The first time I saw him, my breath stopped in my throat, and whooshed out of me while I stood there, gazing at his beautiful form.
2007-08-21 11:55:27 · 11 answers · asked by Lyra Silvertongue 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
this is not about edward cullen!
2007-08-21 12:05:52 · update #1
It has promise, but the metaphor is mixed - if your breath stopped, it couldn't simultaneously whoosh out. i'd also go for something more specific than beautiful form - have the character look at a specific feature and describe it in some more expressive way than 'beautiful'.
2007-08-21 12:03:13 · answer #1 · answered by A M Frantz 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It depends, what is it for? And let me preface this with the fact that I'm an obsessive compulsive English major, but I see a problem. How can your breath stop in your threat AND whoosh out of me? They are contradictory. What's the sentence for?
2007-08-21 19:05:18 · answer #2 · answered by Kaylen 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As i stood there gazing at his beautiful form for the first time.i l became breathless. This is how i would say it. Second sentence could go something like this--Never had i been so affected by a man in my entire life.
2007-08-21 19:13:13 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm a bit confused as to how your breath can simultaneously stop and whoosh at the same time...
2007-08-21 19:12:34 · answer #4 · answered by MishMash [I am not one of your fans] 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, it sounds good, but a little boring. Try spicing it up, like, The very first time i saw his handsome face, and hot body, i knew: I couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't do anything but stare, i wonder if he'll ever know how i feel.
I hope this helps!
2007-08-21 19:07:14 · answer #5 · answered by psych_superfan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
don't say "whooshed." Maybe:
'My breath left me the first time I saw him.'
Short and sweet!
2007-08-21 19:01:08 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's alright, but i think it could do with some edting.
like for example, "The first time I saw him, I lost my breath, all i could do was stare at his beautiful form, and pray he'd notice me."
At least that's what i'd write.
2007-08-21 20:34:02 · answer #7 · answered by anne 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"My breath stopped in my throat the first time I saw him and his beautiful form." ?
2007-08-22 11:23:26 · answer #8 · answered by Brian S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well I would say, The moment I first layed eyes on him, the air had completley escaped me as I stood gazing at his unique figure.
2007-08-21 19:06:26 · answer #9 · answered by Splenda 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I see your talking about edward cullen.....it's good
i love twilight/new moon/eclipse too
there tied for fav with harry potter...but they might win, depending on eclipse
2007-08-21 19:01:24 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋