Are we headed for divorce?

Question

We got married very quickly, like two months and didnt know each other and now have tow kids and we had alot of problems. he has been abusive twice and now he is emotionally abusive. he promises me he will get help for anger since last year (last time of abuse) and nothing yet. We have nothing in comon and we just exist together. Everytime I tell him something must be done he doenst want to talk about it and he walks out of the house and gets angry. I have tried everythign and I dont know what to do with no job and no money and how to work from home as I am a college student. He just looks at me now and gets irritated with me when I say things. he is chauvanistic and wants me to shut up and not complain because this makes him unhappy. If i stop talking he will be happy. He yes's me to shut me up and in the end i end up finding out what he really beleives. He is never honest with me and wasnt from the beginiing. I am very very unhappy i have lost my self esteem and i dont know what todo

Even though we dont fight in front of the children they can sense things because children are so pure. I dont know if staying in a bad marriage is best for them. He yells at my son and is not patient with him either I have to tell him how to be kind and nice to a child. (he was abused when he was a child) when we have talks or fights he claims he is depressed but will not do anything about it. I have even researched doctors for him, made an appt and he canceled last minute. He pulled my hair last year and I am still with him and he feels time will heal all....and he even hides this from me too basically his approach in helping this marriage which is just leaving it alone. I dont agree and i think I shouldnt do this anymore.

ok he only pushed me once, and has threatened to hit me but never did, he just pulled my hair last year and threw food at my face. But he has been ok for a year now. I dont think I am battered..but anyones opinion on what this is will help as being in the situation might leave me not seeing things right.
Thanks

thank you everyone for your support. Now we hardly have anything to say to each other and we are just talking about the basics. He has been nice and sort of claiming that he wants to stay with me and that he loves me. I dont trust him, again he has never beaten me up and done some loving things too, but I sometimes think it doesnt matter because its the way he is. We have no emotional connection and even when I ask him a question he gets animated and makes me feel stupid. I feel so disapointed as I had all these dreams. Now that you are all telling me its abuse I am seeing it clearer.

Answer 1

You poor thing. You are going to be single mom and, to get remarried, you are going to have to lower your standards.

Divorce the guy and take the children and at least half of his money for child support. Being paid to be a single mom is better than being in a bad relationship with a man.

Answer 2

#1 do NOT allow your children to remain in a household where there is potential for abuse...what happens when he is alone with them? Can you be sure he will tell you the whole truth and your child would speak up? Abuse is a weird thing and it makes one do all kinds of messed up things...but your first duty is to your children...they did not ask for this and do not deserve it. Second, it is clear that has unresolved issues that he must work out before he can make any meaningful contribution to ANY relationship. Furthermore, he does not respect you and it will NEVER stop...if not physical, then control and psychological put-downs. He will never get better as long as you are in the picture. You have become an enabler because you have stayed and put up with it...once an abuser has crossed the line with you once, he won't be able to keep from doing it again. You need to leave him...even if you never find love again (which is very unlikely), you will be better off alone than with someone who will erode you down into a shell of a human being. As for him, if you truly care about him, you will leave him so that he can have the chance to make positive steps in his life to seek help...and if he doesn't, you can't worry yourself over it...its his life and up to him. Bottom line is that you need to leave him, or, at the very least, send your kids away and get them counseling for what they have already been through. And don't forget that abusers are the best manipulators ever...do not believe anything he says (remember actions speak louder than words) and do not give an inch. Stand up to him and let him know only what he needs to and be firm so that he understands that your life is yours and is not a matter for discussion. Finally, don't make light of the situation...it doesn't matter if he's never hit you...abuse comes in all forms, and the fact that he brings you down rather than help you be a better human being is reason enough to get rid of him. I believe you can get an anulment and it will be like you were never even married. This IS abuse, don't tell yourself its less than what it is, it is another classic tool of an abuser for his victim to feel like she is over-reacting, or losing her mind. Don't second guess yourself...leave him today.

Answer 3

OH my! What are u thinking!!!! This is an abusive relationship no matter what you may think. Staying in this relationship can hurt the kids, whether u think so or not, they are fully aware of what is going on. If you want to work it out, then you both need some counseling and he needs to get into an anger management group. If not, get a good lawyer and divorce him. You have the right to live your life, so whats best for the kids, and most importantly to be happy.

Answer 4

I grew up in a family situation like this and it made things very difficult for me. I am almost 28 and luckily am sorting myself out. My mother has said over and over again that my siblings and I would have been better off with no father than the emotionally abusive father that we did have. She too didn't know what to do about money and such so she just stayed. She is still with him and STILL wants to leave. It makes for a miserable wasted life. Don't let pride get in the way of getting government assistance if you have to to make it on your own. Hopefully he would pay child support too. Maybe you could cut back on your school load to leave time to get a job. If you have family to help you, don't hesitate to ask. If you truly want to leave, it won't be easy, but you can do it. Just take one day at a time. If you have good friends and family support you emotionally it could help ease your burden. Remember, YOU cannot make him change, only he can change himself. Best of luck to you.

Answer 5

You're headed for divorce or worse. Have you ever seen the movie "Sleeping With The Enemy"?

My first inclination is to say you're best out of there, for your sake and for the sake of the children. You could try counseling first, if you want to be sure you've given it your all, but by all means, don't accept this as a permanent state of affairs. If he refuses to go to counseling, that's your answer.

Read this book: "Refuge: A Pathway Out of Domestic Violence & Abuse" by Detective Sgt. Donald Stewart. Here's a little more info about the book:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvZp3gULnnsGHKYLM2upkCbty6IX?qid=20070424134336AA8h1oa&show=7#profile-info-voI1pBqhaa

Also consider reading "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker, which talks about the importance of learning to trust what your instincts are signaling to you in dangerous situations.

Look in your phone book and find a local agency that helps battered women. They can give you more recommendations.

P.S. Another movie about a woman leaving her abusive husband is "Enough."

Answer 6

Okay... you know the abuse is only going to get progressively worse.

The standard operating procedure for abusive men is to sweep them off their feet, separate them from family and friends and any other support system, get them hobbled (kids, no transport) so they have no place to go. In the meantime they start with little jabs at the self-esteem, then work up to verbal abuse, then go to hitting.

Nothing you can do will make this guy happy.
You do not want to wait until the emotional and physical bruises become permanent.

This is summer. Put off the next semester and GET OUT. Take the kids and go home to mom. File for divorce and child support. Your kids deserve to see you happy.

Answer 7

I feel so sorry for you. His abusive action is intolerable. I know its never easy to leave just like that as you are financially dependent on him. However you really must leave this man cause he is not only harming u but he started to harm your children. If your parents are supportive towards you I think is better that u moved in and stayed with them. If not I advice you to go to YWCA(Young Women Christian Association). This association helps people regardless of race and religion. They wont tried to convert you to another religion so dont worry. You can looked for the contacts on the web. It existed worldwide.

Answer 8

The sooner you get out of the story you just told it will be for the better (for you and your children) keep in mind that time is flying and in no time you will see that the years passed you by and you were not happy with your life, our short time here is precious, so make the most out of it.

Answer 9

You should leave him..no matter the costs. You should not have to put up with that crap. He needs his *** kicked....I was severely abused as a kid and could not treat someone or if I had kids..could not do that to them. Leave him...you will be better off without him. Find someone who can take care of you adn not treat you like crap. Maybe talk to your parents to see if they can help you. Good luck to you

Answer 10

Yes. An abusive relationship, which this is, must be terminated as quickly as possible. You may need to seek refuge in a shelter.