I had an affair on my husband about 16 months ago!
I thought I was in love with the o/man he just wanted the sex!
My husband found us out an o/man jumped ship and begged my husband not to tell his wife witch he did anyway, their divorced now and he now lives in Montreal with another married woman to boot!
My husband threw me out but a lot of pleading a begging from me he let gave me another chance. The problem is in the 14 months we been back together he wont have sex with me, he even sleeps in another room on the far side of house.
I WAS WRONG FOR WHAT I DID AND FOR HURTING HIM, but now I'm hurting I go to bed along get up alone last 2 weeks my husband said about 6 words to me all week long!
I asked him if he wants to get a divorce and he said he still in to much pain and would make a rash choice if I pushed him.
I love him I just can't believe he would throw 12 years of marriage away for my stupid actions!
What else can I do, I miss, and love him so much?
2007-08-21 17:38:16 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
last week after a I tried to push him into something he said no and don't then he informed me don't be surprised if he evens the HONERS on me!
I guess I deserve that.
2007-08-21 17:59:57 · update #1
Your husband is a horse's rear. That was extremely vindictive to tell the other man's wife. He is way overreacting. Tell him" You have my permission to even the score if you want to but I'm not going to put up with your childish behavior any longer. I've apologized and that should be the end of it. If you are not man enough to handle a minor indiscretion after 12 years of marriage, then you are not fit to be a husband. I could understand you being upset for a week or two, but it has been over a year. You have major psychological problems and either you get therapy or I'm going to dump you."
And don't back down. Your husband is just a damn bully and like all bullies, he is a coward. If he was going to divorce you, he would already have done so. What you did is minor indiscretion; what he is doing is major. He is 40 times more at fault than you.
2007-08-21 18:31:16 · answer #1 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
You say you love him and can't believe he would throw 12 years of marriage away for your stupid actions. He is not the one throwing 12 years of marriage away You are the one that is. Yeah you made a mistake so you say but you actually thought that you were in love with the other man. How do you think your husbands feels every time he looks at you. He doesn't see the woman he married he sees the woman that cheated on him. What do you think will be going through his head if he were to have sex with you. He would be imagining you and the other man having sex. That is something very hard to overcome. Now the question is did you beg your husband to take you back because you the other man just left you or is it because you really realized your mistake. If you do love your husband you have to be patient because you hurt him deeply and if he needs time give him time. You put both of you in this situation and you shouldn't complain you brought it upon yourself and now all you have to do is be patient. He must love you if he is still with you.
2007-08-21 18:29:14 · answer #2 · answered by MZ. Latina 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you got it wrong lady....you threw away 12 years, not your husband. If you are truly sorry for what you did, you will step back and let him handle things the way he feels that he should. You're the one that messed up here not him. He let you back in. That was the first step. What do you expect? It's gonna take some time. You said that you thought you loved this other man. So you gave your heart and body to another man and know you want your husband to just forgive you and go back to being the way he was? That's pretty darn selfish. If you can't handle how he's treating you then you should leave. Otherwise, give the guy a break. You not being a man means that you have no idea how you destroyed him. Someone once told me that you can kill a man with a bottle of poison or a knife, but you hurt him more when you take his pride and ruin his life. And that's exactly what you did.
2007-08-21 17:47:04 · answer #3 · answered by gudlistnr 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
First of all he's not throwing 12 yrs away....... You did that when you decided that you were in love with someone else!
Your husband is extremely hurt by your deceit and i doubt that he will be able to let it go that easily.
I'm sorry to say, you sound extremely selfish and are only thinking of yourself and how all this is affecting you. Maybe you should place yourself in your husbands shoes and see how you would handle this situation if after 12 yrs of marriage he had an affair because he thought he was in love with another woman.
The truth is that this situation is going to be hard to fix. You both need to get professional help to even try and fix it. If your husband is unwilling to go then you should start considering getting a divorce because otherwise you'll pay back for what you did for the rest of your married life.
Chi Chi x.
2007-08-21 20:08:38 · answer #4 · answered by Chi Chi 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Normally my advice to you would be to kill yourself but that would get me in trouble so here's what I think: you two need to be in the BEST marriage counseling you can find ASAP. This way he can at least decide if he wants to forgive you (even though you don't deserve it) or kick you out in the cold (which is exactly what you deserve). It's been 14 months since you whored around on him and it's STILL only about how YOU feel, (read your exact words aloud...). Of course he doesn't want to have sex with you. Have you had an AIDS scan? Are you sure you don't have STD's? He may think you have crabs. Maybe everytime he looks at you he only sees a sl*t that broke every vow she ever made to him. He probably thinks that if he gave you sex you would be thinking of that sorry bast*rd you cheated with. You're hurting --- HA! Gimmie a break. You don't know hurt until your wife of 12 years decides to become a whore and then has the nerve to accuse you of 'throwing away' the marriage because of something stupid she did. Well, hussy, it's a lot more serious than 'stupid'. I don't even believe you love or miss him. You are only hurt because he won't forgive you.
Yuk....I need to wash my hands.
2007-08-21 18:17:09 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I love him I just can't believe he would throw 12 years of marriage away for my stupid actions!
=====
This is not what you WANT to hear....but is it something you might NEED to hear....so chances are I wont get a good vote for it....
Read the above sentence I quoted from your post and see what is wrong with this picture....
Facts are there is NOTHING you can do because you have relinquished your rights to the relationship when you had the affair with the other guy....
Your action (affair) says to your husband that you are willing and able to throw away 12 years of marriage.....so when you say you can't believe he would do it.....why?...you did it!
It was not a stupid choice.....it was a choice you made because you perceived you would get something in return....and if the other guy had really loved you then chances are you would be with him now....
I wonder if this sort of events are a pattern in your life....ie you'll make a decision giving you instant gratification and then feel really sorry/guilty for it later....
Good luck to both....ultimately...I think you both will have to go your separate way....
You have been selfish to him in the past.....now you are together....is this what YOU want or is this what HE wants....if its what you want then you are once again being selfish....
So make decisions based on him rather than you!
.
2007-08-21 17:59:48 · answer #6 · answered by Quick M 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't be so shocked that he's hurt by this. It's almost like you want him to just get over it already. I know you're aware of the pain you caused him but until you've walked in his shoes you really have no idea. For some people they can get over it in a week or a month maybe even a year. But everyone is different. If he made you pay for this the rest of your life you'd be deserving of it. So unless you're ready and willing to put up with sleeping alone and being untouched or shown affection, I'd say get out of the marriage. You've already ruined it anyway by cheating. Who knows..maybe if he knows you'll leave if he doesn't start acting like your husband again, it'll make him open up to you again more. The grass isn't always greener, let's just hope he doesn't try to right this wrong by doing a wrong himself.
2007-08-21 17:54:35 · answer #7 · answered by glittereyedg 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OK well look at the last paragraph
you just said that it his fault your marriage fell apart after he found out that YOU had an affair!!
HONEY WAKE UP
YOU threw 12 years away!!! NOT HIM and ya know I'm not saying anything bad but i know personally (from experience) that the sooner you realize YOU are at fault for his feelings toward you the better you are .
you cant possibly know what he is feeling and it sounds like your too self involved to have a little patience
maybe you are there because he feels obligated, maybe hes trying to get through it silently (as most men do) and he cant focus on getting over it because you are wanting to bone him
how would you feel if he did to you what you did to him
would you just take him back in and make love to him every night (or even once a week ) probably not
you'd be too hurt (as he is now) slow your roll don't pressure him , it will push him away
maybe he can get past it and forgive you , maybe he cant only time will tell
i wish you all the best ive done what you have only i realized what i had done and moved on (painfully and humiliated)
good luck
2007-08-21 17:49:49 · answer #8 · answered by spindymindi 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Sorry, but you deserve all the pain your husband is dealing you right now. YOU are the one who violated your vows, not him - he didn't have a choice in the matter, you did, and you made a really bad one.
Now, you need to take all pain, humiliation and crap your husband gives you as he tries to work out the pain, humiliation and crap you gave him. His value as a man and husband has been attacked and he has been devalued. You should kiss his *** and let him vent, pout, sleep alone, ignore you, yell at you - whatever it takes for him to work it out. Counseling may help him deal with his pain and anger, and it may help you figure out why you felt you needed to have a man other than your husband. If he doesn't want to go (and most men don't) you should go by yourself to get the answers so you don't repeat this action.
As to your last paragraph, weren't you willing to throw away 12 years of marriage for a man who was married to another woman? Put yourself in his position and stop being so immature and selfish - sorry, but it's not all about you.
2007-08-21 17:51:45 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't believe HE would throw 12 years of marriage away because you betrayed him???? Maybe HE can't believe that you DID!! I don't think that a betrayal like he suffered is something you easily get over or forgive. It certainly doesn't sound as though he has. It doesn't even sound as though he is making progress toward that result.
Imagine how he must feel. You betrayed him with a man because you "thought" you were in love with him, but now--AFTER BEING CAUGHT!--you say that you love and miss your husband. You didn't have to miss him. He was right there and you left him behind. He is in so much pain because of your betrayal. You don't ask how you can help him, you only talk about your own wants and needs. It doesn't seem as though you are working at earning forgiveness.
I wonder why you asked him if he wants a divorce instead of asking him if he wants to save your marriage. Have you tried marriage counseling? It might help clarify things in your minds.
What you should do now is to try to do what your husband asks of you and be patient.
2007-08-21 17:49:21 · answer #10 · answered by treebird 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋