how rigid should a 13 year old boy's bedtime be?

Question

the current disagreement my husband and i are having is as follows: keep in mind that i've raised 2 children to adulthood, and he has never raised any children--my 13 year old son from a previous marriage has been adopted by my current husband. we have been married for almost 5 years. things were fine with agreed upon parental decisions until my son hit pre-adolescence. here it is: i told my son that on school nights, his general bedtime should be "around 9:30." my husband thinks that should be a "rigid rule." the kid is trying to finish up his chores at night, brush teeth, finish homework, etc., and if he's not in his actual bed at 9:30, my husband threatens to begin punishing him. i have told him to back away from these minor things, that it's a GENERAL bedtime, not etched in stone. he says rules are made to be kept. i think it's utterly ridiculous to put that kind of time frame on a daily life activity that can easily vary from night to night within a 15 minute zone.

my thinking is to focus on the REALLY important things right now, such as how well behaved he is, how respectful he is, how obedient in his in the bigger issues. teenagers cannot be pigeonholed too much or they will rebel. i am not a lenient parent who does not require accountability. my two grown children are excellent young adults. my husband is going all over the place asking other "men" whether he's right. they all agree with him. he doesn't respect my opinions and thinks i'm basically a no-holds barred mother, which is the furthest thing from the truth. we are beginning to disagree in front of my son because he rides him on the stupidest things, including this one. help!

his school performance is excellent. he has not stayed up past 9:45 on a school night. the point is not the actual bedtime, but the "rigidity" involved.

Answer 1

when i was that age i usually was allowed to stay up as long as i needed to do homework but if i went out with friends somewhere i had to be in bed by 10 on school nights but on weekends it was usually before 1130

Answer 2

I agree that the point isnt so much the 9.30pm bedtime. But the fact that it's too set in stone, way too strict. I had a step-dad that came along when I was 8. I had to set my watch to meet the home clock before I went out every time. And if I wasnt home exactly on time (and I mean exactly on the dot) I would be grounded. I rebelled against it. I wasn't a bad kid at all and never got into experimenting with drugs or staying out till 2am and stuff. But I was an asshole and lost my great relationship with my mother. I blamed her for going along with his rules for a few years untill I grew up a bit... and I was a good kid and smart. But explain to your husband that you are stuck, because you don't want to side with anyone. You don't want your husband to think his opinion doesn't matter, but you don't want your son to think that you care for your husband only and he doesn't matter. Believe me, untill you stop being angry when your a teen you can't see or understand the situation properly no matter how smart and understanding you seem to the parents. I woke up at about age 17 and realised how hard it was for them both having seperate ideas on parenting and trying to work on a marriage at the same time and my realionship with my mother came back stronger than ever. And remind your husband that the saying is actually 'Rules are made to be broken' for a reason. Because I really think that you exhaust yourself too much if you try to live too much on the line and in the rule book. It is hard for him too. I have a great relationship with my step-dad now (im 25 and it did take a few years) and now that I have my toddler he sees and realises what my mother meant when she said, try raising them from birth and you will realise that trying to have set rules with kids just doesnt always work.
There is also a whole other group of kids out there your sons age dabbling in things that they shouldn't, remind him that your guys are lucky to have such a good kid in the first place.

Answer 3

One thing you got to understand is that most parents just want the best for you, that being said, the reason that they want you to go to bed that early is mostly likely well they know the importance of sleep, kids that age should be getting around an average of 8 hours of sleep, sleep will help you mature better, and many more reason, its just very beneficial, I also didn't want to go to bed at 9:00 when my dad wanted me too, and well I never did, i regret it, the extra hours of sleep might have helped me with some of my problems now, but if you want to sleep a little passed 10:30 that isn't that bad, just don't make a it a habit, and don't do it everyday, remember they were kids, and they probably have made many mistakes as kids they, just don' want you making mistakes like them

Answer 4

im 13 and my mom is a single mom. Shes always pushed me to be in bed at 930 too i mean as the years went by it got longer but shes never once forced me to be in bed 930 shrp. Shes agreed as long as im being productive till 930 and at that time im getting ready for bed it doest matter. Mind you shes very strict but if my dad or mom was pushing me to be in bed at 930 sharp i really think id be scared of him and maybe even be alittle upset with punishment. knowing a kid id proably in my teen way hate him. I mean the more he knows he has your trust the more hell know not to let you down. Its a kid thing were not all attitude hormones and childish habits ya know. Ask your son how he feels about it. Ask him what other kids his age get hell wnat the same and youll want to give him the same so he doesnt feel as thought his treatment is any diffremt.


as for your husband stand up to him and show him that you are your sons mother and show your authority im sure after some talking to hell learn not to mess with you

Answer 5

I dont in force a bedtime..... My kids both get good grades......on school nights MOST of the time they are in bed between 9-10. My son is 15, daughter 6. My son gets up at 7. My daughter gets up at 745. Since they chose when to go to bed, they never fight it. We have active evenings, with school fuctions ect, and they are truly tired by 9.

On the weekends they are in bed between 9-11PM. But dont have to get up early.

I feel by giving them that control, it teaches them choices. It teaches them self control. If they seem tired i will sugest them laying down early. I knock once on the door and they are right up...... and happy.

Answer 6

I would do a 9 pm bedtime and all chores need to be done, if it goes over to 9:30 that would be acceptable occasionally but not every night. To try to get to bed on time he needs to learn to prioritize so he can get the things he needs done. No bedtimes aren't wrote in stone because things happen but he needs to know that he can't get away with staying up late everynight just because he didn't get his chores done on time. If it gets close to bedtime and he has some minor chores left tell him he will need to complete them the next day.

Answer 7

i think your husband should back off before the kid gets the "either way" attitude. 13, say what you want but he's only gonna get more homework and more activities before he's done with school. 9:30 is not reasonable.

Answer 8

i think that saying lightly to your son, "try to be in bed by 9:30pm" is absolutley fine. as already stated, it takes a while to fall asleep, and there are always those last minute things to do before going to bed. he will literaly asleep between 10 and 10:30pm....and to me, that isn't too late. everyone i know stays up WAYYY past 10pm, there are people that stay up til 1am. [we need to be in school by 7:10am.]

i try to be in bed by 10:30pm, and even though that might seem like its a little too late to be awake, it works for me. i have a gpa of 4.0

good luck :]

Answer 9

I agree with you 100%.

Talk to your husband, and try to come to an understanding that it just isn't realistic.

Say to your child, no LATER than 10. So he knows that until then, he can do whatever.

It's a different way of saying it, but it makes your child understand, that if he isn't in bed by then, then their can be punishment.

You should talk to this as a family, so all three of you understand.

Answer 10

at 13 there is room for leniency. Dad needs to trust you. Even if he has a firm 9:30, he may not fall asleep for 30-40 min or more anyway.