seemed to work out best.
2007-08-23 09:18:47 · answer #10 · answered by lillilou 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋